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''Okay, first, you're taking advice on your love life from a man who is separated from his wife and one whose only lasting romance was with a woman on the computer. No offense toward Matt or Clint, but they don't know shit about women." Abigail crossed her arms and used her green eyes as lasers.
Jake twitched but acknowledged silently she had a point.
"And second, did you even ask Eva if she wanted you to step aside? Seems like calling something quits should be something you decide together. It's rather egotistical of you to think you can call the shots on your own.'"
And those words jabbed him in the gut. When he had called her Saturday afternoon, it had taken every ounce of strength to blow her off. He'd been like an automaton, never veering from the words he'd practiced the night before. He didn't want to let her see the emotion, the devastation of realizing he was bad news for her. The idea she had a say-so in the situation had never crossed his mind. He'd been trying to protect her, to do what Clint suggested - something selfless for once in his life.
"And finally, this whole image thing. You know that's bullshit."
"What?"
"The idea that people will put you in a box and define you. You know that was one of the reasons I held myself back from Leif? I cared too much about what other people thought of me, of what they expected. After Cal left me and I pretty much embarrassed the hell out of myself, I became overcautious about how people perceived me. I didn't want to be seen as weak or give anyone cause for criticism. And then came Leif, about the polar opposite of propriety. I hid my love for him because I thought it was wrong. I covered my true nature with a veneer of the perfect mother, daughter, sister-"
"I never thought you were the perfect sister," he cracked.
Abigail flipped him off. "You know what I'm saying. You have assumed this role in this town-the rebel bad boy. No one ever knows what Jake will do, right? You've cultivated this thing, but it's designed to deflect any prying into why you stayed here, why you tread water in life."
"I'm not doing that," Jake said, knowing he was a liar as he said it. His sister saw exactly what he'd hidden all these years. He didn't want anyone to look too closely, to see that he was unhappy being Jake Beauchamp. He didn't want people to see the coward he was.
Abigail took a step toward him. "Jake, you can't play at being someone because it's expected. Because if you do, you're living scared."
Bingo.
"I'm not living scared," he said. “And I've already had this talk with Dad. He said what you've said, and it sounds all rah-rah cheerleadery, but that's not reality. Not everything can be tied up in a pretty bow. I lost my innocence long ago."
“Bah, another load of crap," Abigail said, turning and sinking down beside him on the rail of the trailer.
For a few minutes Abigail didn't speak. They both stared out at the pretty fall day, at the leaves yellowing, the grass giving up, too.
"You weren't ever going to stay here in Magnolia Bend, remember? For that fact, neither was I," she said, her green eyes wistful. "I let Cal take that from me, but you let guilt tie you to this place. Everyone knows that, Jake, especially Clint. That's why it's so easy for him to manipulate you. And so you stayed like a punishment.”
He clenched his hands.
Abigail continued, “Look, you're an important part of this community. You've saved lives. But you've done your penance for the accident. And thing is, you did nothing wrong that night. Anyone would have done what you did. You tried to help a friend, and what happened was beyond anyone's control. There's no blame. Sometimes in life shit happens. But it's beyond time to let that go. It's beyond time to get up from the altar of self-sacrifice you've been draped across for years."
He didn't say anything. Just looked out at the old slave cabin.
"It's okay to want Eva, Jake. You're not taking anything away from the universe that you're not supposed to have. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to sever the cords you tied yourself up with years ago. I know. I did the same thing and now I'm a different person. No, I'm a better person because I let go of the bullshit."
Abigail wrapped an arm around him and gave him a little squeeze. "Now let's haul this to the garage. I gotta pick up Birdie today because Leif’s teaching late."
A half an hour later, Jake drove out of Laurel Woods, Abigail's words gnawing on him. He'd thought he'd done the right thing. Yeah, it hurt. Sort of like cutting off his arm so he might live. But maybe he'd done it for no good reason. Had he allowed himself to be manipulated by Clint, influenced by Matt's own marital struggles?
He didn't know. Probably.
But the question still sat there like a fat bullfrog - could he and Eva really work?
A week ago, he would have given a fist pump and shouted "hell, yeah." But now, after weighing reality against desire, he didn't know. What if something inside him was busted and he couldn't fix it? Or what if he had been overthinking everything?
He needed to talk to Eva. Not some rehearsed blow-off, but a sincere conversation about his doubts and his feelings. Time to let go.
Like that song that song Birdie used to sing over and over at the top of her lungs.
Let it go.
20
EVA HAD NEVER worked with Cooper Platt before and after an evening of listening to him complain about having to watch what she and Dutch liked, complain about the way Dutch ate with his mouth open, and then baby talk to his girlfriend for forty-eight point seven minutes straight on his cell phone, she was certain she might strangle him.
