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Sam drank some, then waited until I replaced the glass and looked at him again, ensuring he had my attention before speaking. “I want to get in touch with my family more, like every day if possible. I want to travel some and be adventurous for the first time in my life. Maybe climb a mountain and learn to ski. I could go camping and catch a meteor shower.” Then he caught my forearm and brushed his thumb over my tattoo. “And it’s time for new beginnings for me too. I’m thinking of getting a house, somewhere quiet with a big garden and lots of bedrooms. When Luna and Stella come back from France, I want them to live with me. I want to be a dad to them. An even better father than I’ve been so far. And someday, I’d like to raise one or two boys. Or maybe another little girl. And…” His hand slid down from my forearm to clutch my hand. “I’m seriously reconsidering my stand against marriage.”
But Sam had always said he didn’t want a woman. Much less a second wife. Even more so, I never heard him express his wish for a third and fourth kid. Though, I think I understand where that came from. If there was anything Sam missed the most in his life, it was his family. Now he was craving to have a family again and even bigger. Sam wanted the complete opposite of his current lonely life. And he was looking at me with big hopeful eyes. His fingers were rubbing circles on the ring finger of my left hand. A smile played nervously on his lips as he waited for my answer to his unspoken question.
And just in time to break the silence, a knock sounded on the door. A nurse came in.
“Sorry to interrupt, Mr Webb. Just need to change your IV. Won’t be too long.”
Sam nodded at the nurse. “Thank you.”
He was polite, yet I could see the faint frown of disappointment at the interruption.
I stood from the bed, to make space for the nurse to work. Unsure whether I was regretful or relieved for the interruption, I went to the window, gazing blankly at the darkness of the night sky. It was easier to pretend that I was queasy of seeing the nurse fiddling with his needle rather than to stay there looking into Sam’s pleading eyes.
“Have a date with me.”
A small gasp of surprise escaped from my lips as I twirled around to face him. “Sam…” I peered between him and the nurse, who was visibly uncomfortable to find herself in the middle of our conversation.
But Sam didn’t seem to care. He was only focused on me. “It wasn’t just a fling, Lucille. Not to me, not to you. So let’s haveournew beginning. Let’s do it right this time and let me take you on a real date. Just you and me, laughing and sharing a bottle of wine before I’d drive you home and kiss you under the porch light. I won’t even step a foot into your apartment. I’d just drive away, with a giddy smile like a teenager who’s had his very first kiss. Then I’d lie in bed, wishing the time goes by lightning-fast until it’s time for my next date with you. And until then, I’d dream about you, night and day and every second in between.”
“Done,” announced the nurse a little too quickly. “I’ll come to check on you later, Mr Webb.” And she strode to the door, a little too eager to escape the room.
Sam waited for me to say something. He eagerly anticipated my answer as if his life depended on my reply.
“I lied…” I blurted. Stepped closer to his bed again. “I lied when I said I don’t want to see you. Because I do see you, every day, in every single one of my dreams.”
“Doesn’t that say something?”
I took his hand and set it on my chest, wantinghimto feel my heartbeat now. It was much faster than before. “I’m not sure what it’s saying. And it terrifies me so much–” My own uncontrollable sobs cut my words short.
“Oh, Lucille. Come here.” He opened his free arm wide.
I accepted his invitation at once. I crawled onto the bed beside him, careful not to press on his ribs and I nuzzled my face into his neck. My arms wrapped tight around his waist. I missed his warmth, the feel of his embrace.
“I’m scared too.” Sam whispered. “I thought I forgot what love is. I was sure I did, until you. Until I lost you.” He moved the hair that had fallen over my face, causing me to lock gaze with him. “Now I know I love you so much it hurts more than this sprained shoulder and a broken rib. No medicine could dull my ache for you, my sweet Lucille.”
More tears were triggered by his heartfelt confession.
My hand reached up to touch his face, tracing the bruises and cuts. “You swayed me off my feet with your bold charms, your every text and your every kiss. You gave me life again after so long. I don’t regret a single thing that happened with you. Not one. But what’s on your list isn’t on mine. I’ve already got my new beginning… miles away… without you.”
I wasn’t dreaming of white picket fences, kids were on my ‘maybe’ list and marriage wasn’t on any list at all. Yet, despite my conclusion, saying those words still had hurt, and in the process, I just might have shattered Sam’s own dreams of happiness.
Was Ihishappiness? Was he mine?
All I knew for sure was that I couldn’t risk ruining my chance at this new life that I started solely to give Sam another chance. I couldn’t presume it would be different this time. Not when the trust between us had already been compromised. And definitely not at a time when Sam was hellbent on becoming a full-time dad to his daughters.
Sam broke his gaze from mine. Saw him gulp the rejection. Till he nodded lightly, accepting my decision. If heartbreak had a sound, I was sure that I would be hearing just that at that very moment.
This was it, I knew it. The final full-stop to our twisted story. After today, Sam won’t come looking for me again, won’t call, won’t email me again. He’ll let me go.
But not yet. Sam wasn’t ready to do that. Instead, he snuggled me further into him. I relished the feeling and held onto him tighter. Guess I wasn’t ready to let go either. So I stayed there for long minutes. Till the silence was broken by the fireworks popping in the distance.
The clock had struck midnight and it was officially a new year.
“Promise me something,” Sam spoke groggily. “Say goodbye before you leave this time. Wake me up or don’t let me fall asleep at all but just say it to me.”
I sat up in bed, to see his face. He wore a half-smile. His eyes were blinking heavily from the effects of the new medication in his IV.
I tried to smile but couldn’t.
