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His eyes creased with pain, his lips quirking to the side, but he didn’t say a word. He knew I was right. His anger and protectiveness would’ve gotten the best of him.
“But the texts started two weeks before my eighteenth birthday and they didn’t stop.” I sighed, letting Merrick’s hands slip from mine as I leaned back against the couch cushions. This was something they both needed to hear. “I convinced myself it was just going to be one date. That I’d go out with him once and that would be it.”
“What happened, Giana?” Kellan asked. I could tell he was trying to hold back his own anger, directed at Tommaso, not me, as he pieced everything together.
“He was waiting for me, at my house the morning after my birthday—had apparently been waiting for me all night it seemed …” I trailed off, memories of the three of us on my birthday night playing like a film on repeat in my mind like they’d done a million times before. “And he snapped, told me that no one touched what was his and revealed his plan all along was for me to move in with him in New York.”
They both swore, and I drew in a deep breath, grateful for the brief moment of reprieve before I continued.
“He threatened to have you both killed of course. He’d even gone as far as to wait while I packed my things.”
I winced at the memory, unable to tell them everything that happened with him yet. If I did, I knew they wouldn’t hesitate to make him pay. And that was a debt I needed to repay, not them.
“So at graduation, I knew I had to make you hate me. I had to make it seem like I was going with him because I wanted to,” I admitted, and stared at my lap again, unable to meet their eyes and see the echoes of anger in them. “So I made it believable, to make you hate me, and convince him he had nothing to worry about and wouldn’t just kill you for the hell of it.”
It had been my choice to make them believe the lie. To commit to the role so fully that they would hate me. And that’s exactly what they did.
“Because that’s who he is. He was never going to take no for an answer. I’ve come to terms with that. There was no choice, no way to get out of it except running …” I trailed off, meeting their gaze briefly before I continued, dredging up everything from the past six years.
I poured my heart out for them, not sparing the details, not for them. Not when I kept everything buried deep inside for so long. Not now when I didn’t need to be scared. Because in their grief, they’d built something strong enough to stand up to the ruthless, nearly unstoppable crime family. And I knew one day we’d all laugh as we watched their world burn before our eyes … or die trying. Because we had a shot now, we had something worth fighting for now that we were back together. And after everything they’d done to us, and this town, we had to take it.
Chapter eighteen
Giana
Now
Ipacedacrossthefloor in the large bedroom, the fluffy white carpet tickling my feet with each step. My hands clenched at my sides and my teeth ground together as I held in the frustration mounting inside me. It had been two days since the engagement party, two days since they helped me escape from Tommaso, and two days that I’d been held up in this room by myself.
I needed them to give me space though, to be by myself for some time to process everything that happened. Honestly, I had to process more than the last six years. I’d been in survival mode for most of my life, never enjoying life, always on guard whether it was with my parents or Tommaso. The only moments of reprieve were with Kellan and Merrick. And I could tell that they too needed some time on their own.
Everything they’d known had been completely turned on its axis. Sure, they had their suspicions once time healed some of the wounds from me leaving, but they never actually knew what happened until I told them. It had felt like my lungs could expand for the first time, in who knew how long, once I finished my story up to the moment when Spade had caught me outside the washroom. I didn’t spare any details from them, despite the guilt that creased their eyes as they sat absorbing everything. If there was supposed to be any hope for the future, we had to start on a clean slate.
So for the past two days I laid in bed, allowing my mind to register everything that happened—to accept that I did the best I could under the circumstances. I tried to protect Kellan and Merrick in the only way I could and I survived, and that was what was important. Despite how many times I wanted to give up, the weight of the world seemingly resting on my shoulders, I persevered, I kept breathing.
I mourned for the girl I used to be, for all the life and experiences I missed out on—on the life that could have been. I mourned for the woman I almost became—I knew the two hundred dollars, although generous, wouldn’t have kept me off the streets. I hadn’t admitted it to myself but deep down I knew what I was willing to do to get away from Tommaso, had even begun to mentally prepare myself for what I might become, what might be done to me. That was the hardest weight to let go of, to remind myself I didn’t have to endure that life anymore.
Through my reflection I realized that although Tommaso claimed his reasoning for breaking me was so I knew my place, his jealousy and insecurities had peaked the closer we’d gotten to coming back to East Haven. He’d wanted to show me just how far he’d go for an innocent flirtation to make sure I knew he’d kill Merrick and Kellan if I ever approached them.
I knew he wouldn’t let this go so easily, not only because of his obsession, but everything he’d worked for, each layer of manipulation he’d meticulously woven over the past eight years would be for nothing. His ego would never allow him to give up, not now, not when he’d look weak for losing me to men he’d consider “lesser,” and not when he’d lose that self-satisfaction he’d built up by “helping lift me from poverty” as he liked phrasing it to his business contacts.
