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We had this conversation last night. I wanted to go alone. She'd agreed to let me before going to bed. In the light of day, it seemed, she wanted me to change my mind.
I sucked on the inside of my cheek as I studied her. Blond hair, which had once been the same cornflower yellow as mine, was now thick with streaks of shiny silver. It had thinned over the years, too, though her eyes, a bright hazel, still shown full of vitality.
I got my caramel-colored eyes from my dad, as well as his attitude, according to mom.
"You just want to strong-arm Dr. Jennings into giving you all my stats so you can update your spreadsheet. We talked about this."
Even she treated me like a lab rat in her own loving way.
Mom frowned. "Those stats help me know what foods, medications, and liquids you need. What time do you need them and how much." Shock and dismay settled on her features. "How can you not understand that I'm just trying to help."
And there it was. I loved her for her willingness to do all she could. "I'm an adult, Mom. I can figure that out for myself," I said, even though I wondered if that were true. Sure, I was an adult, but sometimes I didn't feel like one.
Ten years in remission from an aggressive childhood leukemia could wreak havoc on a girl's mindset, life goals, and choices. I wasn't like other women my age. I'd never been on a date or held hands with a guy I liked. Hell, I hadn't ever been kissed. Virginal in every way—except in my mind. Oooh, the things I thought of thanks to my spicy books. All sorts of naughty thoughts and secret desires kept me hot for the real thing. Part of me believed I might be ruined for an actual man, but a girl could hope.
"You know I want to do this on my own," I added, gritting my teeth. I craved more adult responsibility, but mom struggled to let go.
Technically, I worked, but it was for my mom. I did her books, organized her incoming and outgoing monies, billed clients, and paid her employees. But mom didn't pay me, so it wasn't official. Thanks be to the gods above that she'd allowed me to get a license. Otherwise, I'd probably be insane by now.
"I know, Luxheart." Mom perched on the end of the bed, sweeping my bed hair out of my eyes. "It's just, I like to look after you."
I bit my lip, not wanting to hurt her feelings but struggling with the tight chest and racing pulse my desire for freedom created inside me.
"I'll get you a copy of the report, I promise," I offered as a halfway compromise between mom running the show and aggressively grilling the med staff and me leaving her out and hurting her feelings with my baseball bat wallop of independence.
"Will you, though?" She eyed me warily.
Ugh, the guilt. She knew how to lay it on thick. "I said I would."
Her lips were set, and the lines of worry on her face seemed more profound in the morning light. She wasn't leaving until I changed my mind and let her come.
"How about you come with me to make sure I get there safely?" I asked, hoping that would get her out of my room. I still had to get ready.
Her face lit instantly.
"But," I hurried on. "I go into the doctor's office alone. I've got to do things by myself, Mom."
She grabbed my hand, squeezing tight, droplets of unshed water glittering along the lashes around her eyes. "I know you do, honey." She paused. "Just know it will always be my job to make sure you're safe and okay." She lifted one eyebrow as though she waited for me to deny her words.
I couldn't. She has me there, and I wouldn't argue the point. Our parent and child dynamic had started eleven years ago. Dad decided to leave us on a permanent basis. That was bad enough. Two months later, I was diagnosed with leukemia.
The day we found out the truth about my bruises and tiredness, the day the big C arrived in our home, that was when the balance between us tilted on a permanent basis. Mom and me never stood a chance. She would always want to protect me, and that fact would always steal the air from my lungs and make my stomach tighten and clench with swallowed adult pride.
"You can look after me on the way there and the way back, but the doctor's office is mine." I met her glittering eyes. "Deal?" Take it or leave it, lady.
She had to see that would be my best offer. "I guess," she said, sealing our contract with a motherly kiss on my cheek. "Now hurry up. We don't want to get stuck on Fourth. That street is always a bear to get down," she said, knowing she'd won theBattle of Hospital Day.
I grinned, working to keep my face relaxed as she rose and swept out of the room. When she was gone, I pulled the blankets over my head and bit the inside of my cheek.
"Oh, and Luxheart, don't forget to dress in something warm. It's a little chilly today."
Fucking let me live,I seethed.
"Okay," I mumbled aloud.
But that was the proverbial straw that altered my decision. Mom didn't know it yet, but she would not be going to the hospital with me after all.
TWO
