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I needto talk to someone. And that leads me to a place I try to go to as infrequently as possible—the church. More specifically, the confessional booth.
I’m not actually confessing. I can’t imagine saying out loud to Father Donahue the things that I’ve done—that I just did—to Sofia. Besides the fact that I don’t want to admit it, it seems kind of cruel to talk to a priest about coming on a woman’s face—something he’ll never get to do.
What I can do is talk to him about everything else, though—and I do. In the end, it winds up with us sitting in one of the pews, with me looking up at the spot where not all that long ago, I married Sofia.
“Rossi and I are at odds,” I tell him flatly. “I want peace. I want to come to terms with the Russians, to find some way to bring this conflict to an end. But Viktor refuses all my attempts. And Rossi thinks I’m weak because I refuse to go straight to killing.”
“You know my opinion on that,” Father Donahue says. “I’ve always believed that you had the potential to be a good man, Luca. Your father was a good man for all his flaws.”
“And how, exactly, do I do that?” I can hear the traces of bitterness in my voice. “I want peace when everyone around me wants war. I try to protect my wife, and she won’t obey me. I’m trying to do all I can to bring in a new era, one without bloodshed, and everywhere I turn, I feel as if they’re all against me.”
“You’re in an unenviable position,” the priest admits. “But I have faith in you, Luca. I see what there is between you and Sofia. She’s young, but she’s stronger than you know. She could be a good wife to you in time. Perhaps even now, she’s what you need, without you knowing it.”
“I don’t need a wife. I need to push back the threat. I need the Bratva off of my doorstep. I only ever married her to keep Rossi from killing her, but the wolves keep howling for her, and I don’t know why.”
“You should talk to Sofia about that,” Father Donahue says gravely. “There are things about her family that you should know. But it’s not my place to share the Ferretti secrets.”
“Even if I need to know in order to protect her?”
“Even so.” Father Donahue frowns. “Luca, I know I’m a priest. You’ll say that although I bless marriages, I have no idea what goes on in one, what it really means to be married day in and day out. And I would tell you that while that’s true, I do know the meaning of commitment. I made a vow to this church, and I kept it. I made a vow to Vitto Rossi’s father, and I have kept it. I made a vow to your father and Sofia’s, and I have kept it. I’ve tried to keep the peace among the factions as best as I could for all these years. I’ve been a priest, a counselor. I’ve presided over funerals and weddings and baptisms. I was there to bless you as a baby just as I was there to join you in marriage. But Luca—” he pauses, his expression more serious than I’ve ever seen it. “I don’t want to see the day that your coffin goes into the earth. I don’t want to be the one who performs that funeral.”
“I don’t want you to outlive me, old man,” I say dryly. “But I don’t see what this has to do with my marriage. I didn’t want to make that commitment. I said vows, but in my heart, the only vow that mattered was the vow to protect her. Everything else was just words I had to say.”
“Still, you said them. And you will be stronger together than alone, Luca.” Father Donahue looks at me, his face still grave. “Listen to me, son. You can fight them separately or together. But if you’re fighting each other as well, how can there ever be peace? Even if the Bratva can be pushed back, there will never be peace for you as long as you go on like this.”
He stands up then. “Go home to your wife, Luca. Let her comfort you. Be the man I know you can be.”
“And who, exactly is that?” I can’t keep the sarcasm out of my voice, but Father Donahue doesn’t seem to notice.
“One who isn’t afraid.”
I don’t move for a long moment after he disappears into the back of the church. I don’t entirely know what he means by that, and I most certainly have no idea what secrets he thinks Sofia has that I don’t know.
But the one thing I know for certain is that there’s no way I’m going home tonight.
