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I spent an entire life pushing her away. Reasons changed, excuses evolved, but my love never faltered.
Even hating her with all my guts doesn’t affect the fact that I wish I could give myself to her, offer her my life on a silver platter, and watch her make a lovesick puppy out of me.
Her foster dad, her escape from him, her older brother, my conscience, Lik. Everything has always forced me out of her way. But she’s pushing back in. She’s putting herself between me and the love I found outside of her orbit.
I should have never used her to find the Volkov brothers. I should have never accepted that contract. I’ve been convincing myself it was for the money, so I could hold up my promise to Lik that I would never do a job again once we could settle.
So, when do I accept that it was because I wanted a way back into her life? When do I admit that hating her isn’t enough to stay away from her? That wanting her dead also means I want to keep her close to me,mine. My tortured victim until she begs for deadly mercy, until I’m the only one she has eyes for, until I’m the last thing she sees. My face imprinted on her mind before she leaves this life.
People say love and hate are two sides of the same coin, a thin line blurred by intense emotions.
They feel so separated for me. I’ve always loved Rose. I only started hating her when she betrayed me. When she listened to the lies and brainwashing. I still can’t spell the act out precisely. I still can’t remind myself of what she did. Simply the loathing.
The hate is a burning sensation in my throat and a twist in my stomach. The love is a dull ache deep inside my chest, something pushing at the back of my eyes and giving me a painful headache every time I try to think of someone other than her.
Rose is a traitor, and it should have been enough to stop me from being so in love with her.
Why? Why doesn’t it stop?
Why do I want to punch Lik for touching her? Why do I want to kill her for seducing my boyfriend, who’s mine and not hers to touch? Why do I want to put her in the middle of us and fuck her ass until she’s crying into his arms and begging him to give her pleasure so she can survive me?
I never touched Rose because I always told myself she couldn’t take it. Bianco broke her with pain.
I love pain.
He’s a sick sadist. And so am I. If I inflict that pain on her like he did, that makes mejust like him—the man who ruined her entire life.
“…and you can’t just lock her away. She’s post-scene crashing, Sam. She’s in sub-drop where she can’t find her left from her right. She needs aftercare. Not…whatever…whatever the fuck you just did. You, of all people, should know that!”
I realize I’ve missed half of what Lik has been saying. I’m holding onto the kitchen counter, facing the wall and cupboards. Knowing he’s right behind me and trying to get a reaction out of me. I zoned out in silence trying to protect myself, but I didn’t need to hear the rest of his words. Only one thing grabs my attention and pulls fiery anger out of me.
I flip around, grabbing him by the throat and pushing until his hips hit the kitchen island behind him. His upper body goes further back than his legs, the latter blocked by the island. He’s leaning back, his hands flat on the island so he doesn’t fall back on it.
“I sent you touseher for our own personal gain. I sent you to gain entry into the Volkovs’ BDSM club and give a letter to Aaron Williams. I sentyoubecause we agreed I shouldn’t enter a place like that with her. Because we were aware of my own weaknesses.”
I press harder, and he squeezes his eyes closed. His hand wraps around my wrist, fingers with golden rings cold against my skin.
“At what fucking point did you hear me mention the wordscene. You want to give her aftercare because you had her come all over you? Because you disobeyed my orders?”
He opens his eyes, and the lack of regret in them sends me over the edge.
“How was it making her your little bitch, Lik?” I seethe. “Knowing she only did it to hurt me?”
I press myself against him, grabbing his crotch with my free hand. “Oh no,” I chuckle mockingly. “My poor baby, hard as steel because he loves being abused.”
“Fuck off,” he rages, pushing back against me. I’ve relaxed enough around his neck that he manages to shove my arm away, but I don’t let him move past me.
“So what do you want, Lik? Do you want to be her Dom or my bitch?”
“You’re so proud of yourself for turning that shit around, aren’t you? Trying to fuck me up in the head when you know this happened because you fuckingcheatedon me with her.”
This time, I let him push me away. But he doesn’t stop. His hands crash against my chest again until I’m the one with my back against the wall, or the kitchen counter in that case.
“Do you even regret it?” he spits at me.
“No,” I answer in all honesty.
Because I regret hurting him, but the world would have to swallow me and spit me back out before I could regret something as satisfying as kissing Rose. Even then, I probably couldn’t.
