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I’m not about to ask right now, either.
This is why you did this,I remind myself as I try to breathe.So that no more parents die. So that no more children like Sofia grow up without their fathers. So no more mothers struggle to raise families alone.Thatis the reason.
“I’m very tired,” I say quietly, pushing my chair back. “I’d like to go lie down, if you’ll leave me alone for a while.”
“That’s fine,” Viktor says, glancing up at me finally. “I won’t disturb you.”
Iamtired. But as I walk into the bedroom and shut the door firmly behind me, I have no idea how I’m going to sleep. I walk into the bathroom, splashing cold water on my face, looking around this luxurious place that I now call home. The bathroom is gorgeous, with heated white honeycomb tile floors and marble countertops, a huge porcelain soaking tub, and a walk-in shower with dual showerheads. There are eucalyptus plants in the window, trailing down the tiled wall, and everything is cool and crisp, like a spa in my own home.
I just wish I could actually relax.
I’m no stranger to luxury, like Sofia. I’ve lived in it all my life. Viktor’s home is beautiful, but it doesn’t sway me from how I feel about all of this, which is that I steadfastly don’t want to be here.
But in the end, I have no choice.
What’s done is done.
I change into yoga pants and a loose t-shirt and lie down, but the bed feels unfamiliar and strange, and I can’t get comfortable. I wind up lying on my back, looking up at the ceiling and thinking about last night, about Viktor and how different it had been from what I’d imagined, how it will feel to sleep next to him tonight, knowing at least that he won’t touch me. But I’ll still be sleeping next to him, remembering how good it felt, still humiliated that I enjoyed it. Knowing thatheknows I enjoyed it. Which just makes me all the more determined not to let it happen again.
This is the right choice; I know it is. Last night was good in a way that could be dangerous if I let it. I won’t be caught up by another man who will only hurt me in the end. I won’t make the same mistakes twice.
