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I put my hand up. “I know you are, Holly, but can you just let it go? I don’t want to know anything else about her. Just stop talking about her. I wish her the best, now let’s move on.”
Holly sighed. “Fine, I’ll let it go, but for the record, she would have been perfect for you.”
I glared at her. She got up and went into the kitchen to get a beer for herself. When she returned, she asked, “What’s the score?”
Chapter Eighteen
Ali
The decision weighed heavily on my mind day and night on Saturday. Even amid Saturday night rush hour in the kitchen, my mind continually wrestled with the decision.
There was this massive piece of me that wanted to pick dancer one, just because I knew it would be stimulating and undoubtedly fun. However, the practical side of me said to choose dancer two. He didn’t make my heart flutter when he looked into my eyes, but he had a beautiful smile that I did not doubt reached right into his heart.
On Saturday afternoon, Charlie and I had gone to Holly’s office, and we’d gotten to see all four dances. This was the first time that I had seen myself in action, and after watching them, I was more torn than I had been before—at least for a little while.
Dancing with the second guy had been easy, and we looked striking as a couple. He was big; I was tiny. He was light, and I was dark. He moved with purpose, and I traveled with a grace that I would never have thought myself capable of.
The dances with the first man were incredible to watch. He brought something out in me, something that almost scared me. He wasn’t much bigger than me, and yet he had lifted and held me with more strength than the other man. When our bodies came together, our hair blended, and our torsos fit against one another’s so entirely. It was as if we were made for one another.
That thought scared me. Not because I thought we fit so perfectly together, but because I saw something different in myself as I watched the two of us dance. I saw a fierceness, a willingness to throw caution to the wind, and that was not who I was.
I was structure.
I was careful.
I was a woman who thought before she did anything and made sure she weighed every risk before doing it.
I would never admit this to anyone—but I wanted to be the other woman—she scared and excited me—almost as much as he did.
As I watched the romantic dance with my first partner, my heart clenched in my chest. Charlie was right; he did seem lost as I walked away. Would I be lost without him if I chose him, and then it did not work?
That specific thought is how I based my decision. I could not afford to be lost. I could not afford to take that kind of chance right now. My life was too busy, and while I was right where I wanted to be, I still had plans. One day I would own my own restaurant. Dancer one could pull me from my dreams, and I couldn’t afford for that to happen.
I didn’t tell Charlie what I had decided. I let her go on and on about the two men. Holly was quiet as we left her office. It looked as if she wanted to say something, but knew she shouldn’t.
On Sunday, Holly showed up at my door with two camera crews. I handed her my envelope. “For dancer one.”
Holly seemed shocked. “Are you sure, Ali?”
“I need safe, not sexy. I’m sure.”
A sadness came over her eyes, but she blinked it away quickly. “Okay then. Let’s go meet dancer number two.”
She handed the envelope off to one of the crew members, shaking her head slightly. I watched the van pull away from the curb as I got into my car to follow Holly to the location I would meet my date.
Holly and a smaller third crew were with me around the corner from the small outdoor café. I was nervous but excited. I tried not to think about what the other man would be going through.
I turned to Holly abruptly. “What was his name?” She raised a brow as if confused. “Dancer one. What was his name?”
She smiled sadly. “His name is Harvey; they call him Harv.”
“Harvey,” I nodded. I hadn’t pictured that name for him, but I liked it. It was a strong, masculine name. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” She spoke with a few people, and then turned to me. “Okay, you ready? He’s waiting for you.”
I blew out a burst of air and rolled my shoulders. “Yeah, I’m ready.”
Tarin came on camera with me and asked me a few questions about being nervous and how hard the decision was. When I thought back on the process, it wasn’t all that hard. The hardest part was reminding myself that I wanted safe, not the unknown.
