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“He said you would understand. I didn’t want to bother you, but—”
“It’s fine,” I assure her quickly. “I don’t have anything else to do, really. Luca wants me to memorize all the names of all these people in the organization that I might meet at a dinner or something one day, but—” I glance over at Caterina’s pale, drawn face and trail off. “That doesn’t matter, though. I’m glad you came over, that’s all.”
“It was just—” Caterina bites her lower lip. “It was so unexpected. Out of nowhere. I was just in yourroomwith her before it happened, and then we came down and got our breakfast while we waited for you and Luca. We were complaining about theeggs, oh my god—” she puts a hand to her mouth, choking back a sob. “The last thing I ever said to my mother was that the scrambled eggs were dry, and I just—”
She starts to cry, and I abandon the tea, crossing the room as quickly as possible to pull up a chair and sit down in front of her, reaching for her hands to squeeze them in mine.
“I know,” I whisper. “My mother didn’t die out of nowhere. She was sick for a while. But my father did. I was waiting for him to come home when my mother told me he was dead. I remember how pale she was, how she was barely staying upright—she looked like she wanted to dissolve with grief, I know that now—but she kept it together long enough to tell me. I didn’t want to believe it.”
Caterina swallows hard. “I didn’t want to either,” she whispers. “They told me at the hospital—I passed out from all the smoke, and I woke up in a hospital bed. I wasfine, not a scratch on me, just a sore throat, and then the nurse came in with Franco, and she told me—” she chokes back another sob. “I told them they must be wrong, they must have mixed her up with someone else, but—”
I sit with her for what feels like a long time, each minute stretching into another as she cries quietly, composed, and elegant even in her grief. I know that feeling too—I’ve never been as elegant as Caterina, but I know the feeling of needing to hold something back, that if you let all the aching sadness in your chest go, you’ll fall apart. You’ll shatter and cry, and cry until you scream until you can’t breathe, and you’re afraid to let that happen.
It always happens, eventually. It’ll happen to Caterina too, but when she’s alone, when she’s sure that she’s safe, and she can break down with no one to see her crumble.
For now, she cries quietly, her hands wrapped around mine until her knuckles turn white, and I let her cling to me. When the sobs slowly fade, I get up and bring her a box of tissue and turn the microwave back on to reheat the water that’s grown cold, and Caterina smiles up at me gratefully.
“Thank you,” she says softly. “I don’t have very many friends. People tend to shy away from me; they’re too afraid of my father. And I can’t—I know it sounds strange, but I can’t cry like that in front of Franco. I just can’t.”
“It doesn’t sound strange at all,” I reassure her. “I don’t think you love him, do you?”
Caterina shakes her head. “No. I don’t,” she admits. “I don’t even really feel that Ishould—I don’t think my mother loved my father, not in the way we’re told to think about love. She loved the security he gave her and the family—she lovedme, and she wouldn’t have had me without him. But she didn’t love him. I always knew my husband would be picked for me. I’m lucky he’s young and handsome.” She shrugs. “He doesn’t love me either. But I didn’t expect love. I did expect—” she hesitates. “Respect.”
I look at her curiously. “You don’t feel like Franco respects you?”
“I don’t know.” Caterina bites her lip. “I shouldn’t say that.”
“I won’t tell anyone.” I laugh a little, shaking my head. “Who would I tell, anyway? Luca? Not likely.”
Caterina smiles at that. “I guess not. Things aren’t good between you, are they?”
I shake my head. “We’re here to talk about you,” I insist. I’m not ready to share what’s gone on between Luca and me—I don’t even know what there would betoshare. Certainly not the lust-filled encounters we’ve had over the past weeks. Not his agreement to protect my virginity that her father forced him to break. So what, then? It’s not exactly like we’ve been having real conversations about anything. Every time we try to talk, we end up fighting.
Does that mean something?I don’t know. If it were a normal relationship, I’d say yes, of course. I’d tell Ana that if she had a boyfriend that she just seemed to fight with or end up in bed with.
But nothing about my relationship with Luca is normal.
Caterina hesitates, and I can tell that she wants to ask more about Luca, but she doesn’t, to my relief. “I thought Franco would be more attentive,” she says quietly, turning the conversation back to him. “It sounds egotistical, I know, but I’m the daughter of the former don. He’s—well, he has a checkered past in the family. There were questions a long time ago about who his father was. It was all cleared up, but I thought—I don’t know, I thought he’d begratefulthat my father chose him for me. Instead, he acts now almost like I was owed to him. Especially since Luca was made don and Franco is underboss—he’s more arrogant than ever.”
“You don’t think he appreciates you?”
“I don’t know. I thought he would. But I felt so alone at the funeral yesterday.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” I say quietly. “I wanted to be. But Luca said it was more dangerous for me to go.”
“He was probably right.” Caterina wipes at her face, smiling tiredly at me. “It’s not your fault, Sofia. None of this is.”
It feels like it is.I can’t help but think that all of this is because of me, somehow, even though I don’t know why. I never thought I was anyone special. But ever since that night at the club, everything seems to be spiraling more and more out of control.
“And now—” She takes a deep breath. “Viktor showed up at the funeral. Not likeatit—” she adds quickly, seeing the look on my face. “But Luca went to go speak with him. He was trying to come to some kind of terms with him, settle things down. But it didn’t work. I’m not sure why, exactly, but he said that my wedding date will have to be moved up.”
“What?” I blink at her, startled. “After what just happened, though—how can he expect you to be married sooner? You just lost your mother.”
“He was apologetic about it. But clearly, it’s important—I could tell that he wasn’t going to be argued with. So—my wedding is in a week. And now—”
“You don’t have your mother to help you plan it.” I can only imagine what she must be feeling. My mother has been gone for a long time now, but I missed her terribly in the week leading up to my wedding, as rushed as it was. I didn’t even have a hand in planning it. Caterina would have been planning with Giulia this whole time. Giulia was probably thrilled to be finally helping her daughter with her wedding. And now it’s all gone—in a flash.
“Yeah.” Caterina chews on her lower lip. “I don’t even know how to move forward. I don’t know how to pretend to be happy about any of it when she isn’t there—” She pauses, shaking her head. “I’m supposed to go tomorrow to shop for dresses again. We went once already. And now I just want to get the dress that my mother liked best. Even if it wasn’t my favorite.”
