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His hand reached for mine and I had to force it to stay there so people didn’t see me snatch it from him. He gave it a light squeeze before slowly sliding it away – keeping up the ruse while also realising I didn’t want him touching me. He got a point for that. Maybe half a point.
“Harlow–”
“Look,” I interrupted. “I know this wasn’t just about you being unable to keep it in your pants. This is about the fact that we didn’t love each other right.”
“Harlow, I do love you…” he disagreed.
I sighed resignedly. “And I love you…”
“But just not like that,” he finished for both of us.
I nodded. “No.”
He looked down and took a breath. “I confused the love I feel for you with teenage lust and the knowledge we’re expected to marry. I love you, so much, but it’s platonic. No. More like familial. What I felt for your body and for you as a person…they weren’t…”
“Connected,” I finished for him this time, and he nodded.
“Exactly.”
“Like they were separate things. We were friends with benefits – amazing benefits, true – but then also just really good friends.”
He nodded. “I confused the two and that meant I wasn’t… I didn’t treat you the way you deserved.”
I sighed. “I didn’t either.”
He shook his head. “I made promises andIbroke them, Harlow.”
Now I did reach for his hand, and he wrapped it up tightly. “And I wasn’t what you needed.”
“That’s not on you.”
I shook my head. “No, it’s not on either of us. But I’m still sorry for it.”
He nodded. “Me, too.”
“I still haven’t forgiven you,” I warned him.
“I deserve that.” He paused. “What about Valk?”
I pulled my hand from his, heedless of any watching eyes. “No. I’m not talking about him.”
He leant further towards me. “Harlow,” he said softly. “He only broke your heart so you’d choose me. He was doing his duty. The one thing that has been beaten – for Valk, quite literally – into us since birth–”
“Stop, Apollo!” I snapped quietly. “I don’t want to hear it. Okay? I get that our world sucks. But once, just once, I’d like to be worth breaking the rules for. You know? It’s a silly and futile wish, but everyone wants to be worth breaking the rules for just once in their lives.” I wiped away a tear trying to steal down my cheek and cleared my throat. “Now, I will talk to you about anything but him.”
Apollo paused for so long, I thought he was going to keep pushing me. But when he spoke, he didn’t mention Valen again. “Okay. Where dowego from here?”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
He shrugged. “Well, the breakup. People will start to guess eventually. Our society, the school, our families.”
I shook my head. “No. No one can know until we know if our father’s will break the contract. We can’t risk it, Apollo.”
He nodded. “All right. So, we just keep on going, then?”
“Yes. We don’t have a choice. We’re back to the way things were a year ago. It’s all pretend.”
“And you hate me?”
