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He tightened his hold on her hand. “The same applies to me, Rylee. Do you not think I’m afraid about that, too? I’m trying to take a different approach with you because to me, you are different. Why do you think that’s a bad thing?”
She tilted her head, as if to study him. “Until I know what you want or expect of me, I’m not sure it isn’t, Frazier.”
He heard the frustration in her voice and didn’t like it. He wanted his intentions to be clear. “I am very attracted to you, Rylee. I’ve been attracted to women before but not like this. This attraction has no boundaries. I haven’t set any. And that’s never happened before. In the past, whatever woman I was with understood what my limitations were. She knew what would end it, even before it began. But I don’t feel that way with you. When I say this thing with you is different, I mean it. I don’t want limitations—any limitations.”
He tightened his hold on her hand. He needed her here. He needed her with him. How could he explain something that he truly didn’t fully understand himself? But he had to try.
He took a deep breath. “What I want, Rylee, is a relationship with you that is based on trust. I am looking for friendship and companionship.”
Her eyes widened. “And no sex?”
He smiled at that. “I didn’t say no sex.” He laughed. “But I want more than a relationship that’s based solely on sex. In the past, sex always headed the list. And don’t get me wrong--I still enjoy it and hope one day to share theexperience with you. But with you, I want more. So much more. So I’ll wait. And when you’re ready to add the sexual piece into the mix, you can let me know.”
She looked a little shocked. “Will that be enough for you, Frazier?”
“If you’re the prize, then yes, it will be more than enough.”
• • •
She pulled her hand away, then got up and walked over to the fountain, as if she’d find answers in the swirling water. Finally, she looked back at him. “A relationship is a big step for me, Frazier. I’m not sure I’m ready.”
He could hear the uncertainty in her voice, but he knew, somehow that they could be good together. All they needed was a chance. “I think you are, Rylee. And I think I am, as well. It will be something different for the both of us. You’re an empty nester and I’m just…empty. I’m not a young man any more. And I want more from life than what I’ve had in the past. I also want more than what I thought I deserved.”
“What do you mean?”
He decided to share something with her—something he’d never told anyone--and hoped by the time he finished that she understood. “I told you about my brother Roland, my father’s illegitimate son. Recently, I spent some time at a cabin belonging to my dad, in the mountains. It had been one of his favorite places and he spent a lot of time there. While I was there, I came across a journal he kept. I read it,and learned a lot about him. But I also learned a lot about myself.”
“In what way?” she asked softly.
He hung his head. “I discovered my parents didn’t have a happy marriage. It was an arranged one, planned by their parents, that didn’t work out for either of them. Dad didn’t love Mom and Mom didn’t love him. Once I realized what his life was like, I no longer blamed him for falling in love with someone else--Roland’s mother.”
He suddenly remembered her telling him that her husband had been unfaithful to her, so he felt compelled to add, “In no way do I condone what Dad did. But he had asked Mom for a divorce and she’d refused to give him one.”
Rylee didn’t say anything for a short while, obviously taking in everything he’d told her. “When your mother wouldn’t give your father a divorce, did he end his affair with Roland’s mother?”
“No. From what I gathered from the journal, he and Roland’s mother had been together for about three years. Dad wrote that he believed Mom knew he was involved with someone, but she didn’t care. In fact, she’d basically given him her blessing to do what he wanted, since it meant the two of them wouldn’t have to be involved sexually. She hadn’t felt threatened with his affair…until he asked her for a divorce. That’s when she woke up and smelled the coffee.”
He paused. “At that point, she told him that he had to end whatever affair he was involved in or she would find out the woman’s identity and totally ruin her. Dad knew Mom was capable of doing just that, so to protect the woman heloved, he ended things with her. Only he hadn’t known at the time that she was pregnant.”
“She didn’t tell him?”
“No. He found out six years later when he ran into her at the mall with a little boy. He took one look at the child and knew it was his.”
Rylee nodded and came back to sit down beside him on the bench. “Once your father found out about Roland, did he try to become a part of his life?” she asked.
“No. He knew what Mom would do if she ever found out. And now, not only did he have to protect the woman he loved, but the child they’d made together, too. Still, although Roland’s mother never asked for anything, Dad made sure they were taken care of, financially. And he did meet Roland and was able to tell him that he was his father. But it was Roland’s mother who’d had to explain to Roland as he was growing up, why Dad couldn’t be a part of their lives. Roland knew about us, but we never knew about him.”
“That was sad.”
“It was. However, Dad did right by them in the end--he included Roland in his will. That was when Mom, my brother Murdock and I finally found out about Roland’s existence. Mom never had a clue. She did try to make trouble after Dad died but he’d expected that and had put measures in place to protect Roland and his mom. At the time, I was just as bitter about the situation as Mom was.”
He took a deep breath. “It wasn’t until I read my father’s journal that I realized how much he had loved Roland’s mother. If he hadn’t had her in his life during some very difficult times, I don’t know what would have happened to him.”
Frazier got up and walked over to the water fountain, hoping the bubbling water would help him forget how badly he’d acted back then. He turned back to Rylee. “Dad wrote that Mom had made his life such a living hell, that if it hadn’t been for Roland’s mother, he’d have likely taken his own life.”
“Wow, that’s deep.”
“It was hard to believe. I always saw my dad as a strong man. I never knew the hell he’d been going through. My mom wasn’t happy, so she didn’t want my dad to be happy either.”
