Page 104 of For Now, Not Forever


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The door to the second-floor studio where I teach opens silently. I leave it open as I walk over to the closet where I store my art. This door creaks; a wood against wood melody that sends shivers up my spine. I turn on the single bulb in here.

My paintings hang on the far wall, across from the shelves that host tubes of paint and blank canvases. I face the wall of art, glancing over once at Liam’s impassive expression.

“It’s not—I’m not sure if I love that one.” I point to a sketch of four dunes converging around one lighthouse. “I was kind of going for—”

“Lost on land,” Liam says.

My hand drops. “Yeah. Exactly.”

I both hate and love that he grasped the concept so quickly.

“That’s a favorite.” I motion toward a portrait of Madeline. Her face is turned mostly away, her hair flying out from a high ponytail that extends into the ribbons of a cheer pom held proudly overhead. The colors are dark contrasts—mostly navy and white—that stand in stark difference to the grassy background. None of the shapes are clearly defined. You have to look closely to grasp any concept and whatever you decide is what you’re looking for.

“They’re good. You’re really good.”

“I can handle criticism, Liam. Tell me what you really think.”

“I just did.”

I scoff. “Okay.”

He turns toward me. “You don’t believe me?”

“I’m not sure if you’ll tell me the truth.”

“About what?”

“About anything.”

“I’ve never lied to you, Natalie.”

“Fine.” I cross my arms. “Do you feel differently about the rivalry, since you and I—” My voice stalls, because I don’t know what to call it. Some terms sound too crude, others too intimate.

“Since the Fourth?”

I nod.

“Yes.”

That one word hits me like an electric shock. “Yes?”

Liam steps closer, near enough I have to tilt my head up to see him. “If I treated sex like a casual transaction, it would have happened before you. After you. There was this girl in South Carolina.” He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “I saw her every morning on my run, just like I saw Audrey every morning on the Cape. And my life would be way simpler if I reacted to seeing them the way I react to thinking about you.”

His lips crash against mine, as hard as his words were soft. As aggressive as his sentences were gentle.

Liam kisses me like there’s a championship on the line. Like I’m a Hail Mary pass for a final touchdown. There’s a brief battle as we both nip and suck and breathe.

I want him.

I won’t admit it—to him or anyone else—but right now, I acknowledge it myself.

I want him—in a waynowwon’t fully satisfy. As part of moments I won’t ever get to have. Because if you got to choose circumstances, there would be a lot more happy people in the world.

All I have is this—frantic kisses in a closet that smells like turpentine. It fuels the eagerness already present—up until Liam pulls away. He puts a foot of space between us, chest heaving.

“I—” He mutters something that sounds a lot like a swear, running a hand through his short hair and gripping the back of his neck. “We shouldn’t.”

“Why not?” I counter.

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