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“You have beautiful eyes. Deep brown that I always get lost in. And they’re so expressive with determination when you’re absorbed in cooking, joy when you walk toward me, or softness right after you come.
“It’s all beautiful. How you pour love into everything you cook. How you’re full of life and passion, and you open it all up to me in the moments when I’ve earned it.”
“Lucas …”
“I want you to know, believe it. You’ve mentioned your weight and the thing with wanting the lights off. I know some women look at their bodies and worry because it doesn’t look like those on the magazine covers. Jo, I see yours, and I like it. No more worries about having the lights on or me picking you up, okay?”
“I wish it were that easy.” I sighed the anxiety out of me, and he wrapped me in his arms, my head cushioned against his chest.
“I … One reason I became a chef was to get control of food. High school was a tough time for a curvy girl.”
It was time to trust him with this part of me. I stepped back to sit on the bed and gather strength, my arms wrapped around my middle. Lucas sat next to me and pulled me onto his lap, cradling me against his chest as he pulled the comforter up to wrap around us. I was still naked, and his body warmed me.
“I loved to cook, and I loved to eat. So naturally, I carried some extra weight, but I never considered myself fat.”
I wiped a rogue tear. “The popular girls were cheerleaders. It looked like such fun to be part of the squad, to be famous in my little suburb town. My freshman year, I tried out for the team. Tryouts were in front of the entire school and were essentially a popularity contest. I didn’t make it.”
“The ones who made the squad were all thin. The football players liked to joke about carrying the cheerleaders or hoisting them up on their shoulders in the halls during school. A few teased that I didn’t make the squad because no football player could pick me up.”
Lucas reached up and caressed my cheek.
“Other boys made comments, leered at my boobs, or slapped my butt on the way to class.Too fat to be a cheerleader but just the right amount of cushion for pushin’. I tried to diet, but my body was changing, and I couldn’t lose the weight.” Lucas held me tighter.
“I developed an eating disorder. My parents found out, and I was in some pretty intensive therapy during my junior and senior years in high school, but I completed treatment and was healthy when I left for college. Culinary school was part of me taking control of food rather than letting it control me.”
“Jo, I’m so sorry.”
“I’m better now, and though I’m not skinny, I’m at a healthy weight. That troubled high school girl? She’s still in there. It’s not easy for her to see what you see.”
Lucas caressed his hands over my back. I was naked in so many ways.
“Thank you for telling me,” he said.
“I’m okay, usually. It was a long time ago.” I lifted a shoulder and let it drop. “Reef wanting Felicia to be the face of the restaurant, him not wanting me in the promotions or my picture on the back cover, things I couldn’t have because of the way I looked. It hurt. But I didn’t relapse. I’m better because of it.”
“You’re remarkable, Jo. I don’t know much about eating disorders, but recovery from anything takes work. I wish I could hunt down every one of those shitheads and make them pay for what they said. I want to slay all your dragons, but I don’t think youneedme to, and I’d rather spend my time touching you if that’s okay.”
These recent days, I felt uneven, off-kilter without his laughter and warmth. With him again, I felt whole. I was glad I had this experience of loving someone because I loved Lucas. There was no doubt in my mind. Even though it had to end, I wouldn’t regret it. I was grateful for every moment since he first asked me about my almond cake. I would enjoy the time we still had and try not to fall apart when he left.
“Yeah, that’s okay.”
37
LUCAS
My phone ringingwoke me up. Only a couple of days until the end of the month-long festival, and I was exhausted. How had my brother and father done all this in past years? And I missed Jo. I had a need-you-right-now desire to be near her, which left me no choice but to see her every chance she let me.
She was as busy as I was, and I hadn’t had her skin next to me since the night of the art show too many days ago. I wanted to see her A-S-AF-P.
I rolled to my side and answered. “This is Lucas.”
“Good morning, Mr. Bakker. Detective Rivers. We need you to come in for questioning today. Is that possible?”
I sat up, rubbing my eyes. “Um. Sure. Can you tell me why?”
“Another detective on the case is in town. When can you be here?”
I glanced at the clock. It was a little after seven. “Depending on traffic, I can get there by ten or so.”
