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“I don’t give a fuck what Storm says. I didn’t ask for this. I’m not part of the club.”
“But you are!”
How could he say that? I wasn’t part of anything. Hero would eventually return tohisclub. Why the fuck would he want me there after cutting me loose?
I gritted my teeth, squeezing the door handle. “Please leave.”
Copper set Luna on the sofa. The torment in his eyes was palpable as he came to me. “Tara, I’m your friend. What’s happening? This isn’t like you.” He cautiously raised his hand and placed it against my cheek.
I didn’t rear my head back, desperate for some form of human touch. But I couldn’t rely on Copper or anyone else to rescue me from the runaway train I was on.
“That’s just it, Copper. If we were friends, you’d know thisisme. I want you to leave.”
“Fuck. Let me help you. Is this about Hero?”
“I said get out,” I yelled in his face. Tears pooled in my eyes. Dammit, I was breaking. I shoved him in the chest, pushing him out the door. “Just leave me alone.”
He stared at me on the porch as if trying to read my mind, or maybe feel what I was feeling, but I wouldn’t wish this kind of fucked up pain on my worst enemy.
I slammed the door and bolted it. I closed the drapes in the front window so he couldn’t see into my house. Quickly, I checked the back door, making sure it was locked too.
Luna meowed on the sofa as if crying for Cooper to come back and for me to get it together.
“I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry. Momma is… I’m… I need to make it stop.” My tears fell. “I need to make the pain go away.”
She meowed more, jumping onto the floor.
I had to get away from her. She shouldn’t see me this way, but the little twirp followed me to the bathroom. I shut the door and bent at the waist, gulping in the air.
Breathe, just breathe. You don’t need to do this. You can get past this episode.
My words fell on deaf ears as I eyed the cabinet under the sink. The one holding a tampon box. But tampons weren’t in it. The hairs on my arms raised, goose flesh spreading over my body as I reached for the knob on the door. It’d been so long since I was in this mental state, but not so long that I couldn’t remember the stinging or sickening smell of tobacco. My hand recoiled.
Back when I was a child, any attention I’d received from my daddy made me happy. Even when he messed with my head telling me I was a burden, a pain in his ass. That I cramped his style and was in the way.
I was so young, I didn’t care what he’d said. Any attention made me feel loved.
I just want to be loved...
Stop, Tara.
Luna’s crying grew louder, raking across my heart.
I saw his face. Heard him telling me,“I promised myself I would never fall in love again.”
Hero would never love me. He didn’t want me. He only used me just as he did the club girls. Libby. Amber. Rhonda. Probably fucking Carla too.
How many more had he fucked before me?
After me?
I dropped to my knees on the linoleum floor as a sob ripped from my throat.
Just make it stop. Please make it stop.
My body shook as panic flooded my heart. I banged the back of my head on the wall, trying to force the chatter inside it to stop but it wasn’t enough to bring me away from the edge. I couldn’t hit it as hard as I wanted without making noise or damaging the wall. Copper was within earshot. If he knew, everyone would find out. I dug my nails into my thighs, but my jeans were in the way, dulling the suffering I sought. The excruciating pain in my heart overpowered my senses. It weakened me. I hated to feel out of control. It had to stop it or I’d shatter completely.
Stripping out of my pants and shirt, I clawed at my flesh, scratching up my outer thigh, then down. Pinching as hard as possible left me needing. Tears dripped down my face. It wasn’t enough. I had to have more. I had to. I had to feel this pain so that it could stop tormenting me.
