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“You can hold him for however long you want, though you may have to fight me and his dad,” Mom countered with a tired smile. “But you also can change his diapers and deal with sleepless nights so you don’t get any ideas.”
I scoffed at the mere idea. “Mom, a woman can say she loves a baby without her womb and ancient procreation instincts taking over all rational thought.”
“Well, just in case,” she muttered. “I’m too young to be a grandmother. Plus, I don’t want to be on JerrySpringerwhen I have a grandson the same age as my actual son.”
I stared at her. “Considering I haven’t just given birth and am not planning to, I think you’re good.”
“She’s just tired, aren’t you, Countess?” Swiss murmured, kissing her head. “You just created a whole world today.”
The moment felt precious, soft, stolen.
I gently placed my brother down in his cradle—where he wouldn’t likely be for long—and quietly left the room.
I leaned against the wall outside the hospital room, closing my eyes. Everything felt very unreal. My brother was here. My father was dead.
I had to call my grandparents. I was overcome with guilt that I hadn’t done that already. They had lost their son. Even though they’d cut him off the second I sent a letter to my grandmother, telling them everything. My grandmother had come to visit my mother in Garnett not long after that. Then she’d stopped by Brown to see me, informing me that they would never speak to my father again. They’d chosen me and my mom over him. Without any hesitation.
A choice that couldn’t have been easy. They were good people. They loved their son. They could not understand how he’d turned into what he was.
They’d accepted the whole new life that my mother had created. They came for Christmas. Got along with Swiss.
But they lost their son.
So I had to call them. Once I figured out what to say. How to speak to them. How to say I was sorry he was dead when I didn’t know if I was.
Maybe I was. Maybe I had been harboring yet another fantasy of him having some kind of wakeup call after losing everything. Him redeeming himself, changing, turning into a good man.
But even I knew that there was no redemption after what he’d done for years. There was no story where he changed completely and became the father I deserved, the son my grandparents deserved. This ending, though painful, was the best we could’ve hoped for.
The door closed gently, then Swiss leaned against the wall beside me.
“He’s lucky,” I whispered. “My brother. To have you as a dad.”
“I’m lucky,” he countered. “To have him. Your mom.” His head turned toward me. “You,” he added.
“I know you’re protectin’ your mom,” he continued. “Know that you’re hurting, even if you don’t want to be. Even if it pisses you the fuck off. You lost something. Even if it wasn’t him, it was the idea of what he could’ve been. The memories of what he was before all this shit came out.”
“You’re allowed to hurt, darlin’.” Like his words, his stare was soft and unyielding. “And I know that no matter what I tell you, you’re not gonna stop protectin’ your mother. But I don’t know if you’ve noticed, I’m kind of a badass,” he grinned. “You don’t have to protect me from shit. You can hurt, Violet. It’s okay.”
Maybe it was his steady and understanding voice, maybe it was the creeping exhaustion of the past few months, maybe it was just because I couldn’t pretend anymore, but the second Swiss put his arms around me, I buried my face in his chest and sobbed.
For a long time.
I did not attend my father’s funeral.
My grandparents did not mention it when they arrived in Garnett a few days after Declan’s birth. They looked tired. My grandmother didn’t look as flawless as she usually did; her eyes were red, the creases in her face deeper somehow.
But she still fussed endlessly over Declan, still arranged all the gifts she bought him around the adorable nursery.
My grandfather was quiet. He, like everyone else, doted on the new member of the family, but his smiles were sad, his eyes looking at his grandson but also seeing the son he had lost. I know both of them felt uncertain about their connection to him, worried that they had no claim. I also knew Swiss had some kind of talk with them that changed the atmosphere. Made them surer of their roles.
He was a good person. The best.
My mother and brother were safe with him. I was safe with him.
As long as I kept my secrets, my truth, far from him. It was at some point during the time spent at home after Declan’s birth that I realized how bad things would get if he ever found out about me and Elden.
It would break apart the idyllic family they’d worked so hard to create. So even though it hurt me, even though it killed me, I did not seek Elden out again while I was back in Garnett.
