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Emily should be arriving soon, but I can’t manage it. Don’t want to see her. She’s a reminder of everything I don’t want. A reminder of how I let this all get so out of control.
I resent her, and she’s done nothing wrong but agree to this scheme in the first place.
A day later, I had another moment of clarity and called her and asked her to lie. To say she visited, and I bribe her with a trip far, far away from me.
She agrees because she doesn’t care about me. She’s in this for the same reasons I am.
Money.
My parents are paying her handsomely for this sham of a marriage. To make their gay son "straight."
The phone rings and rings, but I ignore it. They keep calling, but my parents can go fuck themselves. They’ve left messages, but I delete them. The only person I want to hear from is Caleb, and he’s yet to reach out. He doesn’t want me, though. Not after what I did.
Pushing myself up, I move to the kitchen and stare at the knives.
Perhaps I should just end it. Put me out of this misery. I move toward them, running my finger over the hilt of one. I unsheathe it and then stare at the sharp point.
Let myself bleed out. Let myselfgo.I can’t stand this suffering.
But then I remember Caleb, how I’ve broken him, but ending it…. he’d never forgive himself. He’d shoulder the blame. It would ruin him. I can’t do that to him. So, I slowly put the knife back.
I can make it another day without doingthat. I can.
I will.
I think.
* * *
It’s been five days since he left, and I can’t breathe. Each hour bleeds into another, each day the same as the one before it. My phone’s died, and I don’t bother to charge it. He hasn’t called or texted anyway. What’s the point of keeping it on when the one person that matters has left me? I have no one else I want to hear from.
I’m going to miss my finals, and I don’t care. Nothing matters. What is the point of life when there's no one in it to love me? No one's ever loved me enough to stay, and the one that did, I drove away with my lies.
A knock on the door has me glancing at it, but I don’t move.
Whoever is there can go fuck themselves.
“Open up, asshole,” Sem grumbles from the other side, and I inhale sharply. Sem reminds me of Caleb, and thinking of Caleb makes me want to rip into my skin and bleed all over the floor. I’ve barely managed to keep it together the past few days. I don’t need this.
Go the fuck away!
“You asked for it,” Sem says roughly, and then I hear scratching, and the front door pops open. Sem steps inside. Seeing him, how similar he is to Caleb, steals the breath from my body.
Sem looks around with a scowl on his face. “Smells like shit in here, man.”
He’s right. It does. Because I’m unwashed and I haven’t cleaned.
And I don’t care.
I could die tomorrow, and I wouldn't even care.
I stare up at him from the couch but remain silent. I have nothing to say. Can’t speak anyways. Too many memories of Caleb filtering through my mind right now.
Sem finally turns his eyes to me. “Wondering why I’m here?”
When I don’t respond, he sighs. “Caleb wanted me to check on you.”
My heart clenches in my chest, and I pant. So much fucking pain. Can’t breathe.
