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Her mother’s blank stare said it all.
And Tess didn’t want to admit she was right, but… “Okay, I’m slightly difficult.”
“Well, your father is overloaded with difficult things at present. Maybe he was cowardly and dishonest, but he’s not perfect, and neither are you.”
“So you’re saying it’s okay to lie to me and sneak behind my back to hire a new CEO,” Tess intoned, still aggravated by her mother’s calling a spade a spade.
“I’m telling you your father loves you, didn’t want to hurt you, and has never been good at telling you no. If he’d have told you what he planned, you would have talked him out of it. You would have made him make you CEO, which in his emotional state of mind might not have been a wise decision. So he went around you.”
Her mother’s words found their mark, and again, pierced her. But she knew those words were true.
From early on, Tess had always been able to talk her father into anything she wanted. Case in point, he’d bought her diamond earrings when she was seven, donated lime green cleats to her eighth grade soccer team, and delivered her a bright red convertible VW Bug in which she had tooled her around the campus of the college she insisted on. Tess was accustomed to getting what she wanted… mostly because Frank Ullo had seen she got it. “You make me sound like a bad person.”
Anger flashed in her mother’s eyes. “Don’t put words in my mouth, Tess. You know that’s not what I’m doing. You are a very good person, but your father spoiled you. Quite frankly, I think he realized it when the doctor gave him the diagnosis and he had to think hard about what direction to go with his company.”
Tess stood and walked to the edge of the patio. She’d held on to her anger at her father for weeks, and then when she’d found out he was gravely sick, the guilt and confusion over what she felt had blanketed her, smothering the rage she’d felt over the slight she’d perceived her father gave her. She’d never looked at it from his point of view, never wanted to even entertain the idea she couldn’t slip right into the old man’s shoes and run the company without a hitch.
Turning away from the beauty of the emerging cannas along the fence line, she looked at her mother. Maggie had always seemed eternally youthful, but in that moment, Tess noted how tired she looked. Her roots showed gray, and her face seemed more lined than ever. Worrying about her husband had taken its toll on her. “My emotions are so mixed up, Mom. I don’t know what to do.”
Maggie came to Tess and wound an arm about her waist. “You’ll find a way. You always do.”
“I’m still hurt, and there’s no way to fix what I’ve done. I work for Upstart. It’s like I’m not even an Ullo anymore.” Emotion welled in her, choking her at the thought of what she’d done for pride’s sake. What she’d given up because she couldn’t accept the fact her father might have been right.
“Ah, Tess, that will never be true. You’re an Ullo to your core. Your father is proud of you no matter who you work for.” Maggie smiled at her. “And I am, too.”
Tess had tried so hard not to cry, but tears came anyway. “This has all been so terrible, Mama. Everything in my life feels so off-kilter. How can I change that?”
Maggie wrapped her arms around Tess, and the emotion unleashed. Just like in Graham’s car, grief, hurt and anger swamped Tess, rending her control, sloughing away any power she had against the feeling. For several seconds she allowed herself to cling to her mother’s strength.
Finally, Maggie eased Tess away from her. “I can’t fix things for you, baby. You should have learned that long ago. Or… maybe I learned it.”
“That was before. When my life was golden.”
“Life can’t be golden every day. Having dark days makes the golden ones precious. Believe me, I’ve learned to bask in the light and hold tight to the memories of the sun on my shoulders during times I can’t see. Nothing’s perfect, Tess. You just never learned to accept that sometimes good and bad must exist together.”
“I haven’t had much bad in my life until recently. Now everything’s turned to shit.” Tess rubbed her eyes.
Maggie sighed. “Yeah, it is kind of shitty, but we’ll survive as best we can, enjoying the golden moments that crop up.”
For a moment, they stood quietly, each wrapped in their own thoughts.
“Mama?”
“Yeah?”
“I can’t talk to Daddy yet. I need more time.”
Maggie turned and measured her with astute green eyes before giving a curt nod. “Okay, you think about the words we exchanged today, but… ”
Tess looked up, expecting more words of wisdom.
“… don’t take too long thinking about forgiveness. Imagine a world without your father. Imagine a world in which you never break through your anger at him. Your life has always been better because your father was in it.”
And then something hit Tess. A sort of understanding, heavy and dark, slammed into her. There were no words for what it was. Or maybe there were, but Tess couldn’t have found them.
And it hurt like a knife stuck into her soul.
“Mom, don’t say that. Don’t act like he won’t make it,” Tess said, her voice cracking.
