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“What the fuck is going on, Roja? What were you doing in here?”
He kicked bottles out of his way, grabbed me by the bicep, and whirled me around. His assessing black depths traveled over my face and body. He took my hand and lifted it between us.
“Jesus Christ.” Tears pooled in his eyes. I followed his gaze to my hand.
Choking back a sob, my knees gave out. Hero caught me as I went down. I stared at the clump of hair in my shaking palm.
I’d been so lost in my head. I hadn’t felt any pain ripping it out of my scalp.
“Why the fuck were you trying to hurt yourself?”
I blanched at the harshness in his tone.
“Get out! Just leave me alone.”
“No fucking chance that’s happening. What sent you over? Was it me?” He took the hair out of my hand and threw it in the trash can beside the toilet. “Talk to me, goddammit!”
I shook my head, burying my face in my hands. What was happening? Why was he still here?
His large hands went around my face, forcing me to look up at him. I squeezed my eyes shut, clawing at his hands to release me.
“Look at me,” he barked. “I want you to open your fucking eyes and look at me. Tell me why you were in here, trying to burn yourself again. I want to fucking know what I did to drive you to this dark place! I want to know what I did so I’ll never do it again!”
“Just go. You’re better off without me.” I sobbed as the words left my lips. “You’ll never be able to give me what I need.” My chest felt like it was collapsing on my soul. “I’m so sorry about your wife and baby. I’d trade my life for theirs in a heartbeat to bring them back for you. I’d sell my soul to the Devil if it meant you could be with Monica again.”
His arms wrapped around me, squeezing me so tight, I couldn’t hardly breathe.
“No, baby. No.” Jesus, he was crying. “I can’t live without you. Don’t ever talk like that. Don’t you ever wish you were anywhere other than with me. I need you. My soul needs you more than air, more than life, more than Monica.”
I slapped his shoulder. “Don’t say that. Stop lying to me. Monica is your wife. You’re one true love.”
He firmly gripped my chin. “I have the capacity to love two women. When I left after the run, I went to California to make peace with Monica. I went to finally put her memory to rest. She was a good woman. She would want me to be happy and love again. She would like you,mi vida. She would give me her blessing.”
I shoved at his chest, trying to push him away. I didn’t want to hear this. I didn’t believe him.
“Please leave me alone. We’ll never be what I want us to be. Nor should we be.”
23
Hero
SHE SHOVED ME back. I didn’t understand what was happening. How did we go from me sharing about Monica and my son and their murders to this? To my woman trying to hurt herself. To my woman pulling her fucking hair out. To my woman pushing me away.
“Please leave me alone. We’ll never be what I want us to be. Nor should we be.” She hit my chest. “Go, Hero.”
I rubbed the ache in my chest, my stomach twisting into a knot. Staring at Roja in disbelief, I heard my abuela,“Tu es… you are mucho sensitive. Tu corazón es… your heart is mucho delicado.”I didn’t give a fuck if I was very sensitive. Tara’s words broke my goddamn delicate heart, slaying me to the point I could hardly breathe. Did she mean it? That we’d never be what she wanted? I didn’t fucking know. Was I doing more harm to her than good by being with her? Fuck if I knew.
What was I supposed to do?
“You know it’s true. Stop lying to yourself.” She turned away from me, leaning against the wall. “Go, Hero. Just go.”
Was it true? Was I lying to myself?
Maybe I was.
I dragged my ass off the floor, standing upright. In a cloud of haze, I went to Tara’s bedroom. I found my boxers and jeans, tugged them on, and sat on the edge of her bed. Burying my face in my hands, I couldn’t stop the fucking tears from falling. The very thought of walking away from her crippled me, made me want to die there on the bed as I cried like a pussy. The pain was so debilitating I didn’t want to go on living in this hell without her.
My stomach roiled as I tried to imagine my life without her. Imagine never smelling her strawberry and vanilla scent. Feel her silky red locks wrapped around my fingers. Lose myself in the warmth and nirvana of her body.
