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More than anything, I want to forget the feeling of Alexei’s hands on me, his fingers traversing my body, his pathetic cock inside of me. I want to pretend that it never happened, but I can’t. I can’t even get rid of his smell, still clinging stickily to me, leftover from his sweaty skin sliding over mine.
I’m afraid to sleep because I don’t want to dream. But eventually, my exhausted body gives in, and I slip into a deep, thankfully dreamless sleep.
---
I’m awoken sometime early in the morning by the sound of someone crying, small shrieks, and stuttering sobs drifting through the air towards me from Anika and Yelena’s bed. I’m up in an instant, pushing my sore body up from the floor, aching in every bone and muscle as I make a beeline for their bed.
“Shh,” I whisper, reaching for Anika, who is twisting in the covers, her small fists beating against them as if she’s trying to fight someone off. “It’s okay, sweetheart. It’s just a bad dream. Wake up, baby. You’re alright.”
“Are we home?” she whispers, her eyes still tightly shut. “Are we back home, mama?”
I suck in a breath, my chest tightening as I feel tears spring to my eyes. I don’t know if Anika is awake enough to see that it’s me holding her and not her late mother. Though, right now, when I’m desperately craving anything to make me feel something good, I can’t bring myself to care.
“Not yet,” I whisper, pulling her into my arms. Blessedly, Yelena is still asleep, somehow not woken up by her sister crying. “We will be soon, I promise. Just as soon as your father comes to get us, he’s going to take us home.”
“Is he coming?” Anika’s eyes pry open a fraction then, peering at me through the tears still streaming down her reddened face. “Is daddy really coming for us?”
“He’s going to do his best.” I press a kiss to the top of her head, desperately wanting to promise her that he is and also not wanting to lie to her at the same time. “I know he’s looking for us right now. He’s going to do everything he can because he loves us so much.”I’m not sure about myself,I think grimly, rocking Anika as her sobs slow.He lovesthemso much. His children.But I don’t say that out loud. There’s no need for Anika to hear it, and it’s not something she can understand. Better that she thinks that her father loves all three of us deeply, that we’re a solid, unshakeable family unit.
I wish so much that could be true.
I hear the soft sounds of crying from the other side of the room, and I realize that Ana’s woken up, probably from the noise that Anika was making. “It’s alright,” I hear Sasha murmur. “It’s going to be alright.”
I look up to see Ana curled into a ball, her hands pressed against her face. “No,” she mumbles from between her fingers, her shoulders shaking. “It’s not okay. It’s never going to be okay again—”
“It will,” Sasha insists, with surprising vehemence considering the fact that I know she has similar concerns. “Ana, they’re going to find us—”
“And until then?” Ana’s voice is starting to rise, the sign of a panic attack coming on, and Sasha grabs her hand to try to soothe her, but it’s already too late. “You heard what he said,” she gasps. “I’m not worth anything. I’m too damaged. So what is he going to do with me? What happens to a woman in this world who isn’t worth anything to a man?”
She’s crying in earnest now, hiccupping and shaking with sobs, nearly hyperventilating. However, all of us have gone very still at her last words, the weight of them hanging in the air and sinking in slowly.
What happens to a woman in this world who isn’t worth anything to a man?
None of us have a good answer for that. Not here. Not now.
“They’ll find us,” Sasha whispers desperately, looking over at me for help, but I’m preoccupied with the children. Anika is starting to cry again, the collective sadness in the room spurring her emotions on again, and Yelena is beginning to wake up, whimpering and looking confused and upset as she hears the rest of the crying.
“Please, girls,” I whisper, looking anxiously towards the door as I try to soothe them. “We’ve got to be quiet, okay? I know this is scary, but we can’t be loud.”
But it’s already too late. I can hear footsteps in the hall, and I hope it’s just one of the guards coming to scold us and tell us to quiet down. But when the door opens, I see polished shoes, and my stomach sinks as Alexei steps into the room.
