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CHAPTERSEVENTEEN
The days turn into weeks, and I find myself worried about Whit. My thoughts are consumed by him. But I can’t go back. Can’t see him again, or I’ll do something I’ll regret. Like, let him fuck me. Kissing him was painful enough. I’ve tried to repress that memory of his body against mine, his tongue in my mouth, but it keeps popping up, taunting me. He felt so good in my arms.
But he alsolookedbroken in those moments.So fragile. Those dark eyes watching me. Hopeless. He was like a shell of the man I once loved.
My heart clenches in my chest, and I rub at it.
There have been so many times I’ve almost gone back, turned around, and said, who cares if he’s marrying someone else. The pain I feel is unbearable. I secretly just want one more day with Whit, one more week. I’ll take anything I can get, even though I know he’s not choosing me in the end. But Mal won’t let me go. Neither will Bree.
They’re right.
I deserve better.
So instead of running back to Whit, I force myself to plod along, finishing up my classes and packing my bags to head home for winter break.
I haven’t heard from Whit since that day. I’d told him to charge his phone, but I haven’t reached out to ensure he did as I asked. My aunt keeps me updated, though. She calls and texts daily. She’s worried about him after I told her that he has a history of self-harm. But he doesn’t answer her calls either.
So Sem stalks him.
He reports back and tells me he’s okay. I have to be alright with that, with not really knowing how he’s doing. Has he hurt himself since I last checked? Is he taking care of himself? Is he attending his classes?
God, why does this hurt so much? I’ve never cared about someone like this before.
Christmas approaches, and with it comes memories of my mom. And of Whit. I find myself languid and listless through it all. Smiles are forced. I feign excitement for simple things. Through it all, I feel like the world is tilting sideways. Nothing makes sense anymore.
My aunt watches me warily, and my uncle hugs me more often. Luke has slept in bed with me every night since arriving home, his snores dispelling the emptiness I feel.
I wake up crying. Chasing dreams of Whit. Luke never knows what to do when that happens, so he just awkwardly pats me on the head and falls back asleep.
Whit would hold me. He'd run those fingers through my hair.
I miss him.
On New Year's Eve, I break down.
I drink too much and text him.
Me:Hi
I don’t get a response, which just pushes me over the edge. He’s probably with his fiancé. Planning his wedding. Sem told me where he went for the holidays. Snooped around the apartment and saw the plane tickets. He’s in New York with his family. With his awful parents who don’t know what an amazing man he is. I hate them. If I ever meet them, I will murder them. My cousins will help me bury the bodies. I have it all planned out.
Me:Are you safe?
No response. It’s hours and then days, and my message stays onread.
So, he got the message but chose not to respond. Maybe he’s finally over me. Maybe he’s come to terms with marrying someone else, and I’m just a distant memory.
God, the thought of him with that woman makes me sick. The idea of him forgetting about me almost debilitating.
When the break finally ends, I come back to campus. And despite trying not to, I find myself constantly looking for Whit. But never see him. Magnus confirms that he hasn’t seen him either.
He’s a ghost. Did he only exist in my head? Was this all a fucking dream?
“Are you sure you don’t hate me?” Magnus asks nervously, his neck craning up to meet my gaze.
Shortly after leaving campus, Magnus told me he knew about the engagement. He’d happened upon the information by accident but was sworn to secrecy.
“No. I mean, I was, but I get it. No need for all of us to be miserable,” I say and pat the top of his head.
