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He looked away.
“Hey, eyes over here.”
He swooped them back at me. “We don’t have to do this.”
“Maybe we need to do this. That night, I’d walked out the alley entrance to go to my car. Do you remember that?”
He shook his head.
“No, of course you don’t, because you were already lying on the pavement. You were knocked out before I even came out of the building. I’d screamed for help when I saw you lying there.” I exhaled a heavy breath.
“We can stop.”
“No. We need this.” I kissed him softly. “I need this.”
“Okay.”
“Nancy had heard me and ran out when the enforcer grabbed me. Everything happened at lightning speed from that moment on. He would’ve raped her too if he hadn’t heard your brothers coming.”
“I’m so fucking sorry for what he did to you.” He cuddled me closer. “So fucking sorry.”
“I know, baby. It’s not your fault.” I stroked his cheek with my thumb to soothe him. I didn’t want him to blame himself. He’d been knocked out cold.
“I’ll always protect you from here on out.”
“I know you will do whatever it takes to keep me safe, but I also know there are bad people in the world who do horrible, horrible things.” In therapy, I’d learned we couldn’t control someone else’s actions. It had been a hard pill to swallow when I was the victim. But to conquer my demons, I needed to focus on myself and not on how I hated and feared my attacker and everything around me. After Drew had told me the enforcer hanged himself in jail, it had been much easier to move forward in getting myself well.
“You are a warrior, Ava.”
“It took me a long time to get here. It hasn’t been easy. I feel damaged. Dirty.”
“No,” he said through gritted teeth. “You’re not dirty. You might feel broken, but you’re healing. You’re doing it, Ava.”
“I was a virgin.”
“Christ.” His eyes teared up. “Fuck.”
“More than anything, I want that violent act wiped from my memory.”
“I’ll help in any way.”
This conversation was a salve to my soul. To know he cared about me despite what had happened meant the world to me. I needed Drew’s understanding and love. The tenderness he’d shown me over the past year had done wonders in helping me get to a better place after such a heinous attack. I was stronger, thanks to Drew, and I wanted to take our relationship to the next step.
“I had a feeling you’d say that. I think I’m ready… or closer to being ready.”
He furrowed his brow the way I loved. “Ready for what?”
“Sex.”
“Ava? Drew?” Nana knocked on the door. “I’m going to bed. Don’t stay up too late.”
She still treated me like I was thirteen. “Good night, Nana. We won’t stay up late.”
Tension radiated off Drew as we lay there, holding our breaths until we heard her bedroom door latch. I worried he’d try to talk me out of sex, but I wouldn’t let him. My mind was made up.
“Ava, are you sure?” The stricken expression he sometimes got appeared. “There’s no rush. I’m not going anywhere.”
“But you are tomorrow. You said you had club business tomorrow night. You of all people know tomorrow isn’t promised. It’s dangerous club business, isn’t it?”
