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“Stop interrupting me!” he said. “Or I’ll lose my train of thought. Okay, what was I saying? Oh yeah. Sometime after Irene leftWill,you decided that you were above the whole meaningful human connection thing. You kept up only surface level friendships with people, you stopped talking to your brothers as much, and you completely gave up on the world of dating and women.”
“I had a son to raise. All on my own.”
“But that’s just it!” he said. “You didn’t have to do it on your own! We all would’ve helped you, we all would’ve been there for you. If you’d let us. But instead, you became jaded, and you took on this role of a single dad like it was the only option.”
“What was I supposed to do? Leave my infant son with you? Ten years ago, you were on your boat somewhere, docking only to sleep with some pretty European ladies and drink yourself silly!”
“Okay, not me. I’m a bad example. But David and Adam, they would’ve been there for you. Or you could’ve hired a nanny when Will was younger, someone you trusted to help you.”
“I didn’t want him to have a nanny so young,” I said. “I wanted him to bond with me.”
“And only you.”
“That’s not true.”
Ezra shook his head. “Look, I’m not trying to attack you. Not at all. I think you are an amazing dad, Will is a great kid, and I will always admire how you stepped up and took responsibility when your son needed someone to take care of him. That being said, now that Will is ten, and he can fend for himself a little bit, I’m wondering if it might be time that you got rid of that chip on your shoulder. Why not let a few more people into your life? Why not loosen up a little? Maybe even have some feelings.” He winked at me. “Trust me, they’re fun.”
“I have feelings.”
“But not the good ones.”
“And what are the good ones?”
“Oh you know, the feelings of lust, of love, of crushing on someone so hard you can’t even think straight!”
Little did Ezra know, and little did I want to admit to myself, I had been experiencing those feelings. Ever since I saw Stephanie in Hawaii, I had been crushing on her. Losing sleep over her. Getting distracted in my daily life by thoughts of her.
“Come back to the real world,” Ezra said. “The world in which human beings fall in love, and where they call their brothers just to say hi. Or to congratulate them on their new baby.” He took a sip of his water that a waiter had brought over and then smiled. “Speaking of, did you call David yet?”
“Lily had the baby?”
“A couple days ago.”
“I meant to call,” I said. “I just—Never mind. There’s no excuse. I will call him today. Send them a gift in the mail.”
“How generous of you.”
Just then Jeremy ran past the table and took a moment to check in with his brothers. “Looks like I’m going to be swamped for the next couple of hours, sorry Matt. Maybe we can go for a drink sometime soon? Catch up?”
Ezra looked at me and I realized he was testing me. He wanted to see what I would do with this generous invitation to hang out with Jeremy.
“Sure,” I said. “Sounds great. Anytime.”
Jeremy patted me on the back. “Awesome. I’ll let you know.” Then he ran back to the kitchen and we didn’t see him for the rest of the morning.
“So, what are you going to do about Stephanie?” Ezra asked.
“I don’t know. I guess if I were to take your advice, then I would just embrace my feelings for her and be a man in love.”
“Well, that depends,” Ezra said. “You can only be a man in love if you are actually a man in love. So the question is, what do you feel for this woman?”
“I—I don’t know.”
“Then I suggest it’s time you figure that out.”
I nodded and sipped my water. I knew he was right, but I didn’t exactly want to think about my feelings for Stephanie right then. I had a pretty good understanding of what I felt for her, as well as how powerful those feelings would be if I let them have any real place to live in my heart. But if I were to do that, then I would have to also accept that I really hurt her. I hurt the woman I had these strong feelings for, and she may never forgive me. The more I dwelled on this, the easier it was to make up my mind. I wasn’t going to go there. I would apologize to Stephanie solely in an attempt to smooth things over in our professional relationship and then re-dedicate myself to making sure nothing happened between us again.
As for Ezra’s advice of seeking out human connection, I didn’t hate the idea. I just couldn’t do it with Stephanie. It wasn’t the right time to bring a woman into my life permanently. But I could reconnect with my brothers—David especially. That could be good for me, I thought.
