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Everything about my own life feels strange to me again.
And I don’t know if I’ll ever again have anything that feels like home.
CATERINA
Viktor nods towards Levin. “He’ll begin with the self-defense. I’ll assist you with the weapons portion.”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to say something biting, and I can’t quite stop myself. I cast a dark glance towards Viktor, suddenly resentful all over again that I’m having to deal with this at all. “Why Levin? Don’t you know how to fight?”
I see Levin’s mouth twitch, with irritation or humor, I’m not sure, but the look on Viktor’s face is anything but humorous. “I’ve trained often with Levin,” Viktor says tightly. “And I—” he breaks off, his expression hardening. “Do as I say, Caterina. Levin is the better of the two of us to teach you this.”
I almost argue, but Levin is already moving towards me, clearing his throat as he levels his expressionless blue gaze at me. “We’re going to take this slow,” he promises me. “I know you don’t have any prior knowledge, so we’re going to work with the basics.” He takes a firm stance in front of me, letting out a breath. “Breathe out, like I just did, and relax your body as much as you’re able. If you’re tense and stiff, you’re more prone to taking injuries from hits, and you can’t move as fluidly. The goal should always be to keep your body soft and malleable and rely on the muscle memory that you build up to get you through the fight. You’ll move faster and be harder to hit if you do those things.”
It sounds overwhelming just from that, but I nod, swallowing hard. It’s the most words Levin has ever said to me at once, and I find myself wondering what his story is, how he came to work for Viktor and his family, and what’s kept him there all this time. If he has a wife, or a family of his own, if there’s a person behind that expressionless shell.
Or if he’s just a brute, like so many other Bratva men.
“For this,” Levin says, breaking me out of my thoughts, “I want you to stand normally. You’re not familiar with a boxer’s stance, so we’re not going to try to teach you that right now. If you need any of this, it’s not going to be a formal fight anyway; you’re going to need to move quickly and efficiently without all the extras. You’re probably not going to be prepared anyway if an attack happens, so you should be able to block and strike if need be from your normal stance.” He pauses. “And if you are attacked, you’re better off if they have no idea that you have any knowledge of how to defend yourself. You want to catch them off-guard as much as you can.”
I can feel Viktor’s eyes on me, watching us both. “Okay, that makes sense,” I say slowly, trying to relax and just stand how I normally would, without thinking too much about it. My heart feels like it’s pounding in my chest, and I’m suddenly aware of every ache and pain throughout my entire body, large and small. I’m afraid to do this, afraid for him to touch me, fearful of getting hurt even more. But facing him, I suddenly also realize that Iwantto learn this. I’d never thought about learning self-defense or how to shoot a gun for a single second. My entire life, I was raised with a security detail never far away, and I’d grown up with the certainty that whoever I married would provide the same thing. I wasprotected. I didn’t need to know how to defend myself.
But now I see that’s not true. Regardless of how good Viktor’s security might be, I do need to know. It’s not a dig at him so much as a realization thatI’llfeel stronger, better, more capable if I’m not always reliant on others to keep me safe.
If I can fight back too.
I hadn’t realized that until I’d looked up at Levin and considered telling him and Viktor to go fuck themselves, that I’m not ready for this, that I don’t want to do it, and going back inside.
But Ido. I might not be ready, but the events of the past days have taught me that I might not get the opportunity to wait until I’m ready. The danger isnow, and I’m tired of relying on others to face it for me.
I want to stop hiding and taking the abuse of everyone around me.
“Block this,” Levin says suddenly, breaking my train of thought again, and almost before I can react, his hand strikes out towards my side. He aims below the bandages—a realization that sends a flush of embarrassment through me because that means that he’s seen my wounds and my carved-up body—but I’m glad that he does because although I reflexively reach out to stop him, I don’t make it in time. I miss, and his hand connects with my waist.
I let out a small gasp, and he pulls back.
“Did I hurt you?” His voice is business-like, efficient. Less a matter of caring for me and more of simply wondering if we can continue.
I swallow hard, shaking my head. “No, I’m fine,” I say quickly. “I’ll be fine. It just surprised me, that’s all.”
“These strikes will be easy at first,” Levin says brusquely. “Viktor wants me to continue training you as you heal, so later, when your injuries are mended enough, and you’ve learned the basics, we’ll do this with more intensity. You may be sore or receive blows that may hurt, and you may want to flinch back or stop because of what you’ve endured. But over time, this will make you mentally stronger, as well as physically.”
I look up at him, startled. I’d been thinking just that, but to hear him vocalize it makes me wonder if Viktor told him to say that or expressed it as a goal. It doesn’t sound like something Levin would offer up on his own—especially when it comes to me, he’s nothing if not simply Viktor’s mouthpiece. But what possible reason would Viktor have for wanting me to be mentally stronger? If anything, I would be easier to manage broken. It’s my entire reason for thinking that he might have been behind my kidnapping.
Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he had nothing to do with it at all.
“In time, there may be some full-contact training, although Viktor may want to take that over himself. But you don’t need to worry about that right now. For now, all you should concern yourself with is learning the basics that I’ll show you today.”
He pauses, looking down at me with something that almost looks like a flicker of concern in his eyes. “Are you alright?”
Even that most basic kindness makes my chest constrict, a sudden lump appearing in my throat. I clear it, nodding and forcing myself to speak clearly. “Yeah, I’m fine,” I tell him firmly, even though right now I’m feeling anything but fine. I want to go inside, I want to lie down, I want to go to sleep. I want to go back to before all this happened and somehow keep from having to endure any of it.
That’s impossible, though. All I can do now is try to keep it from happening again.
Which is why I’m out circling a bodyguard four times my size in the sparse Russian forest, shivering from the cold.
“Alright,” Levin says, squaring his shoulders. “Let’s try it again.”
For the next half hour, the two of us trade minor blows, with Levin striking at each of my arms, then each of my sides, and then each of my hips lightly as I try to block. My forearms are sore, but I force myself to keep going. Towards the end of the half-hour, I find myself being able to block him more often than not, anticipating his movement. He starts to alternate then, mixing up the directions in which he goes for my arms, sides or hips, and even then, I manage to do a decent job of blocking at least half of them, although I’m considerably slower.
