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“I didn’t know what to do. I texted you, but I didn’t know if you were in surgery or if you would be able to leave. I had to do something. I needed you here. Then we sort of began to talk. She told me about it, the compulsion inside of her to get the pain out, to give it life. I’d heard similar things before, a long time ago when I used to spend time at this club downtown. There was this girl, Ashley. She, uh…she used to tell me there was this need inside of her to feel pain before she could move past her shit. Like she had to let it out or it would only grow bigger and bigger until she could think of nothing else. She was a masochist.”
“Liberty is not a masochist. What she has is totally different.”
“Agreed. Different. As in separate. Look, I may not understand the OCD thing, but I get masochism. They’re two different things, apart from each other.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Don’t I? Come on Mason, think back to a few months ago when I first showed up. We had a brief conversation in your study about how she needs an outlet. You may not like what you walked in on, but don’t act like you haven’t considered it. You know me. I didn’t want to show her that side of me. Believe me. I love her, but in that moment, when she was breaking in my arms, so frightened of a force she couldn’t see, she needed it. It was either that or wait it out and watch her suffer through the emotional cycle while she agonized internally and slowly suffered a sort of withdrawal in order to come to terms with the pain. Sometimes we need to be restrained in order to unknot what’s inside, have our choices taken away. I did that for her. For her, Mason. It wasn’t about me. I gave her the outlet she needed and I witnessed the moment she broke free of what was inside of her. It was totally fucking beautiful seeing her liberated from the claws of control that held her hostage. I didn’t really get it before, when you said she’s aware she has it when sometimes others are not—”
“Ego dystonic.”
“Whatever,” Sean quickly continued. “I never really understood what you meant, but now I do. She hates it. Really hates it. She has such a strong will. I assumed she didn’t mind. I mean it isn’t like she complains about it. But today I saw what’s inside of her grab hold of her, saw her face it and know she lacked the strength to fight it, saw her fear she would somehow disappoint you and her shame because that made her feel weak, and there was no perfect way for her to get it out.” He shook his head. “I hated seeing her like that, so helpless, despising what was inside of her enough to actually mutilate herself as an attempt to get it out.”
They stood silently for a moment. Sean caught his breath after his long explanation then quietly said, “I’m sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t have done it, but it was all I could think of and I know it worked for her. I felt it. She was free for those minutes we were in there. She went to that place where there is nothing but peace and I’d be willing to bet she’s never felt anything like that before, finally at rest, her demons purged. All her inhibitions just washed away. She didn’t have to be perfect. She just had to be.”
“I made a mistake,” Mason admitted and Sean tensed.
Looking down, he whispered. “I’ll leave. This is your marriage. Regardless, I want you to know I would never hurt her, I mean really hurt her. Those marks will be gone in a couple of hours and the only scar she’ll carry from this entire fiasco is the one she gave herself.”
He shook his head. “Don’t be an idiot, Sean. I meant I made a mistake when I thought you hurt her. I should have known better. I completely mistook the situation and it caught me so off guard I freaked. I’m sorry. Please don’t leave.”
Sean looked at him as he seemed to consider his words. “Is she upset?”
“Not with you,” Mason said, thinking he would soon be making another long apology.
“You should go talk to her.”
Mason sighed. “I’d like it if you talked to her first. She won’t listen to me until she knows for sure that you aren’t going anywhere.”
Sean shifted his belongings in his hands then dropped them out of the way. “What do you say we go together?”
“All right.”
Sean reached out his hand and he took it, but when he began to walk in Liberty’s direction Mason dug in his feet. Sean turned and Mason stepped up to him. He ran a finger over the nasty bruise circling his eye. “I’m sorry for this.”
