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But she tried not to get too excited, because he looked more shell-shocked than in love. His skin had an odd dullness to it and he looked as though he should consider sitting down. “Why the change?”
“Cam and Shane basically told me I’m an idiot.”
She smiled as she set the glass down on the porch and out of kicking range. After spending a few days with Shane she could almost hear the conversation. “I like them.”
“Don’t be fooled. They’re idiots, too.” Holt matched her and dropped his bag. Didn’t put it on the ground or near the car. No, he walked up two steps and put it on the porch and then returned to where he was standing below her.
For some reason that struck her as significant. It would be better if he put it in her bedroom or loaded her stuff in his truck to leave. Both worked for her.
She had a home and a life here, but she could shift. She could anchor herself to him. After all these years obsessing over the same thing, it might be good to find a new hobby. Find new work and another passion. Though her passion for him did consume her at the moment.
The warm sun pounded down on them. The temperature had turned and the unseasonably cool weather had moved out, leaving a bright blue sky behind. Summer in Oregon was a beautiful thing. The water close by and the towering trees lining the mountains. Between the fresh air and the good food, she could almost forget all the killing.
Almost.
Neither of them said anything for a minute. She was content to stand there and look at him. The temptation to brush back his hair. All that touching in the bedroom. She wanted that feeling of intimacy no matter where they were together.
The bag and sweet words already told her what she needed to know about his commitment. None of this came easy to him, but he was trying. This was hard for him, but he pushed through and she knew he did it all for her. Maybe because his friends gave him a hard time, but she could accept that.
She was about to take pity on him when he started talking. “When I said I cared for you I meant it.”
“I know.” But the lukewarm phrase made her back teeth slam together. Instinctively, she knew it was a lot for him to say. That it was a big deal. But she wanted more. After a lifetime of settling and helping others, she was ready to grab something for herself. And she wanted it to be him.
He took one of her hands in both of his. Played with her fingers and caressed her palm. The gentle touches had her nerve endings screaming for more. “I will never lie to you.”
“I get that, too.”
“I’m going to mess up.” He peeked up at her. “A lot. This relationship stuff doesn’t come naturally to me, and the strength of my feelings for you scares me. They knock me sideways and that’s never happened before.”
She loved every word.
“I see you and I want to strip your clothes off.” He threw her a lopsided smile. “It was that way from day one. Something very primal and instinctive.”
But she wanted this—no, needed this—to be about more than sex. She had already said the words, and she’d stopped short. He needed to make part of the journey now. “Tell me what you really want from me. I know what I want from you, but what are you looking for?”
“Everything.”
“Holt...”
“I’ve had a messed-up life. A weird relationship with my dad and nearly dying.” He shrugged. “Those aren’t excuses for anything. More like explanations.”
“I get it.” She did. “The past shapes us. I mean, really. Look at my life and my obsession.” So much of who she was and how she reacted to things came from back then. She’d set her entire adult life around a place she professed to hate.
For her, New Foundations and everything that had happened this week were about closure and moving on. For the first time she felt as if she had the power and strength to make it happen.
“Any chance you’re looking for a new one?”
She missed the comment, but she caught the smile. It was infectious. When he opened up and let his feelings shine through, he was even more attractive. She loved the brooding side. The darkness and his need to control and protect. Those were all parts of him and together they made up this beautiful, complex, wonderful man.
His comment finally registered. “Wait, what did you say?”
“Obsession. If you’re looking for one I’d be happy to volunteer.” He started ticking off points on his fingers. “I don’t smoke. Not a big drinker except for a beer with football. I can cut firewood and take you to dinner.”
The words hit her and that hope turned into a raging bonfire. He stood there handing her everything. Stuff she’d always dreamed of and things she didn’t even know she wanted until they came in a package that included him.
