AllFreeNovel
Share Us
He sprinkled salt on the tuna. “When I can get away. It’s like another world here. All the things I worry about in Boston don’t seem tomatter.”
She wondered what Nick Murphy worried about in Boston but didn’t want to pry. “I can seethat.”
He looked more closely at her. “How are you holdingup?”
“I’m okay.” She looked down at the beer in her hand. “It’s hard to feel like I deserve to enjoyanything.”
“I felt that way,” he said. “AfterErin.”
She nodded. “I’msorry.”
“It took me a long time to believe that Erin would want me to keep living.” He shrugged, but the nonchalance felt forced. “But that’s different than withElise.”
“Howso?”
“Erin was dead. Of course she would want me to live. What else could I do?” he hesitated. “You must feel like you shouldn’t be doing anything but trying to findher.”
“Pretty much,” she admitted. “I know it’s not possible. I’m a person. I need to sleep and eat, and I’m limited to what I can do at any givenmoment.”
“But this isn’t a situation where intellect rules,” Nick pointedout.
“Exactly. I keep wondering if she’s hurt or scared, if she thinks I’ve given up on her.” Despair rose in her throat like bile. She shook her head. “I try not to think about those things, but it’shard.”
He didn’t say anything for a long time, testing the fish with a fork to see if it was done. “I used to obsess over Erin’s last moments. I’d play out all the different scenarios — she knew what was happening to her and wanted someone to save her, she fell asleep and never knew what happened to her, she was scared, in pain…” He shook his head. “It’s a kind ofhell.”
“How did you stop?” sheasked.
He looked at her and she was struck by his eyes, not blue like Ronan’s, but green like the leaves on the old trees surrounding her gramps’ property. “Honestly?”
Shenodded.
“I just played it out. Eventually, I’d imagined everything so many times that it didn’t have as much power over me. And in the end, she was stillgone.”
The resignation in his voice terrified her. She knew it was different: Erin was dead — there was still hope of savingElise.
But it was all too easy to imagine herself someday telling a story like this one, a story where Elise was gone and nothing would ever, ever bring herback.
“I think it was hardest on Ronan,” Nicksaid.
Julia glanced at Ronan, his head tipped toward something Braden was pointing out on the laptop, then returned her eyes to Nick. “Why do you saythat?”
She knew Erin’s death had broken Ronan, that it had driven him in some way toward every decision he’d made since, but she was surprised to hear Nick say it had been hardest onhim.
“He’s the oldest,” Nick said. “It wasn’t just implied that it was his job to look out for us — my dad used to say it.” He affected a deeper voice, mimicking his father. “Ronan, look out for your sisters. Are you going to let someone bully your little brothers, Ronan? Don’t just stand there, Ronan, do something. If you don’t look out for them, whowill?”
“That’s a lot of pressure,” Juliasaid.
“I don’t think he really felt it until Erin started using.” He smiled. “In fact, I’d say before that he actually enjoyed being theoverlord.”
Julia smiled. “It has itsadvantages.”
Nick nodded. “But when Erin OD’ed, Ronan took it personally. In his eyes, he’d failed her, had failed usall.”
“Which is why he started MIS.” Julia knew Ronan had been the one to start the business, although to hear him tell it, it hadn’t taken much to convince Nick and Declan to joinhim.
Nick raised his beer in assent, then grew quiet as he started pulling the tuna off the grill. “He’s been different these past few months you’ve beenaround.”
“Different?”
