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She tugged her sleeve down over the reminder of what Robbie Guidry had given her which was not just the wound but fear itself. “He pinned me down in the kitchen, touched me, did things that I had to have a lot of therapy for.” She stopped because she had to. Sucking in a deep breath, she averted her eyes.
“You can stop if you want. If it’s too hard.” Lucas’s words were like hot tea and sunshine in the darkness of her soul.
“No, I’m good. My dad saved me. He hit Robbie with the baseball bat my brother left in the corner of the kitchen. My mother must have told Jay a million times to take that bat to his room. Thank goodness my brother had selective hearing. All this happened long ago, but it changed me. I’m cautious, and I fight being afraid every day. I go to group therapy and function quite well, but the fear sometimes jumps out at me. It’s just part of who I am.”
“Jesus, Addy.”
“I don’t know why I told you. It’s not something you tell people who are just in a ‘situation together.’”
His face softened. “Yeah, sorry about that. But I appreciate you trusting me.”
“Watching you struggle, feeling trapped, and very much, I don’t know, alone? Guess I wanted you to understand why I’m private. Why I’m not a girl who can open herself to just any guy.”
Lucas watched her, his hands still clasping the sides of the chair. He looked shell shocked. And a little angry. “It explains a lot. The way you reacted to me the day Michael crashed into the greenhouse, the way you kept looking at the door that night when I came for the kids. I’m sorry that happened to you.”
She pressed her lips together, embarrassment creeping in. Or maybe not embarrassment so much as vulnerability. She hated feeling the eternal victim.
He lifted a hand and ran it through his dark hair, making it stick up, softening his normally hard look. “So is this guy still in prison?”
She nodded, anxiety once again filling her at the thought of Robbie Guidry and the scare tactics he employed from behind bars. Seemed ironic he could still bait her from that locked cell.
An overwhelming feeling crept over her. She shouldn’t have said anything to Lucas, should have marched her hind end up those stairs, changed into work clothes, and rebuilt the stupid greenhouse with him. Good fences make good neighbors… even if he wasn’t her true neighbor.
After all, what did she care if he thought her a rude bitch? He might pack up and leave the next day, so why bother giving him a glimpse into her world?
“Good. I hope he rots.”
Addy swallowed the inclination to give him more details. She’d said enough. The less she gave Lucas, the more she held of herself. “So now you know why I get a little rattled when strangers burst into my world. I try not to allow the past to affect me, but I accept sometimes it does.”
He nodded, his gaze dipping. She knew his thoughts. She dressed to fade into the background. Her long gray dress wasn’t particularly flattering and the comfy black Mary Janes weren’t anything close to sexy. She’d pulled her dark hair into a low ponytail and tasteful silver hoops dangled from her ears. Her only cosmetics consisted of a good moisturizer, under eye concealer, and cherry Chapstick. Plain and unassuming. Designed to be overlooked.
So different from that seventeen-year-old girl with her teased hair, red lips, and tight clothing who had climbed onto Robbie Guidry’s motorcycle. The Chalmette High School homecoming queen had faded into a shadow of her former self.
But Addy embraced that change. She owned her neurosis about not standing out and drawing attention to herself. Many would say she limited herself, but she valued comfort over being some symbol. So she didn’t buy miniskirts that highlighted her trim legs, wear pretty blouses that plunged, or brush on sparkly eye makeup that made her brown eyes more golden. Once upon a time, she’d loved those things, but she couldn’t make her brain understand that it wasn’t her fault Robbie had done what he’d done. She merely felt safer not drawing attention to herself.
“I’m sorry he hurt you,” Lucas said, standing and crossing his arms.
“Yeah, I am, too. But our past doesn’t dictate our future. It’s hard to remember that when those feelings creep in and take over.”
Lucas held himself silent, a lone figure once again contemplating the horizon with its puffy clouds. “The past defines us, becomes part of us. We can’t change that.”
“No, we can’t. We have to accept what happened and try to be the best we can and still be comfortable within our parameters. That’s what I do.” She glanced down at her unpainted nails, noting the dirt beneath her pinky one.
“Thank you for sharing your past with me.”
“I wanted you to see it wasn’t you. It’s me.”
“That’s a breakup line.”
Addy smiled. “Yeah, but it stands true in this situation. I sometimes protect myself when I don’t need to.”
“I see that now.”
“So you ready to repair a greenhouse?”
He nodded, but the troubled expression on his face didn’t ease. His escaping to the porch wasn’t only because she’d lashed out at his questions. The kids and the situation he found himself in had pecked at his confidence and sent him scurrying for breathing room.
Addy propped a Mary Jane on the bottom step and gave him a little smile. “Ready to double team some kids?”
