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But August’s voice is breaking, and I can’t stand it.
“It’s okay.”
“It’s not okay. None of that is okay.”
“I know, but that’s my life. I’ve managed.”
August grabs onto my head, tilts my chin up and plants a soft, gentle kiss on my lips.
We lie in silence, and my mind races in ten different directions. Thoughts of my mom slip through––the color of her hair, her eyes, the way she’d stare vacantly, like a ghost of a person, like she wasn’t really there. She had been a shitty mom from day one. I’m not sure there was ever a day when she really loved me, or if she knew how to love at all.
And then my mind shifts to my dad, and the way he’d looked at me when we’d first met. He was confused and upset. Rightfully so. He’d never wanted children, but then he was suddenly saddled with me, a sixteen-year-old ward of the state who’d been so abused that I had a whole heap of issues––mental, physical, and behavioral––to sort through.
But he’d still taken me home, the ride silent and awkward. Neither of us had said a word as he’d put sheets on the guest bedroom mattress.
“You can sleep in here for now,” he’d said, and I took that to mean that I’d be gone soon. So, I’d never really put down roots. I lived out of my backpack for years, never really allowing myself to get close to anyone.
But I guess he got used to me being around, because he never asked me to leave. We lived like polite roommates until I graduated and was able to move out.
I squirm on top of August as I try to quiet my thoughts and focus back on the present. I need to savor this time with him. I don’t know how much time we have left.
I feel his hands tighten on me, trying to ground me.
“Sorry, I know I’m fidgety. I’m sure it’s annoying as hell, but I’m just…I need to move. I’ve never tried being this still in my entire life. I’m becoming a statue. You’re going to have to chisel me off of you.”
August huffs a small laugh and then sighs. He looks contemplative.
“What are you thinking?” I ask.
“I wish I’d known you better…you know, before all of this. Things would have made much more sense. I might have treated you better. No, I definitely would have.”
I scoff. “You’ve always been nice to me, August. You’re probably the kindest person I know. If you were ever a little rude, it’s because I deserved it.”
I run a finger across his earlobe and shift on top of him again.
“What is it?” he asks.
“What has Thomas told you about me? I’m sure he’s said something….”
“He hasn’t said nearly enough. He keeps things close to his chest. But I did ask my mom some things….”
I lift my head and stare down at him. “Oh, did you? Like what?”
I squirm some more. “God, tell me, the suspense is killing me. I need another sucker.”
“Em, eating all that sugar can’t be good for you.”
“Oh, I know it, but I’ve figured out the delicate balance. And it’s either candy or hardcore drugs. Lesser evils, and all that.”
August snorts at that and then asks, “Why don’t you have an insulin pump? Doesn’t that help regulate your glucose better?”
“Oh god. Thomas didn’t tell you? Because he bitched fordaysabout that. And by bitched, I mean he gave me the silent treatment, which is so much worse than yelling. I figured he told everyone.”
“He didn’t tell me. But now I’m interested.”
“You really want to know?” I ask with a smirk and a wag of my brow, and August huffs and pulls me in for a filthy kiss. It’s so fucking hot that it short-circuits my brain, and I forget what we’re talking about.
When August pulls away, he asks, “You were going to tell me what happened to the insulin pump.”
