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The small town of Fallpond had grown since the last time I’d driven out here with Merrick and Kellan. There’d just been a few strip plazas here before with suburban streets surrounding them, but it seemed even in the age of online shopping the town was large enough to have built a two-story mall, filled with a variety of department stores if the signs were any indication.
“I think they’re closed,” I offered hesitantly as he continued around to one of the service entrances, undeterred by the lack of lights illuminating the main entrance we just passed.
“I know,” he answered, whistling along to the song playing through the sports car’s speakers as he parked next to one of the loading docks. Spade had surprised me when he pulled a blue restored mustang out of one of the steel garage doors, beckoning me to hop in. It was a nice change from the blacked-out cars and ostentatious luxury vehicles I’d grown used to recently, reminding me of the old days in Merrick’s Chevy when we used to cruise around to small towns like this one just to get out of East Haven for a few hours.
“I guess we’ll have to come back tomorrow,” I said, leaning back in the seat as I watched him curiously. But instead of turning the car around, he turned the key in the ignition and the rumble of the engine eased away.
“Why would we do that?” He chuckled as he swung the door open and hopped out, the frame thudding as he pushed it closed.
Before I could even register what was happening, the silent night breeze curled around me as he opened my door and took off my seatbelt.
“Spade,” I say uneasily, not liking where tonight seemed to be heading. He reached for my hand, helping me from the car.
“You really think something as ridiculous as a closing time is going to keep me out?” he asked, huffing out a breath of amusement. “Just trust me.”
He wrapped an arm around my shoulders and tucked me into his side, leading me to the service entrance. And despite my uncertainty at whatever he had planned, I couldn’t help but lean into him. So I pushed my worries away, choosing to trust Spade in this moment and to allow the excitement humming just below the surface to wash over me. I was tired of playing by someone else’s rules and doing what society expected of me. I always had to act a certain way, choosing my words carefully to not set Tommaso off or not draw too much attention to myself. But this seemed like it might be my chance to see what I really wanted, to be free and act with abandon—consequences be damned.
Before I could even ask him how we were supposed to get in, Spade reached for the steel knob on the service door which surprisingly yielded to him.
“I have connections,” he boasted, giving me a wry smirk as he pulled open the door. I stilled, wincing in preparation for the screeching sirens I thought would pierce my ears, but they never came. “So little faith.”
“How exactly are we able to just stroll into a mall after hours?” I asked skeptically, unable to shake the feeling we were about to get caught at any moment. Spade’s arm slipped from my shoulder, but I swallowed the protest that formed on my tongue and followed after him into the dark hallway. The warm hum of the emergency lights washed over his face as he let the door close behind us, a mischievous grin splitting his face.
“That’s for me to know and for you to stop worrying about.” His fingers twined with mine, tugging me along beside him as he casually strolled down the hall to the double doors. Small windows showed the faint glow of lights illuminating the mall just beyond them.
“That’s easy for you to say,” I grumbled but didn’t fight his hold on me as he pushed the door open. The sound echoed in the wide-open corridors, the normally bustling space now empty, void of life save for the two of us. “What about the security cameras?”
“They’ve all been put off-line, now stop fighting against this.” Spade chuckled, catching me off guard at the seemingly abrupt change in subject.
I froze, waiting for some sort of explanation but he tugged me forward, spinning me on the freshly polished tiled floor. Excitement bubbled up inside me as he pulled me against his chest, and I couldn’t help the goofy grin that spread across my lips.
“You don’t have to worry; nothing will happen to us. Besides, I can tell it excites you.” He smirked, his violet eyes seemingly lightening with anticipation as he beamed down at me. I swallowed thickly at the full weight of his attention, capturing me like a fly in his web. I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to escape the hunger and intensity in his gaze. “But there’ll be plenty of time for some fun.”
He pulled away reluctantly, but kept his fingers entwined with mine as he glanced at the flickering mall map beside us. Sucking in a deep breath, I took a moment to compose myself before following the trail of his finger tracing along the birds-eye view of the halls. He was right, my protests were mostly driven from that part of me that still clung to what others would think. I couldn’t deny the thrill that thrummed through my veins at the idea of getting caught, of doing something I knew we shouldn’t. But honestly, who cared. Spade and the guys must have had some sort of assurance we wouldn’t run into any problems, otherwise I knew Kellan would’ve stopped him before he led me from his studio.
I shook my lingering worries aside and let myself fully be in the moment. This was exactly what I needed to shock me out of the sadness and uncertainty that still clung to me. I needed some excitement and adventure, and given that they technically ran a gang, this would probably be the tamest outing we could have. This was the perfect chance to live in the moment and not let life pass me by any longer.
I glanced up at Spade, watching him figure out where we were going in the maze of stores, and my chest warmed as gratitude flooded me. He’d suggested this not only as a way to get me new clothes—which I was thankful for—but he also must’ve realized I’d need some time out and away from the guys. There was so much we still needed to discuss, and we had only begun to scratch the surface the other night. But seeing them kept reminding me of everything that happened, how much I hurt them, how I’d done everything for them. And I could see that guilt weighing on them as well—well Kellan at least. I still hadn’t seen Merrick at all today. My stomach twisted at that thought, but I quickly focused back on the map, not wanting my worries to sour this experience.
“So I picked out a few stores already, but where would you want to go?” Spade turned to me, and my lips parted as I turned his question over in my mind.Where would I want to go?It had been so long since anyone asked me what I really wanted. I was expected to wear certain clothes and brands with Tommaso that showcased their wealth. Most of the time he’d called up the designers and they brought over options for me to try on while he chose from them for me. And before that I didn’t really have the money to buy what I wanted for myself, everything I earned went into saving for New York.
“I don’t know,” I murmured, my lips pursing at the vulnerability in that admission, the realization that I hadn’t had any control over my life, let alone my clothes.
“Well good news is, the mall is all yours.” He smiled, his eyes lighting with understanding. But there was also something else there, a subtle tightness that belied an ember of anger, and a steely glint that hinted what he would do to those who took that small bit of freedom away from me for so long. His thumb trailed along my bottom lip, easing it to relax, and his own tension flitted away as I exhaled a deep sigh. “We can go to every store until we find something you love.”
It was more than just clothes; we both knew that. It was like a reclaiming of my identity, of the small pieces I’d tucked away for so long that made me—me. With that, he led me down the hallway, stopping to look into each store window that caught my attention. There were even more shops than I could’ve imagined, but Spade didn’t complain as we explored each of them, peering through the windows until we found one I liked. They had a number of high-end stores there, to my surprise, but I didn’t stop at any of them, just the sight of them turned my stomach, reminding me of the sense of obligation I’d escaped.
Escaped.
The word clung through me at that moment and my steps faltered. Reality smacked me in the face like a semi-truck barreling toward me at full speed. Spade skidded to a stop a few steps ahead as his hand slipped from mine. A question was poised on his lips, but it fled as he assessed me.
“I know how you feel.” His eyes bored into mine then, seeming to narrow in on the fading bruise that still marred my cheek. “My parents used to abuse me when I was younger. It wasn’t until I was sixteen that I finally built up the courage to leave.”
“Spade.” I stepped toward him, my hand outstretched to clasp his again.
“No,” he blurted, shaking his head and taking a step back. “I didn’t tell you because I wanted pity, just like I know you don’t want my pity now.”
My lips quirked, swallowing my protest. It was comfort I’d sought to give him, but I knew what he meant. He didn’t want to wallow in the past just as much as I didn’t. My hand fell to my side, and I looked back at him. Waiting for him to continue or not, wanting to absorb any piece of himself, of his past, he was willing to offer up.
