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I distract myself with the usual things, TV and my phone, but grow tired of those easily. Work doesn’t help; all it does is remind me of him.
What were youthinking,Nev? Did you really expect sex to come with no feelings?
I don’t have feelings for him. It’s lust, pure carnal need. Nothing else. And yeah, so what if I grew to likehim.That doesn’t mean I feel any type of way for him.
My head wars my heart on the daily.It'senough to drive me up a wall.
What I actually think sucks the most is the sexual frustration building inside me. I’m ready to hump my damn pillow. Amazing sex on the regular to no sex at all is a fucking bummer. A part of me wants to ask for just one more night together. One more to fuck each other out of our systems type of thing. But he obviously won’t go for it since he’s the one who called it offin the first place.
And what if he goes against his word and acts like a fool? Ruins all the plans and hard work we’ve put in to his sponsorship, then what will I do? My gut tells me he won’t because he’s come too far, and if he does, it’ll hurt him more than me.
But my insides still twist in a sickening way whenIthink about it. The look of disappointment and judgment on my father and brother’s faces.
This is all one big fucking hot mess. And I’m not sure what to do about it. Hell, I don’t even know what to feel at this point.
With an enormous sigh, I pull myself out of bed and turn on the shower. I can’t wallow under the covers forever. I promised my mom I wouldn’t skip this one. Her soft voice wrapped its way around my heart, and I felt guilty for all the times I missed. It’s been a lot, I’m ashamed to admit.
Saturdays I’ve given to Luca that I should’ve been visiting my family, the people who have always been there for me.
Because obviously the one I want to be there for me isn’t.
Do you hearyourself,Nev? The one you want to be there?
Fuck, my thoughts suck. Why won’t they stop already?
And they don’tstopeven as I’m walking into my parents’ house a couple of hours later.
“Well,hello, stranger. Niceto finally seeyou here,” AJ announces when I walk into the kitchen. I turn my head to stick my tongue out athimbutinstead,I freeze, finding way more people than I expected.
“Um, hi, everyone?” I say as I walk in. Mel and Mitch stand next to the fridge, my parents sit at the big kitchen island, and my brother stands beside them, a woman I don’t recognize by his side. I’mconfusedto say the least.
My eyes find Mel’s amid all of this weirdness, and she gives meherI have no fucking cluelook.
Ugh. What in the hell?
“Sit down, sweetie,” Dad waves me over, and after dropping my keys and wallet on the counter, I sit next to him. I immediately reach for a wineglass and the bottle. Dad’s two steps ahead and already sliding them over to me. “AJ invited Mel and Mitch to join us, and this is Leanne, AJ’s girlfriend.”
“Hi, Leanne. Nice to meet you. So is that the special occasion? Meeting AJ’s girlfriend?”
“Yup, glad you could finally make it.” AJ’s eyes narrow as he fixates his stare on me. “Sorry you don’t have a plus-one. Luca busy?”
I practically choke on my first sip of wine. “Luca?” I feign disgust. “Why would I ever bring him?”
AJ stares at me so hard I’m afraid he might burn a hole through me.What in the fuck? He’s being such an ass.
“I heard Luca’s sponsorship is doing well,” Mel interjects, and I breathe a sigh of relief, hoping no one noticed. “He’s having a great season.Good work, Nev.” She walks over to me and places an arm around my shoulder. Thank god she’s here.
“He is doing well,” Dad pipes in. “Everyone is.”
Mel sits beside me with Mitch on her side while AJ and Leanne remain standing. It’s kind of odd. Arethey not staying? Thiswhole dinneris odd. I’ve barely wrapped my head around it.
Mitch has never come before, Mel hardly does, and AJ bringing a girlfriend over? He’s never brought one before. But I guessthere'sa first time for everything. So I smile and make conversation, ignoring the daggers from my brother. I guess his girl and him are staying because they finally sit across from Mom after what seems like an hour.
Mom serves tray after tray of food, various appetizers, a salad, and a beef roast with roasted potatoes and other veggies. It’s delicious. I forgot how much I enjoy her cooking and wish I didn’t miss all those dinners after all.
After dinner, we move out to the back patio and have drinks along with fruit yogurt cups.Finally,I get Mel alone for a second. Mitch, AJ, and Dad are talking about racing, and Mom is giving Leanne a tour of her garden. They’ll be busy for a while.
“Alright, spill it.” I pull Mel inside so I don’t have to whisper.
