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Perdie hated being reminded of that time. It seemed she couldn’t turn a corner before her mother recalled her weakest moment. “I was young. I didn’t know what love was.”
Did she now? Thinking of the word made her think of Thaddeus, of the way she felt taller, more capable of anything while he was around. The way she felt powerful when she teased him, and powerful when she surrendered to him. He was the first man who truly saw her, not the woman he wanted to see, but Perdie, who was brash and outspoken, who didn’t want to be shackled to a man. Thaddeus not only saw her, but he respected her; he listened when she spoke. She’d thrown that respect into his face because she’d been afraid she was with child.
However, that had been before the conversation with Lady Theo. Now that she knew she could have some measure of control over when children arrived…
After a long moment, her mother said, “You’re right. You were young. You still are, but I can see all of the ways you have grown since then. I think you know your own mind better now, but I still don’t think you know what is best for your future.”
Perdie made a face. “Mama.”
“No. Don’t wrinkle your nose. Your face will stay that way.”
Perdie couldn’t help but smile, even though she tried to tuck it away.
“I think you don’t know your future, because you are seeing it months from now, not years from now. When you get to my age, it won’t matter how much money or how many connections, how many friends you have. The gentlemen will look for younger brides, brides still able to give them children. It’s lonely without a husband, Perdie. Even with two children grown.”
To Perdie’s horror, she thought she saw tears in her mother’s eyes. Mama blinked quickly and looked away, taking a sip of her tea.
“You’re lonely? But you have Mrs. Harrington.”
Mama nodded. “And Mrs. Harrington is a dear friend, but neither of us will truly forget that I’m paying her to be my companion. I’m offering her daughter the opportunity, through standing as your paid companion, of someday meeting a gentleman who will elevate her status. The rest of the women my age are vipers, out to secure the best marriages for their daughters. I thought I had a friend in a certain marchioness, but it appears that even that was tied to Sebastian marrying her daughter. Status may open a lot of doors, but it doesn’t mean your friends will be genuine.” The dowager duchess, as composed as ever, took a sip of tea. She seemed to stare into the distance, thinking, but when she spoke again, it was direct. “Your brother has received a dozen offers of marriage since you turned Lord Owen down. Did you know?”
Perdie shook her head. “So now that my reputation is ruined, the women will not have me at their events, but I’m good enough for any of the men? Even if I am dragged to the altar, I will say no. I will not marry any of them.” Only Thaddeus her heart silently cried.
“You can’t,” Mama agreed.
Perdie was so shocked that she forgot to breathe.
A small smile tipped her mother’s lips as she assessed her daughter. “You’re sensible in that. It’s why I think Lord Owen is the best of them. He wanted you before this misunderstanding; he wants you still despite how callous you’ve treated him of late. He loves you.”
Perdie studied the tablecloth. “But I don’t love him.”
“You thought you once did. You might again. You only have to give it a chance. What are you afraid of?”
Perdie made no reply.
“I was a young bride,” Mama confessed at her silence. “Younger than you, in fact. I was terrified, which is why I wanted a long engagement between you and Lord Owen to begin with. It’s why I wanted you to have a season, to see London and its delights before retiring back to the countryside to have children. I thought, if I did, you would have the perspective that I didn’t have when I married your father.”
Perdie studied her mother’s face, but it was a mask. “I don’t understand. If that’s the way you feel, why have you been pressuring me to marry Lord Owen this entire time?”
The older woman picked at her fingernails, the first nervous habit Perdie had ever seen her make. She was always so composed, so poised and in control. Seeing her as any less was shocking.
“Because I think he’s good for you. The best of your options, as I said. Believe it or not, the situation has changed. If you don’t marry soon, you will be considered a ruined woman and attract a different kind of male attention than you’d like. Your brother certainly won’t stand for it. He might even send you out of London.”
“For something men will do?”
Mama’s eyes glittered. “For the danger men will put you in. Your brother loves you.”
“Then perhaps he ought not to make my decisions for me.”
Mama chuckled softly. “You can try to tell him that, if you’d like. But he filled your father’s shoes young, and he keeps trying to be a duke who would make him proud. The fact of the matter is that even if the attention of the rakes won’t bring your brother to isolate you for your own safety, you will have no other options soon. Men of the ton marry not only to please themselves, but to please their families. Many cannot or will not go against them. The offers of marriage you have now will dry up, and you will be left as alone as I am.”
Perdie reached for Mama’s hand. She squeezed it and said, “We don’t have to be alone. We can have each other.”
Mama smiled, but it didn’t meet her eyes. “I want more than that for you. I want you to be happy all your days.”
“How can I do that if marriage becomes a prison for me?”
The dowager squeezed her daughter’s hand. “Don’t let it. Not all marriages are prisons. You’re already comfortable enough with Lord Owen to air your fears to him. If you explain yourself, if you compromise, I’m certain you can both learn to thrive. Marriage is not meant to be a burden on either side; it’s meant to be a partnership. You’re meant to support each other, to help each other grow, to protect and cherish each other. Your father and I had that kind of marriage, and it’s why I didn’t immediately remarry upon his death. But…I regret that now, a little. I don’t want you to have regrets.”
