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“My question made you nervous.”
“I…” she exhaled gustily. “I am not used to speaking candidly with a gentleman.”
“I quite like the idea of being your first.”
She searched his expression to see if he teased, and she only saw curious fascination. “I was married off very young and my husband was much older than I am.”
“I recall the many mentions in the scandal sheets. I believe you were eighteen.”
“Seventeen.” Theo rolled her eyes in an unladylike fashion. “Yes, our match was mocked, and I was even referred by some as notorious and compared to a flytrap.” And even to this season, some whispered behind their fans whenever she entered a ballroom. “Our marriage was…unusual.”
“How so?”
“That, Your Grace I cannot own to in any serious detail. You must simply accept it was unusual and within its confines I was unhappy and lonely. It was only in my dreams I could see the possibilities of the life I hungered to live.”
His expression grew thoughtful. “And what did you hunger for?”
“I suppose the freedom to laugh.”
He visibly jolted. “Laughter?”
“Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? I could not show the world how unhappy or frightened I was to have married a man older than my father, else I would be ungrateful. Viscount Winfern saved my father from debtor prison, and our entire family from scandal. How could I show that I was terribly uncertain of marriage and my new role in the world?”
Theo tipped her face to the sky, lost in the memories for several moment. “My mother and father happily went onto live in Venice with the money made through my union, and my brother is living in Hampshire with his wife and two children, quite happy he had not been required to marry someone he does not love to save the family from penury. It is odd, but I did not laugh for months after my marriage. I did not realize it until I was at a garden party hosted by Lady Pettigrew, and a flock of geese attacked Countess Merriweather’s hat and three other young ladies. It was as if a dam had been released. I laughed. We were shushed, and I was even reminded how unflattering it was for a viscountess to laugh so raucously. I showed my teeth!”
Theo chuckled at the ridiculous memory that was such a pivotal moment in her life. “We four ladies ran toward the lake, and once we were from earshot we laughed as loudly as we could and for as long as we wanted. It felt…freeing, and it was then I realized I had not laughed in thirteen months. I found a friendship with those ladies that day which is more than I could ever hope for. Their love and friendship saved me from many lonely nights, and through so many doubts and fears. I was incredibly naïve when I married, and I was not alone in this. Many young girls in our society marry at seventeen. Many have children by twenty. And many of us are no longer laughing…that is if we were ever allowed to laugh a little, because we must not be improper you know.”
A breeze stirred the air, carrying the scent of spring, and she inhaled it deep into her lungs. “Many gentlemen believe ladies are dull-witted and inarticulate. I daresay it soothes their vanity to think such nonsense. Ladies are groomed by their mothers and governesses to be biddable, hiding their natural wit and grace. Suchnonsense. At my home…at my home they are free to blunder without a sharp reprimand or a scandal ruining their chances. They are also free to shine as brightly as they can without fear of being rebuked. Many young ladies let life happen to them…and they are not a part of it, never truly living for themselves.”
“You hope to offer them that?”
She laughed a bit self-consciously. “It sounds a bit silly perhaps, but I do hope that being at my club they might find a slice of joy and comfort I did in my friendships and freedom to live a little.”
“It is not silly…but selfless and admirable.”
She had not expected that praise, knowing he found her to be ineligible company for his sister. “I do believe how I view life might influence the ladies that visit my home to rebel more against dictates that stifle them, to dare to live their lives independently,” Theo said softly, unable to hide from the role she played in Perdie’s actions.
“Perhaps it is better to have a sister who would fight against a fate that would make her unhappy instead of one who is biddable, swallow the bitterness in her heart, and endure a life of unhappiness.” His voice was flat and cold, uninviting more discourse.
Several moments passed in silence and she stole a glance at the duke. And so easily she lost her ability to breathe. The duke was gazing steadily at her. Sebastian stared at her with an expression of such naked longing, her gloved fingers as they twisted the reins shook. “Sebastian…I…were you staring at me this entire time?”
“Yes. You are not to blame yourself for Perdie’s action.”
“Have you not charged me as responsible?”
“If my sister trusted me, she would have confided her fears. No one is responsible for that but Perdie and myself. I cannot believe you’ve had other members act with such disregard for their reputation and families.”
Theo blinked. Last week she had at least five other ladies drink a bottle of their finest brandy and dare each other with many scandalous taunts. Some so wicked, reputations would be ruined should they ever dared to be so naughty.
“I can tell from your expression that I am off the mark,” he said, “I am intrigued.”
It felt as if an invisible thread had been woven between them, and now it tugged, pulling her a bit closer to him. Theo couldn’t explain the ease at which she conversed with the man. That in itself felt freeing…and also a comfort.
She made a non-committal sound. “As you are not a member at 48 Berkeley Square, I cannot divulge it.”
“Thank you for telling me about your club,” he said, the touch of his eyes never leaving her face.
What do you search for, Sebastian?
