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"Oh, now, he speaks. Okay, there, doc?"
I chuckle and rub my hand against my jaw. The stubble burns my fingers. "Call me Knox. First name basis now, right? I can't help I'm transfixed by your beauty. Go out with me." I pause as it dawns on me I'm rambling.
Shit, man! What are you doing? See, you open your mouth and spew stupid shit. Why in the fuck did you just ask her out?
"I don't know, Knox. It's just... we work together... you know..." Emma trails off. She looks down at her lap as her fingers intertwine over and over again.
I lean down towards the window. My face inches from her, her scent invades my senses. "I don't know why Emma, but there's this pull between us. I know you must feel it." Emma inhales sharply and her body tenses. "I'm doing my damned best to ignore it, but I don't know how much longer I can."
She turns her head towards mine. Her eyes caress my face as she looks me over. She stops and studies my lips, her own lips parting slightly. My eyes drop down to her chest. It rises and falls with her dip of cleavage soft, and supple. It takes all my restraint not to bury my face in her neck.
"We have to ignore it." Emma whispers and I step back. The words sting. I don't know why they do but they do. I shouldn't care. I should be happy she said no. Women are trouble. More trouble than they're worth. Why am I even asking her? Giving her the chance to reject me, turn me down? Making me look like the desperate fool?
I shrug. "Yeah, you're right. Forget I said anything."
I give her a final wave and turn. I jog to my truck. My brain is scrambled. I don't even know what the hell I'm doing when I turn around and watch her drive away. A strong desire comes over me to run after her. I know she feels it. What am I doing anyway? I can't have her. I won't date anyone again. My ex changed me. And, that's the sad truth.
* * *
The aromaof my mother's coffee seeps into my nose and I close my eyes. All I want is to de-stress. The past couple of weeks have been exhausting as I brought all my patients over to the new practice and also began seeing new ones. The long hours of appointments, paperwork, it's catching up to me. Don't forget avoiding Emma. Or is it more like failing to avoid her?
I can't get her out of my head. My mind races with thoughts of her. On my way to work: wondering what she'll be wearing, or if I'll see her. In between patients: I dart looks around, hopeful, optimistic. A glimpse of her is all I need. At night: I keep myself busy with my patient charts or TV, but my mind circles back to her. On repeat.
It's like a sickness. It's taken me over. I try hard to ignore it, push it away, but it creeps back in. Without realizing it, I'm thinking of her, watching for her to pass me in the hallway, or to be in the break room at the same time.
I need to stop. My brain screams at me, brings those memories back full force, the ones about how love can fuck you sideways. So why can't I stop?
Why is Emma such sweet temptation?
"Knox? Knox?! Earth to Knox!!" My mother snaps her fingers in my face. I glance up and she's staring at me, studying my face. Hmm, I wonder where I get my overly analytical brain from.
"Sorry, ma. I've got a lot on my mind." I take a sip of my coffee. The warm liquid soothes me. My mom makes a good pot of joe.
Her hand covers mine and she squeezes gently. "I know, but God only gives us what we can handle."
I sip more of my coffee, the hints of vanilla and caramel are delicious. She's been telling me that since I was a kid. Who knows if I believe it anymore. Why do some people get dealt horrible hands? While others have much easier lives?
Growing up, I believed it to be fate. In God's hands. But now, I don't know. Things are too unfair in life. And, love isn't everything it's cracked up to be.
"Dating anyone?" My mom smiles at me over her coffee cup. She keeps telling me I'm ready.
I shake my head and her face doesn't waver, her smile still warm. "No. I haven't had much time." Emma's face pops into my mind. I do have time. Enough time to spend all of my waking thoughts on her. We haven't spoken since the night I walked her to her car.
"What's with the dazed look on your face? That look right there is a woman's work." She points to my face with her spoon, before she dips it back in her coffee. My mother loves to dunk cookies while she drinks her coffee, then she scoops all of the crumbs out with a spoon.
I finish off my coffee and I stand to get more. I don't feel like commenting on her observation, so I avoid it. I want more coffee, anyway. The coffee pot is half full, the aroma strong. I add a couple spoonfuls of sugar, pour the coffee in, and grab the creamer. I pour some in as I stir, the liquid now light brown. I take a sip and groan. Nothing beats coffee. The cookies on the plate look scrumptious and I grab a couple on my way back to the island. My mother's eyes follow me the entire time. She studies me while I dip my cookie in my coffee.
"What's her name?" She asks and I freeze, my cookie halfway to my mouth. Crumbs fall into my coffee and float to the top.
"Whose name, ma? I told you there isn't a girl."
"You're not telling me the whole truth, Knox. I've been able to read you like a book since the day you popped out of me. Don't tell me I can't read your body language. Your dazing off, your body movements slower, less hurried. Only one thing makes you distracted and that's a damn woman. So spill it."
I laugh. You knew you weren't going to be able to hide it from her. "Fine." I hold my hands up in surrender. "But, we aren't dating. I'm telling you the truth. She's a coworker, is all."
"A coworker?" My mother's reaction doesn't surprise me. She knows I don't like to mix business with pleasure ever since... well, never mind. She's not important anymore and I push her image away.
"Yeah." That's all I can manage as I sip more of my coffee. What else is there to say?
