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Nina flipped through a book of Virginia Woolf’s private diary entries before putting it in the box. “I don’t know. After I broke things off with Liam and Jack the first time, I decided to focus on what Iwanted.”
“It didn’t steer you wrong,” Karen pointed out. “It led you to Judith’s show at the gallery and to your own photography. It led you back toLiam.”
“And before all that it led me back toJack.”
“That’s true, but didn’t you learn from it? Doesn’t that make it worthwhile in and ofitself?”
“I’ll take the growth any way I can get it, but it’s a zero-sum game,” Ninasaid.
“What do youmean?”
“The stuff I learned with Jack came at the expense of things I might have learned on my own — maybe the same things, maybe somethingdifferent.”
“That’s true of everything though. If you hadn’t tried things with Jack a second time, you would have had other experiences but missed out on the ones you had with him. Trying to sort through all that is crazy. You have to make the best decision for yourself with the information you have and take whatcomes.”
“I know,” Nina said. “What we want is just so arbitrary sometimes. I want Liam because he makes me feel good, because he makes me feel safe, because being with him iscomfortable.”
“None of those things are bad,” Karensaid.
“They are if they give me an excuse not to do the harder things, not to try something new or takechances.”
“Going to South Africa is a chance of itsown.”
“True, but it’s a chance with the safety net of Liam.” Nina looked more closely at her. “Why does it feel like you want me to go to South Africa with him? You, Ms.Independence?”
“I want whatever you want,” Karen said. “I can only speak for myself when I say that I wanted Doug, but taking a chance with him was — is — a lot more terrifyingthan
any other chance I’ve taken recently, even though from the outside, it probably looks like the saferchoice.”
“You weren’t in a twenty-year marriage,” Nina said. “I can see why taking a chance on a long-term relationship would be new andscary.”
“And I see why turning away from one, at least in the short-term, would be equally scary in yourposition.”
Nina smiled. “See? Not much new to discuss. We circled back to where I’ve been for the past week. Namely, what am I going todo?”
