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25
~E~
I've decidedI need to know. I need to know why these damned rules are so fucking important.
I spent the rest of my Saturday night dwelling on what she said. I'm hurt and angry.
This morning, I'll confront her and demand answers.
I wait until lunch time before I make my way to my childhood home.
When I pull in, only my mother's car is here and I wonder where my father is.
Parking my car behind hers, I get out and walk to the house as I gather my courage.
The door opens before I reach it.
"Come to apologize?" My mother sneers, her arms folded across her chest.
"No." I brush by her without an invitation to come in. She'll follow me.
And, follow me she does. I stand in front of the couch in the living room, the same one from when I was a child. I cross my arms and wait for her to face me.
"I want to know why these rules are so damned important."
My mom's face darkens, a pained looking crossing her expression. "Emma," she says, her voice stern, "I've told you that doesn't matter."
I've asked her before. Countless times. She always says it doesn't matter.
Every time, I let it go. Not this time. I need to know why she is so persistent about them. It's only fair... if she wants me to follow these rules. She's quite passionate about it so there has to be a reason why.
"It does matter, Mom. It does. I want to know why it's so important for me to follow these rules." I shift on my feet. It's like she's keeping a major secret from me. What is it?
My mom doesn't say anything. She stares at the floor.
Finally, she speaks, her eyes still downcast."Emma, please. Just drop it. It doesn't matter why. If you want true love, you will follow my rules."
I frown, narrowing my eyes at her. "Really, Mom? So, because it worked for you and dad, it should work for everyone? Tell me, why didn't it work for Melissa the first time? It should've weeded out her first husband, who was a lying, cheating asshole, but it didn't!" I pant as my anger spreads like hot fire through my veins. Fuck, she can be so stubborn!
"Emma, you will lower your voice now, do you understand me? Nothing in life is foolproof, Emma, nothing. But I can guarantee you, that if you don't follow the rules, you won't find a good, respectable man."
"I don't see how that's true. No one can fit into a perfect little box. Especially not when it comes to love. Love makes people do crazy things, make rash decisions, be wild—but that's what love is all about. The thrill of that craziness. Why have it be boring? Why have it be judgmental and condescending?"
"Because boring isn't painful." My mother snaps, her eyes now blazing at me.
"Painful? What are you talking about?"
Her stance changes, her arms dropping to her side. "I fell in love once..." She whispers, "He was a gorgeous, exotic man and our love was crazy, wild, and passionate. All those things you speak of..." Tears slip down her cheeks.
She continues in a hoarse whisper, "He left me, Emma. He left me in the middle of the night without telling me a thing. I was stranded in the middle of nowhere. I felt so stupid, so hopeless. I had moved across the country to be with him, dropping everything, and when he left me, he took the car we shared."
A stab of pain hits my chest but I push it away. She doesn't deserve my comfort.
"There were no cell phones back then, so I packed all of my things and took bus after bus to get back home. When I showed up, my parents were not happy. I'd married this man and he had disgraced our family. While, I tried to get back on my feet, my parents made me feel so guilty about what had happened. I swore I would never fall so deeply in love again, or make such stupid mistakes. I should've listened to those rules my mother always drilled me about."
I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding as I process my mother's painful story.
I still feel I don't need to follow what she says; everyone is different. "Listen, Mom, it makes a lot more sense now and I'm sorry for all of that... but I still feel I should be able to date who I want..." I'm cut off before I can even finish, her hand stopping me from speaking.
