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Chapter Fifteen - Lillian
Waking up on Christmas alone is only disappointing because there was a small part of my brain that was sure I’d have other plans than eating crumpets soaked in butter on the sofa while dodging calls from distant family and overly merry friends.
Although the more I begin to think about it, the more I realize I was in a lose-lose situation. How was I ever going to receive a happy ending out of this? He’s my best friend’s father. How many stories do I know of where friends have met the parents of their friends and wound up with them? I can’t think of a single one. I can’t think of a single happy ending where the heroine ends up with a man over forty. I was misled by the romantic things he did and said and dirty things we did from the day we met. It’s only been a matter of weeks, but I mourn what I thought I could see happening.
Should I have walked out yesterday? What if I had stayed? The things he was saying weren't him; I know they weren't. I couldn’t stay and encourage them. He shouldn’t drop everything and just not return for Christmas. Chuck’s just hurting, and I know he will come around and speak to me when he is ready. I don’t know when that is going to be, but I hope it’s sooner rather than later because leaving Charles in that apartment made me realize how much time I normally spend with Chuck and how much I’ve been avoiding him lately for Charles, and I miss him.
I only hope that leaving had the desired effect and made him be there for Chuck. Chuck needs his dad around. Thinking about it should freak me out. Now that I’m away from it, surely I should begin to realize how crazy it was to be sleeping with Chuck’s father,but it felt natural. Everything with Charles felt disgustedly natural.
It hasn’t been long since I walked out of the apartment, but I miss him and I’ve lost count of how many times I have picked up the phone to text him. But he hasn’t texted me and I can’t be the first person to do it. He’s not going to text me; it wouldn’t be his style. He doesn’t like texting. The only time we have really texted was when he was trying to reach me after the second time we met. I suppose that’s where all the trouble started.
When I can’t possibly eat another crumpet, I drag myself to the bedroom to get dressed and wander out the door for fresh air. Maybe that will make me tired and I can just come home and sleep the rest of the day away. At least things will be open tomorrow so I’ll be able to distract myself with other things.
I can almost hear the happiness pouring out under every door as I walk past them on my way out the building. Maybe this wasn’t my brightest idea. I walk around the corner to see if Sylvia has the coffee shop open, but it’s empty, dark, and locked up.
My feet start dragging me farther down the street until I realize that there really isn’t anything open today. The streets are quiet except for passing traffic on their way to see friends or family with the intention of having fun.
As I get closer to Fitzgerald's Place, I watch a cab pull up beside the curb. Where could I ask that cab to take me? Is there anywhere I want to go? But before I can answer that question, two very familiar forms jump out. My feet fumble to do what I tell them to as I fall into an alcove of a nearby ancient CD shop. I hide behind the bricks, suddenly overwhelmed with emotions and not sure how to pick them apart. I should feel relieved; giving it all up and leaving did work. He came back for Christmas and they must have worked it out to be coming back to his dad’s apartment together, although it seems a little early to be ending Christmas festivities. It's only one thirty in the afternoon. I can’t help, though, being Chuck's best friend and Charles' recent lover, feeling left out.
I know I’ll get back to the way things were with Chuck but it’s doubtful it will go back to the way things were with Charles. Maybe with good reason. I wait until I’m sure they are gone before continuing to walk back to my apartment. I’m so glad I do not have to go past his to get to mine.
The whirlwind of emotions as my feet make a beeline for my apartment bring comfort in a strange way. It’s so exhausting arguing myself when there’s nothing to be upset about. I figure I could quite easily go inside and collapse on the bed and sleep.
I reach into my pocket to retrieve my key at the same time that I realize my door is open ajar. My first instinct is that someone has broken into my apartment until I remember that I gave my spare key to Chuck.
“She’s not here. She must have gone to someone’s for Christmas dinner. I told you, we should have texted her.” Chuck's voice gets louder, warning me that he’s approaching the front door. I don’t have time to dive away and hide. Besides, there’s nowhere to hide in this hallway. What are they doing in my apartment? Who do they think they are just walking in there?
“What are you doing?” I don’t know if it’s the door or my voice that knocks Chuck back as I come through the door. We stare at each other in shock. “What are you doing in my apartment?” My first thought is that he’s still angry at me. Maybe he came to take his anger out on my stuff? No, that’s a silly thought; he wouldn’t do something like that.
“We’re looking for you.” He matches my tone but the relief pours off him. ”Where were you? We nearly banged the door down thinking something had happened to you inside.”
“I went for a walk.” Unable to avoid looking at him any longer, I glance over at Charles but find I’m unable to look away. Meeting his gaze brings back all the emotions I’d been avoiding as I try to act as though I haven’t missed him. “What are you doing here?”
“I came to apologize.” Chuck seems to forget his dad is standing there as he steps forward and takes my hands, not even giving me the chance to take my coat off. “I’m so sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean any of it. I was so fucking stupid. Please forgive me, Lil.”
“Of course. Don’t be silly. I just want to forget it.” He pulls me in for a hug but doesn’t linger. “I’ve missed you!” But his actions contradict his words as he backs away and makes a start toward the door. “I’ll leave you two alone, but I’ll call you later, Lil! I want to see you tonight!” What?
“Charles?”
He walks over and gestures down the hall toward the living room. “Can we sit?” This is weird. I haven’t heard a word from him since I left him in his apartment. I almost convinced myself he would be angry, again.
I shrug my coat off and discard it on an armchair as I pass it to sit on the sofa. Charles waits for me to sit before sitting down beside me.
“Are you okay?” His question seems hard to answer. I can’t really say that I’ve been miserable. We had barely started dating before it ended. Yet, we seemed to just fall into a relationship that fit right. He felt right to be around in every single way.
“Yes. You?” Short and sweet.
“No.” He turns to me, shifting closer so he can put a hand on my knee. “I’m not okay. I haven’t stopped thinking about you since the moment I met you. I thought it was bad thinking that I’d never see you again the first time, but this time was ten times worse knowing you and Chuck would probably fix things and I’d have to see you through him. I’d have to hear about you, knowing you are so close yet completely unreachable if you decided you didn’t want to see me again.” He stares down at his hand touching me. “I have to ask you if you feel the same. I have to know, could you love me?”
He finally looks me in the eye fully and I feel myself falling into his gaze. How does he know what to say? As the tension between us from not seeing one another fades, it’s replaced with the same anticipation I’d felt every time I was around him since the moment we met. There’s no denying my feelings toward him. Walking away from him could be walking away from the biggest and best shot of love I’ve yet to know.
“I really want to find that out.” I can’t go putting all my cards on the table. Besides, Lord knows how cocky this man will be if I tell him this has to be the closest I’ve ever felt to love.
