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He repeats these words until I’m just a mess of shattered, wet breaths.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper and August digs his fingers into my back.
“Never apologize for that. Never.”
I glance at him, and he swipes the wetness from my cheek with his thumbs. My eyes flutter shut, and I lean into his palms.
“Want to go home?” he asks.
I nod and he presses a light kiss to the tip of my nose.
“Let’s go.”
We walk slowly back to his car, my eyes on the cement in front of me. I don’t want to look up, just in case she’s lurking somewhere. If I can’t see her, she doesn’t exist.
When we finally make it in the car and I’m buckled in, I lock the doors and turn toward the window, my mind a mess of thoughts
“You don’t have to talk to me,” August says, his hands on the steering wheel as he pulls out onto the street and begins the short drive home. “But if you want to talk, I’m here to listen.”
Of course he is. He’salways there. The rock in my chaotic life.
Even though he doesn’t love me.
I guess you don’t have to love someone to do the right thing. Even when he didn’t like me, he was always there for me. I guess that’s all this is––him just being a kind person.
Jesus, how could anyone expect me not to fall in love with him? I never even stood a chance; I was a goner from the start.
“It’s not like the books you read,” I blurt. “Where the main character stands up to his abuser and then lives happily ever after. You can’t ever get rid of them. Not really. Not unless they’re dead. Lex’s mom OD’d. He’s one of the lucky ones. But, even when they’re buried six feet under, they still have ways of haunting us, showing up in our nightmares.”
I can hear the sad huff of August’s breath and I clench my eyelids shut. “Of course, she couldn’t do me the courtesy. Every time I think I’m starting to make some progress, she reappears and sets me back to zero. I don’t know what she wants and I don’t want to talk to her to find out. I hate her, August. I know it’s not good to feel this way…this hateful. Dr. K says it’s better to let go of the hate, but it’s so hard. She ruined my fucking life.”
I take a shuddering breath and blow it out slowly. Why can’t she just fucking leave me alone? What do I have that she wants? If it’s forgiveness, she won’t get it. Some things are just unforgiveable.
“And even if I could forgive her one day, I don’t ever want her in my life. She lost that right a long time ago.”
August is silent, nodding as he listens, just allowing me to process and vent. I wonder what he thinks about my disaster of a life…but, strangely, I never feel like he’s judging me. I don’t think this guy has a mean bone is his body.
“I’m sorry that you had to see that.” I rub the heels of my palms into my eyes. “God, I’m such a fucking mess.”
He sighs and mutters, “Don’t say that, Em. I’m glad I was there. Fuck, I need you to know that. I never want you to be hurt or sad.”
“Will you find out what she wants, August? Can you do that for me?” I whisper.
He doesn’t even hesitate. “Yeah. I will. I’ll talk to Thomas. I’m sure they’re home by now.”
When we make it back to his house, I jog inside and right to August’s room. My chin is tucked to my chest, avoiding any worried gazes that I’m sure are settled on me right now. I don’t want to talk about it, to rehash it. I’m just going to let August take care of it for me. Like he always does.
When I’m in his room with the door shut, I kick off my clothes and crawl under the covers. His scent surrounds me, calms me, and I just close my eyes and breathe him in.
How am I going to leave him when I need him this much? I don’t think I can. Maybe I can stay just a little longer. I can keep us a secret if that’s what he wants. I’ll take whatever he’s willing to give me. I just need him in my life.
Suddenly, the click of the lock reverberates around the room, and I pull the covers up further, hiding my face from him.
“You awake?” he asks softly, the bed sinking down with his weight.
“Yeah.”
A soft light flicks on and I feel his hand reach out and settle on my arm. The pressure of him grounds me.
