Page 86 of Sweet Talking Man


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“Because I'm starting to feel dirty. You come over, under the cloak of darkness, to sleep with me. We had one date that might be considered halfway public. The rest of the time we've spent has been strictly on the down low. Which, hey, is cool. I mean, I like getting laid."

Abigail's eyes grew icy. "It's more than some sordid rendezvous. We're friends, too. You know that."

"Do I? You seem pretty comfortable with what's going on between us. Acquaintances on the surface but getting nasty every time the lights go out."

"Leif, why are you doing this?" Abigail asked, her voice trembling.

"Because I'm beginning to understand the way my mother might have felt. Am I really that different from the other men in town? Are you embarrassed of this?" He lifted a hank of hair brushing his shoulder. "Or because I play the ukulele, dress differently, and meditate?"

“Of course not. You're twisting this around. If you want to come with me to John and Shelby's wedding, you're welcome to. I just didn't think you'd want to. I thought this was what you wanted - the whole ' let's hang out and have a little fun' thing."

Leif shook his head. He didn't believe her. "Know what? It's fine. I don't care about the wedding. I just wanted you to treat me as something other than an easy lay.”

He couldn't seem to take the hurt from his voice. Honestly, up until he'd uttered the words, he hadn't known he felt she much this way. The past few weeks had been sweet and intimate as they'd gotten to know each other, enjoying each other's bodies but also finding laughter and commonalities.

Maybe looking for his father had brought these feelings to the surface. Inside he felt about as stable as gelatin. He'd thought it would be so simple. He would find his father, tell the man he had a son, and then move on in life knowing he'd carried out his mother's last wishes. But this? This was complicated. He'd grown too attached to the community, and too attached to Abigail. And deep down he worried about what his father would think of him. What if he, too, rejected him? Leif had never felt so needy or out of control before. He hated what he'd become.

He couldn’t do this anymore.

"I'm sorry if you felt that way," she said, her expression sincere. "Maybe Ihavebeen content with the way things are. And, yeah, you're different than any other guy I've ever been with. But that doesn't mean I'm ashamed of you."

"Yeah, guess there's not much diversity in the dating pool around here. I know I'm not like the guys around here. I actually like who I am," he said, staring past her, not wanting her to see any residual hurt that might be lingering in his gaze. Part of him was embarrassed at letting his true feelings show, the other part resigned to owning those feelings of inadequacy. "All the dudes look the same with their plaid button-downs or camo. Hey, I’ve just been trying to bring some variety to Magnolia Bend."

If he joked about it, it would make him look not so vulnerable. He needed to throw himself a life preserver and pull himself to safe ground. Make light of their first disagreement. Turn the situation to something that wouldn't feel like it could drown him.

Abigail walked to him and brushed her hand over his naked chest. "Don't be mad. Okay? You've been so good for me."

He couldn't resist asking "How?"

"You've made me feel like I'm worth loving again."

"Love?" he said.

At that word his heart gave a jolt. He couldn't love Abigail. Care about her? Sure. But not the L word. He couldn't fall in love because he wasn't that kind of guy. Time and again, he'd proved he couldn't stay with just one woman. This was something he'd accepted about himself, mostly because the panic attacks he'd suffered while engaged to Marcie had proved he wasn't a normal guy who could settle down. He couldn't commit. That was what every woman he'd ever been with screamed at him eventually.

Besides, Abigail wasn't looking for a forever guy. If she were, she would have found someone already. Plenty of staid, family men around town. Hell, she had Cal sniffing around, nailing stuff, and trying to be useful again. Leif was her boy toy, a virtual emotional handyman, patching up her esteem and improving her morale. Yeah, that was him in a nutshell - ol’ “good for a roll in the hay" Leif.

But maybe that wasn't enough anymore. Maybe he now wanted more for himself.

And that scared the hell out of him.

Abigail's eyes had widened at the L word. "Wait, I didn't mean love. I know we're not going there. I meant you have given me back a piece of myself I had put away on the shelf. These past few weeks of laughter, flirting, and feeling absolutely daring and desirable, have been so good."

He pulled her to him, resting his chin on her head. "I'm glad for you."

But what had Abigail given him?

He'd come to Magnolia Bend in order to find the truth. Instead the empty hole in his life had grown wider. He'd seen the small-town closeness, the way the community supported its own, and feared a faceless man who wouldn't want him. He'd known he had a void- he just never knew he longed to fill it with anything like what Cal had thrown away.

God, who had he become?

Leif didn't have an answer for that.

Because he couldn't move forward until he found his father... until he knew his past. Nothing about Abigail could change that.

So maybe, as much as he wished it wasn't true, being with Abigail wasn't good for him at this point. Her pretending him away in the light of day made him feel marginalized, reinforcing the fear of rejection he had with regard to his father. He didn't want to be a rent-a-stud. He didn't want to be whiny and pathetic. He didn't want to fall in love.

So if all he and Abigail ever had between them was sex, then why bother continuing?

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