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We walk into the Zen, white lobby, and I make a big show of filling up my water bottle with cucumber water from the jug on the farthest side of the room from the white marble front desk. This way, Anna, Jamie, and Oscar can check in and leave the lobby before I have to ask for an appointment.
Ethereal music plays in the background, and a water feature trickles down the wall beside me. Jasmine is heavy in the air. It’s almost peaceful until I turn and see six robed women staring at me from their seats in the waiting area. I swallow as their collective eyeballs pin me to the wall and peel off my tank-top and board shorts. This is why I’ve never gone to a spa.
Anna, Jamie, and Oscar are already retreating down a hall off to the right. I scuttle to the front desk.
“Do you have any appointments today?” I say in a whisper.
“What services are you looking for, sir?” The receptionist is way too perky. I glance down the hall, but Anna and crew have disappeared.
“Anything. I don’t care. I feel like a spa-day suddenly, you know?”
“Let me see what I can do.” She clicks around on her computer for a minute. “The only things we have left are a full body wax at eleven, or a weight-management enema at one. Would either of those interest you?”
Holy fuck, no.
“Um…” I pick up the list of spa services and stare at the descriptions. I don’t want to wax any part of my body, let alone the whole thing, but it’s that or a vacuum cleaner up the butt. “I guess I’ll take the wax.”
“You don’t want an enema, Sonny?” It takes me a moment to locate the source of the raspy voice. It’s coming from a tiny old woman who barely makes it above my waist. She has short gray hair and make-up rather haphazardly covering her face. In her hand, she’s got the strangest cane, which looks suspiciously like it has a penis on the end. “An enema does the body good, I always say.” She grins wickedly, and I feel a quick squeeze on my ass. I jump and stare at her, but she looks innocently back at me as if nothing happened.
“Please fill this out, sir.” The receptionist hands me a paper with a bunch of medical questions on it, and dread fills my belly. I squeeze into a lobby chair between two very cozy couples who seem safe. From here, I sign away my rights while still watching the old lady out of the corner of my eye. She continues to stare, looking pleased as punch.
I’m about to make my way back to the desk when Anna appears again. “Jamie and Oscar wanted me to tell you we’re going into the soaking room.”
“Cool, thanks.” I sidle back up to the front desk, keeping Anna between me and the old lady.
“Oh hi, Gertrude,” Anna says to the woman. Of course, they somehow know each other. “How’s Woody the Woodpecker today?”
“He’s feeling lonely,” Gertrude says. “Give him a kiss?” She holds up her cane. Anna’s eyes dart my way before she leans down and gingerly kisses the top of the old woman’s phallic cane. My stomach drops as her rosy lips press against the wood. The cane has carvings that might be bird eyes and a beak on the side, but even Anna knows what’s up. When she straightens, her face is so bright it almost matches the hot-pink scrunchie that gathers her hair into a big messy bun on top of her head.
“Why are you so flushed, Anna?” I tilt my head with a smirk. “Aren’t you used to going around kissing people’s woodpeckers?”
“And here I was starting to think you could be nice.” Anna draws herself up to her full height, pivots on her good heel, and limps down the hallway with a shocking amount of dignity. I rush to sign the final documents reception wants from me. Right as I’m about to hurry after Anna, I feel another gentle squeeze on my rear.
“I think you seem nice.” Gertrude smiles up at me with a mouth made crooked by her misapplied lipstick. I turn and rush away.
* * *
ZOEY
The hot-tank is wonderful, so close to scalding you have to breathe through the heat to get in, but once you’re in, my god, it untwists every knot in your body. Given the small size of the tub, I can even keep my ankle elevated and out of the hot water with ease. The only negative? The obnoxious man crowding the tiny tub with me.
Why has Jamie become so determined to set me up with Sebastian? Why do he and Oscar think it’s hilarious that Sebastian drives me nuts? He’s been nothing but rude. He’s here for a hookup, and I’m not. Jamie knows that. So why does he have to keep shoving the asshole at me like this? I glower at Sebastian. He glowers right back.
“Do you think those two are up to something?” I point over to where Oscar and Jamie sit in the luke-warm tub, cooling down before taking a polar plunge.
“They seem super into each other,” Sebastian says, watching them giggle side by side. Oscar smooths wet hair off Jamie’s face and tucks it behind his ear. My heart aches at the gesture; how easy it seems for these two to connect. I find Sebastian’s green eyes on my face. “Does it bother you?”
“Why would it bother me?” I say.
“You look—" He breaks off. “For a second there, I thought I saw a hint of jealousy.”
“Of course not. It’s nice they found each other.”
“So you weren’t expecting Jamie to be with you the whole time you were on board?” My breath hitches. It’s almost as if he read my mind. But I’m not about to admit that it sucks that my cruise BFF is busy now, and I’m spending so much more time alone than I’d planned.
“Jamie can do whatever he wants,” I say, shrugging.
“Have you always been so open?”
