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Why was I inside Eve and Val's house talking to Nico when I'd rather be outside with Ollie? I felt sorry for Nico, I guessed. Which was ridiculous. He filed for divorce. He made me feel unworthy, like a total screw-up who didn't deserve to be with him. Sure, he never said those exact words. But I heard them between the lines.
Our marriage had started out good. I couldn't deny that.
But he trashed it, not me.
Nico sat on a stool at the kitchen island, while I stood on the opposite side of it. I wanted distance between us, to let him know I was not ready and willing to leap into his arms at the first chance.
He fidgeted, scratching his neck. "Look, I know I messed up big time. I had a great girl. I had you, and I threw it all away. It was the worst mistake of my life."
"You wanted a divorce, Nico. I gave it to you."
"Thought that's what I wanted, but I realize now I was just scared."
"Of what?"
He glanced down at his lap, then back up at me. "I love you so much, and I didn't think I deserved a woman as special and incredible as you. Kept thinking you'd leave me. So I, uh, decided leaving you first was the best way to keep from getting hurt later on."
"You said I was stifling you. That my neurotic behavior drove you crazy, and you couldn't stand being with such a screw-up."
"I know. I said that." He rested his arms on the island, keeping his head bowed. "That was my fear talking. Took me a long time to realize it, but I made a huge mistake that I need to fix."
What on earth did he expect me to say to that? Everything he'd said and done during the last six months of our marriage had shown me how little he cared about me. When he'd moved out, I had cried---but I'd been angry too. When he filed for divorce, I cried and languished in a blue mood for a week, but then I'd tried to get on with my life. Now he'd changed his mind. He wanted me back?
Oh come on.
I crossed my arms over my chest. "Why should I believe you?"
He knifed his fingers through his hair, letting out a long breath. Then he walked around the island to me, laying a hand on my shoulder. "I missed you so much, Mara. Not having you in my life for six months---eight including the separation---it made me realize how much I love you. I got scared, acted like a jerk, and fucked up everything."
"What do you expect me to say? You wanted a divorce."
"Because I was terrified you'd leave me for somebody better."
I tried to be angry. I should've been angry. But the look on his face, the tone of his voice, those things stopped me. He seemed so...sincere. Part of me wanted to believe him. The end of my marriage had been my worst screw-up ever, something my mom never let me forget. How could I let a catch like Nico get away, she'd asked over and over and over. I knew she'd been trying, in her own bizarre way, to help me with those comments. She honestly believed I would've been better off with Nico.
He had been a catch. An attractive, charming, successful man who owned his own restaurant. He'd been featured in the biggest restaurant-industry magazines as an up-and-coming entrepreneur and five-star-worthy chef. Of course my mom thought Nico Marshall was the perfect man for me.
"We used to be so good together," he said, rubbing my shoulder. "Don't we owe it to each other to give it another try? Come home with me. Please."
Yeah, Nico could be charming. But he was also the man who'd jabbed tiny pins into me with every sneaky little comment he made about my body, my enthusiasm for sex, the way I ate, and anything else that didn't conform to his standards for appropriate behavior.
"I've changed," he said. "Please, Mara, give me another chance."
My husband wanted my forgiveness. My ex-husband. I had loved him once upon a time, but I'd believed I'd gotten over that. Had I really? Did I still love him, even a little bit? God, I didn't know anymore. The week had been confusing and wonderful, almost like a dream.
This morning, everything had seemed crystal clear. Now I was trying to see through a fog of confusion.
Nico acted sincere.
What about Ollie? I adored him, but we'd met this week. I didn't know him that well, to be honest. I wanted to know him better, but now Nico had to throw this at me. Should I give in to his contrition and give him another chance? Should I tell him to buzz off and run back out there to find Ollie? All my old fears and anxieties came flooding back while I studied Nico's face. Maybe he would be different this time. Maybe Ollie would get sick of my neuroses and my hang-ups, and he'd leave me too. Maybe Nico was the best I deserved.
Dammit, that was Nico talking, getting inside my head.
And still...those doubts kept niggling at me.
"I don't know," I told Nico. "Give me some time to think."
"Sure. Take all the time you need."
