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I load the dishwasher with the dinner dishes as I sipped red wine out of a bowl-shaped wineglass. I think it felt easier when I thought he was a complete jackass. Now that there is a glimpse of hope that he is innocent, I can’t help feeling confused.
“I’m ready!” Her voice sings out with excitement from in her room. I’ve got Lila; she's all I really need.
Every Christmas Day is the same really. We get up, open presents, eat breakfast, slob around until I start making Christmas dinner, eat too much, leave the mess in the kitchen, eat more junk for dessert, play games on the living room floor, and then finish the day with a movie. It’s the same every year, but every year scares me a little more at how quickly it comes about. Maybe I dread it so much because every Christmas symbolizes the end of a year with Lila growing older and needing me a little less every year.
I hold up my phone, camera app open on the screen to take a picture of her in front of the Christmas tree. “Smile for me, baby.”
She grins, the shit-eating grin that only comes from being surrounded by lots of prettily wrapped presents just for her. “Hurry up!”
A few snaps later, we’re sitting on the floor. Coffee in my hand, she has presents in hers as she meticulously unwraps them. She’s not like other kids who leave the wrapping paper everywhere. She’s grown up watching me clean it up and suddenly last year she decided to get the trash bag out from under the sink and bin her own wrapping paper and she’s done the same this year. It’s the little things she does that amaze me and make me realize that I can’t be doing that bad on my own.
She pulls the paper off a doll; it’s from the newest selection of Barbies and she fell in love with one of them because she decided it looked like Deja. When she said that to me, I ordered it straightaway and it’s been tucked in the cupboard, waiting for Christmas.
“She’s so pretty! I can’t wait—”
The doorbell rings, confusing me, but it makes Lila’s eyes light up. My gaze goes to the oversized clock on the wall. Who on earth is going to be turning up at my apartment at six thirty in the morning on Christmas Day?
“He came!” Before I can halt her, Lila leaps to her feet and races to the door. I’m not far behind her and slam a hand on the door before she can unlock it.
“Wait!” She jumps back, suddenly startled and worried at my concern.
“You can’t just open the door when I haven’t checked who it is! It could be someone bad!” The fear of her opening the door and something bad happening to her is too much to think about.
“I know who it is! He said he would come at six thirty!” She points up at the peephole, waiting for me to check.
She can’t possibly mean…
I find myself holding my breath as I lean toward the glass of the peephole. What if it is… My breath catches at the sight of him standing outside the door waiting. He looks nervous, rocking back and forth on his heels with his hands in his pockets. He still came? Surely ignoring him for two weeks negates the invitation? What the hell am I meant to do? Let him in?
“It’s…”
“See!” She moves past me and opens the door, taking the decision away from me as she jumps with excitement from seeing him. “You came!”
“Hey, Lil Lila. I promised you I would. I’m not sure how long I can stay but I wanted to bring you the presents.” He smiles at her before turning to me tentatively. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to break my promise.” His voice is gentle and subtle to not take away Lila’s attention from the two huge bags of presents at his feet. She helps herself by grabbing the top of both sacks and dragging them in. Matching straight past me and pulling them into the living room with the rest of the presents. She wants him to stay. How can I say no to her? Christmas Day is about her feelings, not mine.
Of all the things I want to say, I can’t find the words to say any of them. Instead, I cop out. “Do you want coffee?” Mine is cold and needs refreshing anyway so might as well…
“Please.” His gaze is hopeful, prodding at me to know what I’m thinking. “Are you okay with me being here?”
“I didn’t expect you to come. I thought ignoring you for two weeks would cancel the invitation.” He has balls for turning up here; I’ll give him that. If he ruins our Christmas Day, I’ll have them for Christmas tree decorations though.
“It’s not your invitation I was worried about.” His eyes go past to where Lila is sitting playing with the toys she has already unwrapped. She’s waiting for us.
Is this a ploy? Is he using her to get back with me? Does he think this will win me back over?
“Okay, well, let’s just unwrap presents, and then you can take your leave.” I don’t want to disappoint Lila.
I pour us each a cup of coffee, trying to ignore him watching me as I do and lead the way to the living room to get this over with.
I can feel the electricity between us. Chemistry doesn’t mean security. Just because it feels good doesn’t mean that it’s a happy ever after. I’ve learned that, yet I still find myself sneaking looks at him. God, I’ve missed him.
I’ve missed those arms and the way they look when he wears tight t-shirts like today. I’ve missed the way he passes his fingers through his hair as he’s talking to Lila and the way his voice softens as he does. The feelings I have for him scare me because I think I could so easily be swayed to forgiveness if he tried. If he did that, how would I know it’s the right choice?
“Can we open more?” Lila looks to me for permission, grinning goofily when I nod a yes.
She sorts out presents, handing them out to me and her from Noah’s gift bags before running to the tree to retrieve one that surprises me by having Noah’s name written on the tag. He looks just as surprised as me as he takes it from her, cradling it in his hands as he watches her begin opening hers.
As he watches her, I find myself really watching him. He genuinely cares for her; I can’t deny that, and I can see it in the gifts he’s bought her that I didn’t have to assist him in getting. He got all of these by himself and every single one she loves because he has taken the time to get to know her. He’s paid attention to every single detail and listened and remembered it.
