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For now, I need to stay patient and watch the fight unfolding in front of me.
Two youths are brought before us into the ring. They're freshly eighteen, because I don't allow children to fight in here anymore. But as they go into the ring, I find myself watching them with trepidation. Which one will prevail? These fights aren't the way they used to be. When I joined as a child, we only fought until one of us passed out. But since then everything has changed and now we fight until death.
I watch the two young men surveil one another with cautious eyes. They're probably trying to figure out each other's strengths and weaknesses so they can attack each other and end up the winner for once in their sad little lives.
My eyes stay glued to the stage as the gong signifies the fight beginning. The two men start fighting each other, cautious at first, but once the first punch lands, it doesn't take long for the two of them to really get into it.
It soon becomes apparent which one's going to win. It's an unlikely winner just as Xander was when we were kids.
This kid is smaller, leaner and faster, and he takes over his opponent in a matter of minutes. Before ten minutes are up, we're already celebrating with the winner and he's faced with another man after the body of the one he just killed is taken away. I take a moment to consider the implications of what happened here tonight.
An innocent life was lost and that kid probably wasn't much unlike me when I was his age. Back then, I only wanted to get out of the terrible situation our parents left us in. I would have done anything to ensure safety for myself and my brother, and I assume he wanted the same. Unfortunately for him, it ended in his blood being spilled all over the ring, which is now being scrubbed clean with acid while the winner waits for his next opponent.
We watch a couple more battles. By the third, the current winner is killed and taken out on a stretcher, his arm cleanly ripped off his shoulder socket. The violence and the shocking finality of everything we're witnessing here tonight is causing my stomach to clench and I can't bring myself to watch any more.
Abruptly I pick myself up in the chair. It was Saul's idea to come with me and try to help me, but I don't need him right now.
All I need is to step away and clear my thoughts. I walk out to a back alley, silently followed by a guard who always has my back. Not that I need it. Whoever is dumb enough to attack me, I could take down with my bare hands.
I start smoking cigarettes, telling myself everything is going to be okay. Being exposed to my fears is the best thing I can do for myself. It proves just how much I've grown up since I was endangering myself like this. But it's reminding me of my mistakes, too, and I wonder whether I've started to grow a conscience since Tallulah came into my life.
Never before did I regret sending my nephew to this place. But now I'm starting to wonder just how unfair that was of me.
I don't know what to think. He needed that. He needed to be trained properly for the life he was born into. Unlike me, he didn't have to fight his way to the top. But I did and I've never been prouder of myself than I was beating up kids my age and older in that ring.
Once I make my way back to the ring, a few people spot me and they start cheering my name. All the attention has gone off from the ring, where another two youths are fighting. This time, neither of them is quite prevailing, so they both end up almost dead, with bleeding wounds that will never get the chance to scar.
The crowd chants my name as I bring myself to stand in front of them, waving them off, signaling that I don't need their praise because I already know how good of a leader I am.
But they don't stop. Whoops and cheers emanate from the audience.
Then something else happens. People start chanting for me to fight.
I know my origin story. All of these people probably know I stood in the ring myself once, and fought my brother and they think he won.
I let Xander win that time and that's not about to happen ever again. If we get to face off, he's dead.
I'm starting to get tempted to go into the ring myself once more. Fight whoever comes across me and kill them, if only to prove something to myself.
"I think I'm going to do it," I mutter to Saul who shakes his head with worry.
"Why would you put yourself in danger? What about Tallulah?" he asks me. "Don't you want to be safe so you can continue to live with her?"
Guiltily, my thoughts circle back to the girl who is being held captive in a bedroom at my home, not knowing she's only a few doors down away from her dogs and from the life we used to share together. But now it's too late for all of that.
I shrug, not wanting to signify how much Tallulah actually means to me. Instead, I get up and walk to the ring while the crowd erupts in more cheers.
I raise my hands to the sky and they cheer for me like I'm a winner already. I can feel Saul's worried gaze on me as the head of the ring motions for someone for me to fight.
The first one is easy.
Three punches and he falls down like a rock, already fucking dead. In my long training, I've learned where to hit and where to punch to deliver the blow that will end someone's life before they even have a chance to fight back. Now, I'm putting it to good use.
I haven't even broken a sweat yet by the time I kill my third opponent.
Deep down, I want to feel sorry for these boys because that's all they are. Boys from the cartel or boys who want to be in the cartel, now faced up against the most dangerous men of all. But I have no mercy for them. Just like nobody ever had mercy for me.
The fourth kill is a little harder and ends up with blood spilled. I have a small cut on my forehead, which is spraying blood, but I don't care because the body of the other guy has already been taken out. And then another man approaches.
