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There it was. The blanket statement that ended it all. The sentiment would have been sweetly misguided if it hadn’t driven them apart. He believed. It amounted to nonsense talk, but in his head he viewed it as truth.
Shame that on this one issue he ignored the reality that life could be better than what he was handed. “How do you know?”
His eyes narrowed. “What?”
“How many long-term relationships have you had?” She steeled her body for the verbal blow. She had a theory and put it out there, hoping she’d turn out to be right.
“We should talk about something else.” He started to pivot.
“I’ll narrow it down for you.” She spoke louder and put a hand on his arm to hold him there. “Did you ever live with a woman?”
He blinked a few times. “Just you, and that was informal.”
The relief crashing over her nearly knocked her down. “Ever date one woman for more than three months in a row?”
He didn’t hesitate. “You.”
The last of the tension whooshed out of her. Even though she seemed to be the only one fighting for them, at least he refrained from using her weakness for him against her. “Then you have no idea what you could or couldn’t do long term.”
“I didn’t go to school until I was eleven.” He folded his hand over hers where it lay against her arm.
“Do you think that’s a test for something?” The rain cast dampness over everything and had her shivering, but his touch sent warmth spiraling through her.
“Yes, for everything.”
His palm brought the heat back to her limbs. “All it says to me is your father was a sick man, which I already knew. He grew paranoid and scary and died from a brain tumor. You didn’t hide that from me.”
His hand squeezed hers. “That wasn’t really an option since your father had my information and knew.”
Not a surprise. Her father specialized in collecting information. The more confidential and harder to find, the more he liked hunting it down. He was a specific type of person. The same type as Joel.
“Believe it or not, he didn’t hand me your personnel file,” she said.
This time Joel smiled and life sparked behind those serious eyes. “I bet he tried.”
“Yes.” He’d lectured, done everything but make a pros and cons list about Joel.
Not that her dad would put anything on the con list. He loved Joel like a son and wanted him to be the one for her. Dad had never been subtle on that point.
“Why didn’t you take it?” Joel asked.
That was easy. “I wanted to learn everything about you in the normal way. Date like normal people. Eat together like normal people. Find out about each other like normal people.”
“I remember our first date.” His free hand went to her hair. He slid it forward and weaved his fingers through.
“Italian food. We ate for three hours.”
He wrapped a lock around his forefinger. “I was done in ten minutes, but I moved a few stray pieces around on my plate because I wanted to be with you as long as possible.”
Her heart did a perfect backflip. “When did that stop?”
The sadness moved back into his eyes as his thumb traced her lower lip. “Never.”
“So, you left me for a job.” The words stuck in her chest, but she shoved them out, letting them rip and tear as they went.
“Yes.”
The word hit her like a punch. “And then you left that job for the one you have now.”
She didn’t understand that choice. He had confessed how much he wanted the position at the Defense Intelligence Agency, how he needed to be available to come and go. That the work would be dangerous and the hours impossible. He’d pick up and leave and couldn’t tell her...so they should move on from each other.
The memory of how easy it had been for him to deliver the horrible news still haunted her. She’d begged and he’d walked away. Never looked back.
But now she saw a different man. This Joel didn’t celebrate leaving her. When he looked at her he acted as if the need crushed him. She just wished he could see it. She wished he was willing to do something to fix them.
His chest rose and fell on heavy breaths as his fingertips brushed against her cheek. “The DIA job was a mistake.”
Not the answer she expected. Not really the question in her mind either. “Was leaving me a mistake?”
He closed his eyes for the briefest of seconds “Hope, don’t—”
She stopped his words by putting her palms on either side of his face. “Kiss me.”
“No.” There was no heat behind the word.
“Why?”
“I won’t stop.”
She leaned in closer, letting her breath mingle with his. “You will. We’ll kiss and then we’ll get in that bed and sleep.”
