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24
NIKATHY
I didn't like leaving Rhiannon atop that mountain all by herself, but I could hardly stand to spend another moment sitting up there with her arms draped around my shoulders and the weight of her body pressed against mine.
I had to escape before I let myself sink any deeper into the quagmire I had created. I imagined Cosma shaking her head at me with disapproval and remembered that I hadn't even told her where I was going. She was probably worried.
I felt awash in contempt for myself. It wasn't enough to walk away from her. In fact, walking away was possibly the most dishonorable thing I'd done yet. I felt a strong desire for self-destruction, and I knew exactly what I had to do.
I sped up, sometimes sliding on the gravel path and struggling to stay upright as I fought to reach the bottom of the mountain. Down below, the streets were still empty, especially this far outside of town, but I hoped that someone might come along and offer me a ride. Anyone going into Kychek would recognize me, I knew, and it would honor any of them to give me a lift. Unfortunately, nobody came, and I walked, fueled by my desperation and turning in on myself more and more with every aggrieved step. Soon, my muscles were sore from the tension I was holding in my shoulders and the way I was clenching and unclenching my fists, but that was hardly anything compared to what I felt I was owed for my behavior.
Finally, I found a vehicle parked in an empty lot, probably abandoned at the first signs of the coming attack. I hopped inside and started it up with my keycard. Then I was speeding off through the open roads toward the one place I knew I could find relief.
When I reached the hangar and dragged the door open, it filled me with a certain sense of serenity. There, covered in dust and looking rather sorry, was the one thing that had always brought me a sense of belonging: the Deadly Gambit. She was my first ship, the one that had carried me away from Kychek when things with my father had turned sour, and I had always had a soft spot for her in my heart. Even in retirement, I couldn't bear to see her scrapped, so I kept her here, in this private hangar, where I could visit her from time to time when my mind was clouded with too many problems and not enough simple answers. She had never let me down.
I opened the small hatch and climbed up into the cramped and outdated cockpit. To this day, she fit me like a well-worn glove. I could still feel the grooves in the captain's chair where my shoulders had left their mark. I ran my fingers over the faded buttons, where my fingers had first fumbled and then grown confident as I mastered her controls. I let my finger linger for only a moment on the ignition, thinking idly that I really should have told Cosma where I was going, but then I flipped the switch and heard the Deadly Gambit rattle to life with a sputter. Cosma would only try to talk me out of this, and I couldn't have that.
"How do you feel about one last run, old girl?" I asked, smiling to myself as I opened up the throttle and brought her rolling into the fading sunlight.
She responded crankily, not at all like the glistening new ships I enjoyed later in my career, but it was this character that made me love her so much.
I wheeled her around to a short runway and braced myself for what I knew to be a rocky ride. The ship jolted and whined as I called upon the engines to do something they hadn't done in many years. It was a wonder they had started up at all, but I feared I might put too much strain on their aging bones, and they would soon dice me to bits as she came unglued all around me. However, we were airborne moments later, and I laughed as I thought of the old ship acting out of spite, just to bring me to space before breaking down.
I had to fight against her at every moment. Her controls had grown stiff from lack of lubrication, and I felt guilty for ignoring her maintenance for so long. Things had been complicated, I told myself. But eventually, I found a sort of balance, and I was heading straight for the spot where I had last seen a couple of ships dodging about in the light. I wasn't going to be left out of the fight with the Patrol any longer. I meant to let them know Kychek was under my protection, and I would meet them at the doorstep any time they wanted to pick a fight.
From up here, I could hardly spare a thought for Rhiannon at all. As long as I stayed up in the clouds, I could assure myself I wouldn't go seeking her out again. This was for my safety, as well as hers. And so I told myself that she would find her way down the mountain sooner or later, and all I had to do was focus on running the Patrol out of my territory.
Up ahead, I could see what I thought was the Destiny and the Titaness converging on an isolated Patrol ship. I adjusted my heading and went straight for them. I felt stupid for waiting so long to join the battle. This was where I belonged. Not down there in that ridiculous estate with all those plush carpets. I couldn't believe I had ever let myself think otherwise.
