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Instead, anger grew...and determination.. .and a hurt that would never go away.
19
JAKE WAS DRUNK.
And he'd been drunk pretty much the whole weekend.
Seemed lying to Eva, breaking her heart, and being thought of as a no-good rat-bastard made a man crave bourbon.
And scotch.
And beer.
"You know you're too drunk to mow the yard," Matt said from the rocking chair on the porch of the Beauchamp family camp. Matt came here on the weekends, when his wife came back to Magnolia Bend to visit their boys and stayed at the house they'd bought fifteen years ago. Sometimes she took them to New Orleans and her tiny apartment, but most of the time she spared them the upheaval of the city. They'd been split up for over eight months, and Matt had indicated that though be still loved his wife, he didn't know how to mend what was broken between them.
Which made Jake even more depressed, so he took another swig of beer.
"I'm not too drunk. I've driven that tractor way drunker than this."
"Sure, but the cutting job you did looked like you were hammered. Dad never forgave you for running over that confederate jasmine he'd planted by the boathouse."
Jake gave a bitter laugh.
"So you gonna talk about why you've been the most morose bastard I've encountered in a decade?" Matt asked, sipping his coffee and staring out at the cypress trees draped with lacy Spanish moss. The lake was rough today, and not far from the camp lay the spot where Jake had taken Eva... where he'd said words he had to take back.
He hated himself for that.
''Nah, got nothing to say. Pretty much the way you feel about MJ."
"I'm assuming this is about Eva."
"And I'm assuming you should stay the hell out of my business. You had your say about me and her. I got the message."
For a few minutes the only sound Jake heard was the creak of the rocker on the wooden slats of the porch. A mockingbird flew onto the porch and then immediately took flight again.
"I remember what I said," Matt said with a grunt as he stood, "but also remember the advice came from a man who has no clue about women. Mary Jane was my first love, the first woman I ever slept with. Hell, the only woman I've ever slept with, so my knowledge of the fairer sex is shit. Just consider that."
Matt passed him, snatching the keys to the old John Deere, heading to the metal building that housed all their dad's toys-pirogues, an old Jet Ski, and a multitude of tools.
Jake followed him because he was tired of wallowing in his own misery, tired of thinking about what he shoulda, coulda done. He'd done what Clint suggested. He'd unburdened Eva with the heartbreak that was sure to come from loving him. Everyone was right about him. He didn't have the balls or the gumption to go after love.
Love hurt. And life had shown him as much. John's wife had died, Abigail's husband had cheated, and Matt's wife had left him.
The flipside to love was pain.
So why would he want to saddle himself with that particular emotion? He already had enough self loathing rolling inside him. He'd already broken one man years ago and so the solution was easy - never feel anything more than casual concern. Well, at least for anyone outside his family. He couldn't fake love for his family. That was as real as the sun every morning and the moon every night. But everyone else? Yeah, if he didn't love and commit to people, he couldn't let them down.
Like he had Clint. Like he had Angela. And like he had Eva. He had so wanted Eva to be his. And when she'd said those things about believing in him... believing in them… he'd almost told her about Clint and his accusations. Her pain had broken his heart. And now he'd have to make his way through life missing the most important piece of himself.
"I can do the weed eating," Jake said to Matt, grabbing the goggles and earplugs off the hook.
''No, you need to go sleep this off. I've been where you are. I've been sick over love. Booze ain't gonna cure it. You've had your bender, you've probably examined what you've done- which I'm assuming is deny yourself Eva- and now it's time to rest, shower, and get yourself right so you can face tomorrow. And that's no piece of cake, bro." Matt placed a hand on his shoulder.
Jake nodded, handing the safety tools over to his older brother. Thank God he had someone to talk to, someone who understood. Not like he could go to Abigail or John. They were so stinkin' in love one could barely tolerate being around them.Sonot the people he needed at this moment.
''Thanks, Matt.”
Matt snapped the headphones on his ears and climbed onto the tractor.
