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I’ll be free of his demands. Free of the need to lie down and spread my legs for him to give him his heir. Free of his depraved desires and pleasures, free of the confusing way that he makes me feel. Free of everything except for the most basic duties required of me as theUssuri’swife.
In a way, I should be thanking Andrei and Stepan. They’ve given my husband a reason not to want me, and me a way out of the demands of my marriage bed.
So why do I feel so miserable?
I stand up slowly, pushing myself up from the mattress, and I see Viktor hovering at my elbow as if waiting to see if he’ll need to catch me. Every movement hurts, my breath sticking in my lungs, but I force myself to keep going. I don’t want to be weak. I don’t want to be a burden.
I want to be myself again. The woman who has made it through every, single, thing thrown at her so far. I refuse to let two Russian thugs and their penchant for hurting women be my downfall.
“I’ve got it,” I say quietly, reaching out to hold onto the bedpost to steady myself. I’m not sure that I do, in fact, have it—but I don’t want to rely on Viktor any more than I have to. If I have my way, this is the beginning of a distance between us that will be wider and colder than the Russian tundra. I’ll have my life, and he’ll have his, and the two shall meet only when strictly necessary. I have every reason I need now for it to be that way, and he should too.
Viktor presses his lips together tightly as if my insistence that I can do it myself frustrates him, but I ignore it. When I’m sure that I won’t fall down again, I take a step away from the bed, and then another, and another. Every wasted muscle in my body protests, but I clench my teeth, fighting through the pain.
I won’t be weak. I won’t be helpless. With Viktor being the man he is and my marriage to him indissoluble without breaking the peace accord with Luca, I need to be prepared for someone to try to use me against him in the future. This is a dangerous life, and I’ve always known it.
I just hadn’t realized exactly how strong I would need to be.
That stops now. I have to be able to take care of myself.
I can’t trust anyone else.
I can feel his presence at my back as I make my way to the door, one step at a time, the hardwood floor cold against my bare feet. “I want some sunlight,” I say softly as my hand goes to the doorknob. “Is there somewhere I can get that without going outside?”
Viktor hesitates behind me. “There’s an enclosed porch on the back of the cabin,” he says finally. “Most of the windows are boarded up to ensure the safety of anyone staying here. But I can have the men pull a few down, just for a little while, so you can get some sunlight.”
My heart skips in my chest despite myself. I’d expected him to say no, to remind me of the danger, to tell me that wanting to bask in the sun for a little while was a needless, selfish whim. But he hadn’t done that. He’d simply found a way to give me what I want—what Ineedright now.
It might be the kindest thing my Bratva husband has ever done for me.
“Thank you,” I say softly, turning the knob and opening the door. “It doesn’t have to be for long if it’s dangerous. Just a few minutes.”
“Wait here,” Viktor says sternly, stepping around me. “I don’t want to risk you falling with no one to catch you.” He turns down the hall, disappearing from sight for a few moments and then abruptly returning with Levin. “Levin will help you get to the porch,” he tells me, glancing between the two of us. “I’ll have the men remove the boarding.”
I’m even less comfortable with Levin at my arm. He hovers even more than Viktor did, probably because he knows it’s his ass if anything happens to me. I know babysitting me as I creep down the hallway one slow, halting step at a time is probably the last thing in the world he wants to do, and I glance up at him apologetically. I don’t have any reason to dislike Levin beyond his involvement in Viktor’s detestable business.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him hoarsely, words still feeling odd and sticky in my unused throat. “I know this isn’t your idea of a good time, walking me down the hall like an injured puppy.”
“Whatever you or theUssurirequires, I do,” Levin says formally, glancing towards me but not meeting my eyes. I wonder if it would be some broach of protocol for him to look at me directly, if meeting the gaze of thepakhan’s wife is a violation of some Bratva law. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was. “It is my duty to see that you’re well when Mr. Andreyev cannot.”
His formality tells me all I need to know. I don’t push the topic further, just nod as we make our way down, one painstakingly slow step at a time until finally, we go through the kitchen and out to the enclosed porch on the back of the cabin that Viktor had told me about.
A few of his men are still standing there, pulling down a handful of the boards, and not a single one of them will look me in the eye. They all avert their gazes, whether because they’re required to or because they can’t bear to look at me, I don’t know.
What Idoknow is that the sunshine streaming in through the windows is exactly what I needed. The sky outside is mostly grey and cloudy, but some rays are piercing through, enough to warm my pale sallow skin and make me feel a flicker of life again. After the filthy cabin I’d been held prisoner in and the days in bed in that dim room, just seeing the sky and trees and the outside world, in general, stretching out in front of me is enough to send my heart fluttering in my chest.
It feels like freedom. Like I still have a life, and a future, despite all of this. Like we’ll leave here at some point, and I can start to piece it all back together.
Right now, that means more to me than anything else.
I’m alive.
And I plan to keep it that way.
VIKTOR
The cabin is quiet when night falls. There’s a tentative sense that we’re safe for now, although I know I need to move Caterina as soon as possible. There are guards at every possible window and door and a heavy guard on Andrei and Stepan. However, they’re hardly in any condition to try to escape.
I made sure to see to that.
