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“None of the men in my family are patient, so they only gave me one day to decide. I snuck out that night to watch you. I broke into your family’s estate and settled outside your window. It was the middle of winter, and I remember it so clearly. You and Storm were arguing about something, and when you came into your room you slammed the door with the fury and fire that only served to foster my obsession.” It’s not in my nature to be so candid, and although I always knew she would be here with me one day, I never thought I would be telling her about the night I knew she would become my everything. “I sat there all night in the snow, and when snowflakes fell against my skin, I realized there was no way I could go ahead with marrying Serena. She would never be happy with me, and I would never be happy with her, even if it was the best way for me to get my father and uncles off my scent when it came to you.”
She tries to lift her head from my chest, but I hold her still, unable to see the look in her eye when I tell her about the moment I lost my humanity to keep our future alive. I never wanted her to know what I lost for us to be together, but perhaps it will be enough for her to stop fighting me at every turn.
“But when I got home and I was faced with the broken girl who had done nothing wrong, I wanted to have it both ways. I wanted to save her, and I wanted to pursue you. So I told my father I would try to feel something toward her. More than anything, I wanted to make sure you were safe. You were always my priority, just as you always will be. You, my little Snowflake, are where my life begins and ends, because a man like me doesn’t care about anything but their queen.” I pause to allow her to swallow the pill I’ve just shoved down her throat. “It worked for a little while. Serena was so fucked up from whatever my uncle had done to her before he handed her over to me that she barely got out of bed, and I spent all my time following you around, my obsession only growing deeper the longer I watched you. But after seeing what Angelo did to Serena, I couldn’t risk him doing the same to you, or worse because of your family, I knew I had to start working toward their demise because it was going to be a slow process to take them down from within.”
“You were trying to take them down?”
“From the day I laid eyes on you,” I confess. “They would have always been a threat to you, and that’s not something I was willing to risk. I couldn’t have you until they’d taken their last breath.”
The words carry more meaning than I intend them to, but when Snow curls around me, it’s clear I’m winning some points, no matter how short-lived it will be.
“I didn’t expect them to interfere so soon. I thought I had more time before they would want proof that I was treating Serena the way the Russo name required me to. But one day I came home from watching you at the art gallery with your friends, to find Serena on the exam table with her legs in stirrups. At first I didn’t understand what was happening, but when I saw her face and how scared she was, I knew it couldn’t be good.”
“They were checking if you’d been fucking her,” Snow offers, and I’m almost relieved I don’t have to say the words myself.
I nod. “Yes.”
“And you hadn’t been?”
“No.”
Snow sucks in a harsh breath, her cheek pressing harder into my chest. “What did they do?”
“I’ll spare you the details of what I had to watch them do to that poor girl, but in the end, I was handed a gun and she begged me to end her life. She’d known nothing but pain for so long that she couldn't bear another moment of her own heart beating.”
“You killed her.” She doesn’t pose it as a question because we both know the answer.
“I did,” I confirm. “The reason I tell you this, Snow, is because I need you to understand that while I am a monster, I am not the same as my father and uncles. I do not enjoy hurting women, and I’ve gone to great lengths to bring us together. I would not do anything to jeopardize that, and I will never lay a hand on you in anger.”
Silence descends over us, but she makes no attempt to move from where she’s sprawled across my chest. There have been few times over the years where I have been able to quiet my racing mind, where I have been free from the plotting and scheming, where death hasn’t lingered over me like a cloud. But as I hold Snow, her gentle breath whispering across my chest, there’s nothing but her filling my mind, and I could really get used to the quiet.
43
Snow
Warmth surrounds me so completely that I almost can’t tell what tugs me out of my comfortable slumber. Arms are steeled around me, holding me tightly against a hard body. After Elijah’s confession and earnestness in his words, I allowed myself to fall into a deep sleep in the safety of his arms. He never did strike me as the cuddling type, but every time I tried to roll across the bed to escape the furnace, he tucked me right back against him.
I lay for a few moments, keeping my body still while I try to pick up on any noise in the house, but it’s completely silent apart from Elijah’s soft snores behind me.
It’s another few minutes before pain spreads through my lower belly and takes my breath away. Oh no.
As quickly and quietly as I can, I pry myself from his grip and scurry across the room, not bothering to pick up my robe from the floor on my way back to my bedroom. I stop in the doorway and lean against the frame, pain radiating down to the tops of my thighs and taking my breath away.
I’ve always had bad periods. Ever since my first one when I was twelve. Most months, I spend two or three days in my room feeling sorry for myself because I physically cannot get out of bed, and by the way the cramps take hold, this one doesn’t seem any different.
I must have lost track of my cycle since being here, but the arrival of my period does allow me to breathe a little easier. Although anything can happen, it’s unlikely I would get pregnant at this point in my cycle. If nothing else, I need to find a way to get on birth control without Elijah knowing it, even if it only buys me a few months.
I’m not ready to be a mother, and I’m certainly not ready to bring a child into the world while we’re at this impasse. We’re still trying to find a way to make things work, and for the most part, I’m still pushing him away every chance I get. Why would I want to bring a baby into a situation like that?
I do feel comforted by his promise to never raise a hand to me, which means he probably won’t kill me when my usefulness expires. It may be naive of me to believe him, but there was something in his tone that told me he was being sincere, and it gave me the opportunity to rest.
I burst into my bathroom and quickly slam the door behind me, turning the lock immediately. I’m sure there’s a camera in here somewhere, but the illusion of privacy is enough for me right now. And if Elijah decides he wants to get nosey, it’ll be his fault when he sees something he isn’t ready for.
Another cramp hits me just as I lower myself onto the tiled floor by the toilet, the pain so intense it makes my stomach protest painfully. I’ve done this enough times to know the throwing up isn’t far away. My hands fall to my lower stomach and tears escape the corners of my eyes.
I need to put some clothes on, but the cool tiles on my overheated skin is like heaven. Plus, I’m not sure I can get up off the ground without assistance, and I’m sure as hell not allowing Elijah to see me like this.
When I’m sure my stomach isn’t about to lurch its way up my throat, I crawl across the tiles to a stash of underwear I hid in here so I didn’t have to get dressed in a room I knew had cameras. Now I know all of them do, it seems redundant, but at least it’s handy in times like this.
