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Perdie could have sat. Instead, she wandered to the rain-speckled window and looked out into the gloomy specter of the garden. When the sun shone, this little corner of the garden never failed to cheer her mood. It rivaled even the expansive hedges, flowers, and statues of her grandmother’s garden in Dunston. Now it looked as wet and bedraggled as she felt.
Her mother arrived in a whirlwind. The moment she stepped through the threshold, tugging her wrapper snugly around her, she crossed the room in a run. “Oh, Perdie. How could you?”
An admonishment and a benediction, both. Perdie found herself swept into her mother’s arms and held tight. At first, she returned the embrace.
Then she muttered, “You’re making it difficult to breathe, Mama.”
Her mother released her. She was young yet, not fifty, and despite the scattered threads of silver in her mahogany brown hair, she looked to be every bit in her prime. Holding Perdie at arm’s length, she gave her daughter a thorough inspection.
“Where have you been?”
Traveling.Perdie bit her tongue and found words that wouldn’t send her mother into an apoplexy. “To Grandmother’s cottage in Kent. I needed to clear my head.”
No sound that Mama ever made could be likened to a snort, but this one was laden with the same disbelief. “I’ll say. You gave us all a great fright, Lord Owen not the least.”
Perdie shrank away from her mother’s touch. She didn’t want to hear the name of her former fiancé. It felt like years had passed instead of only several days. She coughed into her fist to clear the sudden obstruction in her throat and meandered to warm herself in front of the fire. “I don’t want to hear of Lord Owen, Mama.”
“You want to end your engagement. You gave no clear reason for why.”
The night she returned from her encounter with Lord Owen, Perdie had been devastated. She’d let her emotions lead her, and although it had ultimately led her down a path she didn’t regret, it hadn’t exactly left her the most clearheaded, either. Without turning, she said, “I prefer to wait until Sebastian arrives. I don’t want to explain myself twice.”
“Your brother is not here. The last update I heard is that he left Brighton and is making his way to his grandmother’s cottage. Your brother chased after you almost immediately. He even hired runners to help discreetly search for you.”
Perdie whirled to face her. “I told him not to chase me in the note I left.”
“Have you gone daft! It is a wonder I did not accompany him. You left us in a worried shambles young lady! I will travel down first thing in the morning and inform Sebastian that you have returned to us.” The duchess planted her hands on her hips and assessed her in a calculating way that made Perdie feel she was still in leading strings. “Look at you, Perdie. You will stay here and rest. Recover some of your color. You’ll give your brother a shock if he sees you like that.”
Numbly, Perdie raised her hands to the coiffure Hattie had fussed over so diligently. She hadn’t thought she looked disheveled. Though perhaps she looked tired more so than anything else.
“After the fright you’ve given us, it’s a wonder I am not yelling at you. Sit down. Tell me why you would do such a bird-witted thing as leave London without word or escort.”
Each word penetrated to her bones. Perdie took a deep breath and shut her eyes, remembering down to the last detail what she had vowed to herself that night.
With the imprint of the fire’s glow on her eyelids, Perdie opened her eyes. She clenched her fists at her sides, digging her fingernails into her palms to keep herself steady. When she met her mother’s gaze, she was ready for the weight of the duchess’s disapproval.
Perdie lifted her chin. “I returned because I was afraid of wounding you and Seb anymore in my absence, not because I’ve changed my mind about the engagement. I haven’t. I don’t want to marry.” At least not yet.
She bit off every word, giving each syllable the full force of her conviction. Mama took a seat on the fainting couch, clasping her hands tightly. Perdie remained standing.
Calmly, as if discussing the weather, Mama answered, “Then you acknowledge the pain you caused in leaving in such a way.”
Odd, how her mother’s serenity could feel as frightening as being held at gunpoint. She nodded. “Yes. I’m sorry for that. I never meant to hurt you. I didn’t think there was anything left for me in London, so I left.”
Her mother’s scowl seemed to darken the room. “Whatever do you mean by that?”
“I mean—” She straightened to her full height, though it gave her precious little advantage. The thrum of her heartbeat in her ears grounded her. She met Mama’s gaze and would not look away. “In barring me from the women’s club at 48 Berkeley Square, Seb took away every friend I had made in the city. I don’t care if he thought it best for me. Those were the only women who cared about my opinions. The only people who cared. My so-called fiancé certainly did not.”
The duchess narrowed her eyes. “Lord Owen mentioned that you were emotional when he saw you last. He thought you might be ill.”
Perdie laughed bitterly. “Ill? If I was ill, it was only for his presence. I know a wife doesn’t dictate the laws that govern her household, but I asked him for a few simple things after we were married. He refused. So I refused him, and I won’t change my mind.”
Mama narrowed her eyes. “You are emotional. I’m certain you had a misunderstanding. We’ve gone to some trouble to arrange a beneficial marriage at your behest. Don’t throw that away on a whim. If you speak with Lord Owen again, you’ll see—”
“And you are doing the very same thing as when I tried to tell you my feelings, Mama. You dismissed them as something trivial. As if I do not know my own mind and heart.”
Her mother faltered, a surprised look creasing her face. Then she frowned. “I see.”
“My thoughts on the engagement have not changed.” She was finally taking in her hands the reins of her own destiny, and she refused to give them up.
