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“New boss?”
It was my turn to be too bold. And it was like I had shot him point-blank straight through his heart.
“Lucille, we can get past this. We can work this out.”
“How? Do you think a bigger paycheck can make me forget that my boss might not have hired me for my abilities? My job here is a lie. I could’ve had no skills whatsoever and you would’ve still hired me as long as you stole me from Joe. Do you have any idea how lowly that makes me feel? I pride myself on my work, Sam. You know that. How could you possibly believe that I would be okay with what you’ve done?”
Sam made to reach for me, then he thought better and held himself back. “I hired you because your portfolio is extraordinary.Youare extraordinary. You were the perfect candidate for the job and Joe had literally handed you to me. What was I supposed to do? Let the bird fly from my hand? Of course, I’d hire you right away before he changed his mind and kept you for himself. Nobody wants his rival to be better than him. In no way was my decision meant to hurt you. And I say that with real honesty. You don’t have to leave, Lucille. Stay.”
“Our professional relationship is tainted with our private one now. I don’t feel comfortable working with you anymore.”
“So you’re leaving because of me.” Sam said it as more of a statement than a question. And he wasn’t entirely wrong.
“Another reason would be that I don’t want to be a wedge between you and Joe. You two need to work together professionally without me interfering with it all.”
“Oh, don’t bring Joe into this. He has nothing to do withus.”
No. No, he didn’t.
Sam took a step forward to reach me. This time, he didn’t hold back from setting his hands on my shoulders. His thumbs caressed me there gently. “I scared you, didn’t I? When I asked you to take our affair public, I scared you away.”
“Maybe.” A loud sigh escaped from my mouth. “I mean, yes, a lot. Of course you scared me. I have no idea whatthateven means for you. We never agreed on what to label us, now suddenly, you want to go public. What then? What would we call us then? Boyfriend-girlfriend? And before you say it, no we wouldn’t have given it a go and see how it goes. I know you don’t want that.” I removed his hands away from me.
“How could you know?”
“Proud member of the bachelors for life club, remember? Clearly, that big question sprung to your head at the spur of the moment.”
Sam ran a hand through his hair. Took a deep breath. “Lucille, I come up with solutions a dozen times a day. It’s my job. It’s one decision after the other. My mind never sleeps. And not just at work. Everything else too. I’m spending days and nights dreaming of the day my daughters come home. I’m thinking about whether they should come live with me or if I should rent a place just for them. I’m thinking about which schools are the best for them. Two extremely different schools because one studies medicine, the other studies Mozart. I’m thinking of everything and constantly wondering if I’m missing anything. I’m crazy worrying that I forgot how to be an actual dad to them, or even worse, I’m scared that I can’t be a dad to two eighteen-year-old women. All this fucking thinking and I’m still not even sure if they’re coming here at all. But I want to be prepared. I want it to happen so bad that I can’t think of much else. That is why I asked you to make this public so I can solve one problem and just focus on getting them here with me.”
Sam was almost hyperventilating, possibly due to his raging nerves and the onset of stress from all that responsibility.
With every word he spoke, I was reassured of having made the right decision. I was right. Sam wasn’t available for anything more than the little we had. He had his girls to focus on. His plate was already full. There wasn’t any need for me to garnish it. Except one thing he said still echoed in my ear.
“I am a problem for you?” I repeated his own words.
“No. No, fuck, that came out entirely wrong.”
“It came out perfectly right. Like I said, you don’t really wantus. You just want the sex. And that’s okay. In a way, it was the same for me too. The only difference between the two of us is that you wouldn’t get out of this scathed in any scenario. Public or not, you’re the boss. You’re Samuel Webb. An affair like this couldn’t possibly harm you.”
“Exactly, yes, that’s what I meant to say. Don’t you think that’s why I suggested being public? So that nobody talks shit about us, no, about you. Just about you. I don’t give a fuck what anyone gossips about me.”
“It wouldn’t have made a difference to let the world know. The risk of denting my career is just the same. From my perspective, it’s a fool’s decision to risk what I’ve worked so hard for just to enjoy a few weeks of frivolous frolicking. All I know for sure is that I can’t think of my happiness leading with my heart alone. You once told me it’s never wise to lead a decision with the heart.”
“Did I?”
“When you told me about your marriage.”
“It’s not the heart’s decision that got me in that mess. It’s because I rushed into things with her.”
“We rushed into things too.”
“But it feels right, doesn’t it?” Sam reached me in one stride. He took my hand and pressed it between his. His other hand settled at my neck to cup my face.
It was almost impossible to resist shutting my eyes to his tender caress. “It must have felt right with her too. You married her.”
He raised my hand that he held and splayed my palm above his chest. “Definitely didn’t feel like this, no.”
His heartbeat was fast. Much faster than mine. He closed his eyes as he continued pressing my hand, like he was reaping life off me. And maybe he did. Sam’s heartbeat was now in sync with mine.