I began to process the trauma, both growing up as well as my time forced by Tommaso’s side. I poured my heart and soul into a notebook I’d found, writing until the pen ran dry, until the words became mere scratches on the page. Tension lifted from my chest, leaving me feeling freer than I’d ever felt before. It was cathartic to get all of those inner thoughts written down, as though writing the words onto the page took the burden of the past off my shoulders with each stroke, each mark like a scar I was transferring from my soul and into the book. And as that pen died, it felt as though I was done—I was done with that chapter of my life. It was real, it had happened, but I no longer had to hold on to that pain and trauma. I felt validated having my thoughts and feelings laid on the page before me, like for one of the first times they really mattered.
But I couldn’t stand to look at these four walls anymore, not after everything that had happened. The same duvet and soft white drapes that had seemed warm and comforting a few hours ago now sparked rage in me, and I wanted to claw at them and rip them to shreds. This space had been a safe haven for me to release and process the grief and come to terms with it—I’d never be able to turn back the clock or wipe the memories away, but I could accept them for what they were, forgive myself, and figure out how to move forward. I always knew I’d want to get revenge on the Barones and I would, but I couldn’t allow that to cloud my mind. We had to come up with a well-laid plan, a game of sorts and have them play straight into our hand.
I knew I could leave; I hadn’t been told to stay put, but they had understood that I needed some time to myself and had brought me food for every meal. I could go downstairs if I wanted to, right? I could go explore the house. Deep down I knew that was true, Merrick and Kellan had never been the type to lock me away, to keep me like a prized trophy on display. But I couldn’t help replay the warning from the first night here, the insistence to go straight upstairs rather than explore the rest of the house. I’d been too exhausted both mentally and physically to fight back then, to assert I wouldn’t be shut away or kept out of the loop—but I wasn’t now. If anyone knew who I was, it was them, and they’d have another thing coming if they thought I’d be content to remain the damsel in distress.
Although I knew who they used to be, I couldn’t shake that distrust that had built up like a wall around me, keeping me on my toes and protecting me from all the dangers of the past.Did they want to keep me away from their guys for some reason? Did they not trust them, or did they not trust me?I pushed those thoughts aside, knowing they’d do no good. There was no point in overthinking, for building everything up in my mind that may not even be true. Besides, if they didn’t trust their guys, they wouldn’t have brought them to the party the other night, right?
I had to go see them eventually, because I was tired of barely living, of going through the motions and never really enjoying myself. I mourned the time I had lost with Merrick and Kellan, but what was I doing now? I was wasting even more time and if I’d learned one thing in my life, it was you never know what the next hurdle will be. Despite my best intentions, I’d lost six years and I refused to lose another moment. I may have been unsure about what I wanted before, scared to take that leap, so worried about what society may think—but now, I couldn’t care less. I knew what I wanted, and that was Merrick and Kellan … and Spade.
I knew as soon as my eyes locked onto those mischievous violet orbs that a spark connected us, like a twin flame. I knew I wanted him too and after being at Tommaso’s will, I wouldn’t let him claim another part of my mind, body, or soul for a moment longer. I was going to claim what I desired, what I craved …
But maybe I was getting ahead of myself. They could all have girlfriends—or wives—and had only helped me because that was the type of men they were. My lips pursed at the thought and I worked to push down the anger that boiled in my veins at the notion of them with another woman. I had no real claim on them, not after all this time, not after the lies I’d spun and the act I’d played to make them believe.
The only way to find out the truth was to pull on my big girl pants and go face them. So I took a deep breath, steeling myself for my new reality, and reminded myself I didn’t have to be on guard all the time here. I didn’t have to watch each reaction, looking for any sign of hostility and tiptoeing around so I didn’t get hurt or lose my freedom. With that, I padded to the large wooden dresser and pulled out a pair of sweatpants. There weren’t too many clothes here, and at least I could be grateful that there weren’t any women’s clothes, even if there was a lot of pink in the bedroom … The pants seemed to match the hoodie I was already wearing that smelled just like my memories of Kellan. I pulled on the pants and tied the drawstrings taut on the too-large garments, hoping they wouldn’t fall.
The nightstand caught my attention and I grimaced at the thought of leaving it unguarded. It was just a simple light-stained wooden table, with a white and silver lamp atop it and a glass of water by the bed—but it was what was inside the drawer that twisted at my stomach. Leaving the two items tucked inside was a huge step, a massive vulnerability I wasn’t sure I was able to take. Both the notebook and the wad of bills from Francine were hidden within and both shone like beacons to me, keys that I wasn’t sure I could stand to lose right now. My heart had splintered under the pressure of living with Tommaso, and although I’d begun to piece it back together, there were some cracks aching to be healed completely.
