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We just stood there, under the door frame, looking at one another, both wanting to speak, both unable to find the first words.
Until Joe showed up and took over. “How aboutIbe the mediator this time and force you two adults to talk. No chit-chat. Just real talk.”
And he pushed Sam and me into the room, shuting the door behind us, forcing us to face our animosity.
* * *
Chapter Twenty-Seven
“Aren’t the girls waiting for you?” I broke the silence.
“It’s okay. I was going to be very early anyhow. You know me.”
So far, since that new year’s midnight goodbye, Sam had been evading every word from me unless it was business related. Now we were confined in a room alone and business talk was already over.
“So,” I attempted. “Do you want to… talk?”
If he didn’t want to talk, as much as it would hurt me, I’d let him go. This was my final shot at redemption.
But to my surprise, Sam nodded his answer. He hung his jacket neatly on the back of a nearby chair.
Mimicking his actions, I laid down my own non-lethal weapons. I set down my new coffee mug and my laptop bag. Our hands were now both free to deal with the thick air suffocating us.
We stared at each other. Waiting for the other to talk first.
“I took one off your bucket list.” I gave in and began first. “I booked a flight to Scotland. Thought I’d defy my fear of flying and be adventurous for a week exploring the highlands and visiting a few castles. Should do it now before getting busy with being back at work, right?”
He nodded quickly, but his true reply was the curiosity laid in his eyes. “Going alone?”
“I am.”
“Good. Good for you.” He cleared his throat, removing any hint of emotion from his face. And just like that he was back to being a stoic statue with the deepest frown.
I could have attempted to pick up the conversation again. But I wantedhimto make the next move. I wanted him to talk.
So I waited. I peered behind Sam. Through the glass, I could see a dozen of my former colleagues, Joe included, all gathered at the closest cubicles to watch my exchange with their boss with much interest.
When I looked back at Sam, his face had changed once again. He had removed his dark mask. He was allowing his heartache to show. Not just in his broken gaze. His eye contact was minimal. His shoulders were slightly hunched. His chest was rising and falling with his shallow breathing.
“I… I’m trying to stay away from you,” Sam spoke lowly while fidgeting with his fingers. “in case you’re noticing me kind of ditching away from you all the time. I’m sure you’ve noticed. It’s just that I’ve been trying to move on. I need to get my life back on track. Since I got out of the hospital after my accident, I’ve been neglecting my company and I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to risk the only thing that’s been keeping me sane for all these years.”
“I understand.”
“No, you don’t.”
“It’s the core of your world.”
“See, you don’t understand. It’s not my core anymore. It’s been a while since it wasn’t.”
Sam stepped away from me, paced around for a few seconds with his head bowed down and his hands going in and out of his pants’ pockets nervously.
“Damn it, I’m acting like a coward. Like a teenage boy who doesn’t have the balls to talk to a woman. I’m sorry. I just… don’t know how to act around you anymore. Isn’t that silly?” Sam chuckled, well, like a shy teenager.
I stepped toward him, cutting into the path he was pacing in. “I’m sorry too. I’m sorry I said goodbye. Guess I’ve been a coward too. Truth is you scared me again. Same as you had scared me in your office before I ran away without telling you. No, not scared. This time, when you told me how you felt about me in that hospital room, I was terrified. I was so used to thinking of us as just two people having an affair that I didn’t see past that. I’ve been blinded by everything. Blinded by our lust, blinded my worry for my career and what everyone else would think about us. I was blinded enough to not even realize that I was falling for you.”
“All I’ve told you was the truth. I did want us to be anus. Guess I was blinded too. Blinded by my desires enough to do the most reckless thing in my life. I literally chased you and it destroyed my life, my shoulder, my ribs and my car. But I don’t regret any of it because I really did love you.”
“But now you don’t feel the same.” My face fell at once.
